


In Power We Entrust The Love Advocated

by Avenger_Hawk



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Healing, M/M, Memory Loss, Post-War, bittersweet fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-05-09 17:57:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 46,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5549951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avenger_Hawk/pseuds/Avenger_Hawk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Konoha fixes its mistakes, Sasuke tries to adjust but he can't move on from the past, especially when the past returns, with no memory, like a clean slate. Living <i>their</i> new life is simpler than Sasuke would imagine; making sure <i>the slate</i> is not painted with painful words and memories is harder.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

> " _Walked away, heard them say:_
> 
> _Poisoned hearts will never change"_
> 
> _(AFI, The Leaving Song)_

 

The gates open, letting the shinobi in after a successfully completed mission.

Being on duty the following day Sasuke declines his team mates' proposal to have dinner together, the reddish sunset light forcing him to squint as he walks towards the Hokage's office.

* * *

Konoha wasn't damaged by the war. Its traces are not on its buildings; they are on its people, who lost comrades and loved ones.

Naruto was not appointed Hokage as he expected. Tsunade was not allowed to resign.

The Five Kage Council, a permanent institution representing the Shinobi Alliance, needed her experience and symbolic value as a Senju clan heir.

Building a new world means collaboration, transparency, mediation, which translates into perusing documents, approving changes and attending endless meetings.

Tsunade carries out her job with surprising patience although it's not a secret that she plans to leave everything in Kakashi's hands as soon as possible.

Naruto is not yet suited for a role that requires diplomatic skills and attention to details.

He voiced his protest on more than one occasion, calling the current Hokage 'ungrateful granny', and defining the next in line a lazy pervert, but in truth he is happy.

His childhood dream can wait a few more years.

He is a jounin now, the girl of his dreams finally returns his feelings, and his best friend is back.

* * *

Sasuke's goal, becoming Hokage and change the system, hasn't even entered the village.

After all, despite being pardoned because of Naruto, Tsunade and even Gaara's intercession, he was still considered an international criminal, disciple of the man who destroyed Konoha, affiliated to the terrorist organization that destroyed it again.

His former classmates laughed when he announced he would become Hokage, not realizing what it meant for him.

Unlike them, he didn't care about power or acknowledgment.

He simply wanted to change things so that no one would live what his brother had gone through.

He fought side by side with those people. He needed to achieve his goal and honor Itachi.

He risked his life. Everybody did, against the only man who had defeated Edo Tensei.

_Sasuke had imagined his brother doing the same, defeating the jutsu, defeating death, staying by his side -but he had felt ashamed, after._

_In that cave Itachi himself had accused Kabuto's jutsu to profane souls._

_Sasuke's desire meant disrespecting his memory, which, in the boy's mind, was the worst thing he could do._

Madara was winning against the whole shinobi alliance, the past Kage with their superior techniques, Naruto with his endless Kyuubi chakra supply, and Sasuke, with his newly developed Enton and his perfected Susano'o.

_The boy was fighting alongside everyone but he had a different plan._

_The Senju chakra that Hashirama had given him would grant him Rinnegan's god-like power._

_He would use it to build a better world and destroy the old one, getting rid of everything old and wrong, people included._

_He knew that others wouldn't approve but he didn't care._

_He wasn't afraid of being feared or hated. His brother had suffered the same fate._

_Besides, he had already lost everyone –the one –he loved._

He should have waited for the Rinnegan to activate, instead he engaged on a one-on-one fight against Madara.

His recklessness almost got him killed by the Uchiha patriarch.

Not even his unrelenting will to survive and make his brother's dream of peace come true was enough.

Kabuto's providential arrival saved him from certain death.

_In truth it was Itachi who had saved him, once again, by giving the former spy a second chance._

_It had always been Itachi._

The medic-nin explained that Madara had found a way to pollute the First Hokage's chakra, still too weak to blend to Sasuke's. The few remains he could save, he added, would stay dormant in the boy's body for a long time.

_Maybe forever._

Sasuke's plan crumbled but he had no time to dwell on his failure; there was a war to fight.

_Another failure._

_A tragic one, but not the worst, for in Sasuke's mind losing the war, freedom, his life, was nothing, compared to having lost his brother._

_Nothing was as tragic as having killed his brother._

He could only cooperated with everyone until he and Naruto, biting back the pain from multiple injuries, backed up by Kakashi's strategic mind and the support and powers of Sakura and everyone else, were finally able to put an end on Madara and his crazy dream.

* * *

When Sasuke woke up, days later, he was in a hospital room.

His former team was there.

Like he had already done once, he jumped out the bed, ready to fight again.

Rinnegan or not he hadn't changed his mind. He wanted justice.

He had promised to defend Konoha in Itachi's name.

Not the Hokage. Not the elders.

He dared Naruto to kill him because he had no intention to stop otherwise, but his friend did something unexpected: he refused to fight.

The blond was uncharacteristically calm when he simply told him: "We defeated a god together. We'll settle this as well."

He, too, wanted a world where no one would have to experience loss and loneliness, pain and discrimination like both of them did, he added.

When Tsunade rushed to the room there were no visible wounds to heal, but the truth about how cruelly the Uchiha clan was annihilated, narrated by the broken voice of its only survivor, hurt her more than words could express.

Had Dan been alive, had he been Hokage at that time, that atrocity would have never happened.

He would have found a peaceful solution. He was a man of peace, just like the young one that Danzo had forced to destroy his clan for the greater good and the sake of his little brother.

The woman's voice was still shaken but her look was determined when she assured Sasuke that justice would be done.

The boy trusted that look, hoping that it would not be another failure.

It wasn't: the elders were exiled and the truth was publicly disclosed.

A shrine for the victims of the massacre was built in the Uchiha cemetery.

The name of the one who suffered the most was engraved in bigger, golden letters.

* * *

Despite Sasuke's contribution to the war the other Kage did not trust him, especially the Raikage, who wouldn't forget that he had tried to kidnap his brother Killer Bee.

He was allowed to work for the village under constant control.

He wasn't allowed on long term missions and was banned from the Land Of Lightning and other countries.

Humbly, the young Uchiha accepted every condition.

He had no choice in the matter and no other place to go.

He was tired of living a rogue's life, always traveling and hiding.

Having valiantly fought in the war as well, Team Taka was allowed to stay. Despite their lack of discipline they accepted to be enrolled as a new three man team. They were tired of their old life too.

Team 7 became Team Yamato after the new leader, that Kakashi kept calling Tenzo for some unknown reason.

Sasuke was not teamed up with any squad.

Usually he worked with the silver haired shinobi and different ones every time.

The council feared that his dangerous, rebellious nature could rub off on his comrades if they fraternized too much.

Especially Naruto, who fiercely defended him, wasn't allowed to be in his same team.

Tsunade fought just as fiercely against this disposition, defining it a lack of humanity towards a child who had lost himself because of them all.

He had lost everything because of the system, she reiterated, throwing a scroll on the ground after Ōnoki defined him a time bomb, a potential Madara who had to be put on a tight leash.

She disclosed the truth about the Uchiha massacre.

She pointed out how Konoha, that she represented, was responsible for those deaths and how the never-ending hostility between nations had triggered the fear that a civil war in the Leaf would have attracted enemies like vultures to a wounded man, so that for the past rulers the only solution had been severing the limb instead of healing it.

Tsunade accused the Tsuchikage himself, with his past war actions and shady politics, to be just as guilty as Konoha of forcing a boy to slaughter his clan so that his younger brother would be kept alive, and to infiltrate a terrorist organization –the same one he resorted to in more than one occasion.

She blamed the Raikage's inflexible mindset and the Suikage's indifference towards what happened outside her borders, to be just as guilty as the Leaf for not listening to said younger brother's rightful and understandable protests.

Certainly Uchiha Sasuke had committed crimes but the first crime had been committed against him, his brother, his family and his clan.

This, just like his contribution in the war, couldn't be ignored or dismissed.

If they exploited his strength and discarded him like they had done to Itachi where was the change they were trying to achieve?

* * *

Despite her eloquent and heartfelt speech they didn't budge from their position and Sasuke was pardoned with a long list of restrictions.

He should be thankful that they didn't seal his chakra, the Tsuchikage snarled.

Tsunade was mortified for her failure with the Council, but her hands were tied.

She expected the boy to throw a fit of understandable rage when he was notified the terms of his probation.

_She expected him to do what he had done in the past, when he attacked the Kage during their meeting._

Instead, the young Uchiha nodded calmly as she spoke, only asking if was allowed to have a lodging of his own, having been in a sort of unofficial home arrest at Kakashi's place since he got out of the hospital.

He even thanked her when she guaranteed that his house would be ready in a few days.

* * *

The war and the silent, unbecoming fear of dying or losing precious companions, brought shinobi closer to each other; now that peace is finally achieved everyone enjoys eating together after missions.

Someone even tries alcohol, ignoring the three ninja prohibitions and their young age.

_They survived a war after all._

Even Sasuke sometimes hangs out with his comrades, but most of the time he is away on mission.

He is always available as a last minute replacement or as an extra man in a squad.

He still doesn't use honorifics, his defiant look may come out uncalled for, but it is never followed by words or actions. He is a good shinobi, respecting comrades and superiors, never complaining no matter the task.

_He is silent, detached, effective._

_A perfect shinobi._

_Almost like him._

His respectful and cooperative behavior is positively regarded, but he is neither trying to win the Council's trust nor to impress anyone.

Tiring his body and wearing out his mind is the only way Sasuke knows to deceive himself into _not_ thinking.

_He doesn't care about being on probation._

_He doesn't care about not being allowed to have a team._

_He doesn't care about himself at all._

_He made it._

_He killed Danzo. He would have killed the other elders too but Tsunade_ _didn't want him to_ _repeat the same actions of the past._

_She begged him to trust her, for he was not alone anymore. She promised to put them on public trial and make sure they would receive the punishment they deserve –not a fast death that would make them victims, but exile, guilt and shame –so that everyone would know the truth and Sasuke wouldn't be marked as a criminal again._

_He accepted. Not that he minded being considered a criminal or anything else._

_The only thing that mattered was that to obtain justice._

_Konoha's discrimination has been exposed._

_Now Itachi has a tombstone with the words "Hero. Shinobi. Brother." engraved in it._

_Finally his name has been cleared of the infamy, so much that Sasuke feels that the only way to honor his brother's sacrifice is to become perfect like him._

_Even if he is not perfect._

_Even if he can't even stop thinking. It doesn't matter how many missions he accepts; there is no fatigue that makes him forget the one he loved and hated, sought and killed, found again and lost, this time forever._

* * *

"…I understand, but it seems impossible. Can we trust this intel?"

From the closed door in the Hokage's office Kakashi's gruff voice is barely audible.

"Considering the cause I'd say unexpected, not impossible."

Sasuke waits for Tsunade to finish the sentence.

Entering the room he is greeted by an uncomfortable silence.

Did he interrupt something? Not his problem, he thinks.

When he is over delivering his report, Tsunade gestures him to stand at ease.

"We all have seen how powerful Juubi's chakra was, during the war."

She pauses, remembering all their comrades whose lives ended in a single moment, when the Ten Tails hit the Tactical Unit.

"There is more than its destructive power: somehow the chakra streamed underground, causing what scientists in the whole alliance are calling 'singularities'."

Kakashi straightens his back and closes his book.

"Our scouts spotted someone in a farm outside the Land Of Fire, between Takigakure and the Mountain's Graveyard territory."

Sasuke knows the area.

_He remembered how Itachi cried after the massacre, as he was leaving him, he resolved to avenge him, sitting on those huge bones jutting out from the soil._

_He got Itachi's eyes transplanted –how he had wished Itachi appeared through them - in the hideout of the man who pretended to be Uchiha Madara, in that secluded territory._

The Hokage sighs, before speaking again. "They claim it's…Uchiha Itachi."

Sasuke doesn't suppress a glare that reminds his former sensei of older times.

_The familiar sensation of cold yet burning rage fills his heart. How dare they speak about his brother?_

"It's a hoax. My brother is dead and buried."

_Despite the posthumous honor he received his body, his burnt arm, his empty sockets, are returning to the elements in a nameless grave._

No matter how unaffected he tries to sound, it hurts to say it out loud.

The Hokage's tone becomes softer.

"It's not the first time I've been receiving similar intel from other countries. I don't know what to think about this yet, but as a medic nin I cannot deny that our training includes infusing chakra to a dead fish to revive it. And Juubi's was no ordinary chakra…", she trails off.

"…a farm outside the Land of Fire, between Takigakure and the Mountain's Graveyard territory?"

Repeats Sasuke.

"Yes. I'm forming a team to investigate further. You're free to join it, but if you don't want to be involved I underst…"

This time Sasuke doesn't wait for her to finish talking.

She should stop him; when his brother is concerned the boy becomes completely unpredictable.

_Things change and yet they stay the same, she thinks._

_When she first saw him she was told that after having heard that the elder was near, he had rushed in search of him, he had fought him despite the difference in strength, ending up wounded and catatonic._

He isn't even allowed to go on solo missions. Nevertheless, she lets him go.

She would do the same if someone saw Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this fanfiction comes from a song by Dead Can Dance.
> 
> I've been playing with this idea since a long time, writing a draft of the first chapters but never uploading them. My first inspiration came from a doujinshi called Kondo No Hikari by Maco. The universe she created, although only a sketch, suggested the basic idea for this fic. I even contacted the doujinka to see if it was ok for her,before I started writing. When Sasuke's revolution intent was revealed I had a bad feeling that he would never had justice and that the end would be bad for him. Expecting a shallow talk no jutsu solving his problems, a mild punishment and a cheesy ending, I was working on this story, imagining a plausible scenario where a little attempt of justice would be done, but also all the inconsistencies of a flawed system that I knew wouldn't change. The ending came out in all its awful un-glory and the disappointment made me write What He Wanted.
> 
> For this universe I want to do justice to all characters, not focus on the negative traits that canon had highlighted. So, Naruto really wants to help the one he considers his best friend, and he really wants to make things better because he considers Sasuke's pain and loneliness similar to the one he felt too, Sakura is an individual that can move on from childhood crushes, Tsunade, a woman who knows what it's like to lose everyone you love, is a strong woman and a passionate leader, strong but also compassionate.
> 
> As for everything else...I don't want to spoil you anything.


	2. Chapter 2

>   
>  _"I still recall the taste of your tears._  
>  _Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears._  
>  _My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore._  
>  _Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore."_  
>  _You make this all go away, You make this all go away_  
>  _I'm down to just one thing, I'm starting to scare myself_  
>  _You make this all go away, You make it all go away_  
>  _I just want something, I just want something I can never have "_
> 
> _(Nine Inch Nails, Something I Can Never Have)_

 

* * *

 

Sasuke knows that he is going to be closely monitored until the Council is sure about his loyalty –even after. Maybe forever –and that at the minimum insubordination he is going to be severely punished.

He knows well that he is not allowed to do solo missions but he doesn't care.

As he leaps from branch to branch his mind is only able to process the same questions, repeating them over and over.

Is Itachi really alive?

If he is why doesn't he come back to the village he protected so much?

If he is why doesn't he come back to the brother he sacrificed his life for?

_As he leaps from branch to branch Sasuke is pulled by two opposite forces._

_His mind, angered and confused by his absence, wants to know why he didn't come back for him._

_His heart only wants to see him again, to hear the voice that resonates in his ears at night, when he wakes up abruptly after hearing his brother's calm, low tone as he calls his name._

Sasuke spots a secluded farm. And familiar chakra.

_His brother's chakra._

_His dead brother's chakra._

_He can't fall for this hoax, he commands himself steadying his breath as he activates his sharingan._

_He must think rationally._

_There must be a logical explanation. When Zetsu and his clones transformed into someone else they also copied their chakra. Even if the human-plant hybrids are considered extinct it's obvious that they are not._

Hiding behind a tree he catches a glimpse of a tall, slender man, standing in the open, sunlight adding brownish, almost auburn shades to his dark, dark hair.

_The first thing Sasuke remembers is a bundle of sensory impressions._

_He just woke up; warmth encircles him; a soft voice is humming a melody; the sunlight shines through dark strands of hair, adding them a reddish undertone._

_He doesn't think, he doesn't feel. He just lives in that moment, unaware of himself, unaware of everything but the one holding him, giving him support and safety._

_That other being is not just home, for home would imply there's somewhere else outside._

_Sasuke orbits around Itachi. He is Sasuke's whole universe._

_Why are these memories coming back now? The boy mentally scolds his weakness._

_Zetsu clones always surprise their opponent, tricking them into a false sense of familiarity, and Sasuke's naive falling for it puts his ability to shame and hurts his pride._

_Itachi's body is one with the earth since a long time. His soul told him words of love before leaving him forever._

_Sasuke came here to see this desecrating fraud with his own eyes -Itachi's eyes._

_A silent prayer, for his brother to light up the way to the truth, flickers in his mind._

_It's not him. It can't be him._

_Can he?_

Sasuke can only see the man's straight back _–it was the same during their like childhood. It was the same during the fight against Kabuto –_ and his low ponytail.

His feet move on their own, stopping only when the man quickly turns around.

_The same shinobi reflexes._

Moving, speaking, even breathing is impossible: everything freezes, even his heart, because his late brother is right there in front of him.

He looks pale, just like _that time_.

 _W_ _hen he let Sasuke believe he had finally killed him, when he gave him the chance to return to Konoha as a hero, when he freed him from the curse mark, when he offered him his eyes and his life as a parting gift._

_How could he not notice his brother was sick?_

_Sasuke had the same milky white skin as their mother, while his was honey colored like their father._

_When he was in Konoha he was slightly tanned like their cousin Shisui, because of their training in the open._

_Sasuke was jealous because he wasn't old and strong enough to join them, and the only thing he could do was retrieve their kunai or call them back when it was time to go home._

_His brother's skin was fairer when Sasuke saw him at the inn._

_He had been so close that the boy recalled every shade._

_He looked healthy back then. And strong, and cold, and so unreachable._

_Instead, in the Uchiha hideout Itachi was almost as pale as him._

_It was obvious that he must have been in indescribable pain, coughing blood, not being able to dodge his modified shuriken, but Sasuke was so determined in making his longtime ambition come true that he kept carrying on each step of his plan, blind to each signal._

_He was so focused on his future vision of avenging the past that he failed to see the present, thus missing the truth._

_If only he had stopped for a moment…_

Unlike his own, there is no sharingan blazing in this person's eyes.

_Ever since he left, Sasuke had only seen Itachi's sharingan, so much that he almost forgot that his brother had black eyes, just like him._

_The last time he saw them was the morning before the massacre, when the elder poked his forehead before going out._

_Had Sasuke known what was about to happen, he would have hugged his brother tight, so tight, so incredibly tight. He would have never let him go._

Why is he sentimental again? He warns his inner self.

This man standing in front of him is not his brother.

His eye shape and color is the same as _him_ , just like his long lashes and the tear troughs, but it's not him.

He is dressed like a civilian. His brown trousers are rolled up to his knee, his white tunic is a little too big for him. It can't be him.

It definitely can't be him: in his arms – _the same arms that killed their parents to prevent a civil war and save him from certain death_ –he is holding a baby.

* * *

 

The man who looks like Itachi tilts his head on the side, taking in Sasuke's figure with an inquiring look, not unlike that one time before their fight, when he casually commented how he got taller.

_Sasuke thought that his brother was making fun of their sibling relationship with that question._

_How painful it must have been for him, pretending to not care about his precious little brother, hurting the one he had cradled when he was younger and smaller than this toddler...but_ _Sasuke understood it too late._

_Back then, black burning hate gnawed at his heart, its flames incinerating everything else, just like he wanted._

_Just like he needed to defeat Itachi._

_He almost made it, quickly filling the holes whenever a different, unwanted feeling –uncertainty, longing, love –threatened to come out._

_He almost made it, but when he used all his techniques, when he was out of chakra and even Orochimaru's cursed power was gone, he succumbed to fear as the elder approached._

_He didn't care about how he won, as long as Itachi was dead._

_He didn't care about dying, as long as he accomplished his goal, but that wasn't going to happen because he was paralyzed against a wall and at the same time he was pinned against another wall, an arrogant kid who thought his newly learned chidori was enough to make him strong, and at the same time he was a child who twisted his ankle imitating his adored big brother who was coming towards him, only his look was scary and his voice was different, even his face was different, covered in blood as it was as he pronounced his last words. As he gave Sasuke his last gift._

_The black flames of Amaterasu._

Right when the man is about to say something, a woman comes out of the house.

Her smile is warm, like their mother's. She takes hold of the small bundle before politely asking Sasuke is she can help him.

She is friendly and not afraid of a stranger entering her property. Probably because she knows the war is over.

_Or because she has the strongest shinobi by her side._

_What an inappropriate thought, that is not Itachi. That is not even a human._

_Maybe she is a Zetsu too. Maybe the baby is one as well._

"You two really resemble each other…"

She muses out loud before asking Sasuke where he comes from, remarking that it's quite far. He must be tired and hungry, she adds, inviting him to come inside.

The man doesn't react when she brings up their resemblance, nor when she mentions Konoha.

When he finally speaks Sasuke is aghast.

_The same deep voice he hears at night._

_His brother's voice…but it can't be._

_This man didn't react at his sight or at Konoha's mention, t_ _herefore he is not Itachi._

_There are no burn scars at all on his arm. There aren't many able to heal such wounds so well._

_Only Tsunade,_ _Orochimaru and_ _Kabuto could. As resourceful as they were not even Akatsuki members had that ability, unlike Zetsu, who could heal itself._

_Besides, even though he looks calm and collected like his late brother, something about him is off._

_Sasuke holds on to this thought. Until the man speaks._

"Do you know me?"

* * *

 

Such a simple yet difficult question is the answer Sasuke was looking for.

_Except that Sasuke wasn't just looking for answers._

_Sasuke was looking for his Itachi. Or for an impostor so he could destroy him, for no one desecrates his brother._

_Sasuke was looking for something else –his love._

_Something more –the hope of a life together._

_Something he can't have._

That's why he hasn't come back to Konoha. That's why he hasn't come back to him.

That's why he looks off.

Itachi doesn't know his identity. He has forgotten his past.

He has forgotten the war he witnessed when he was just a child.

He has forgotten the endless training, the missions, the assassinations.

He has forgotten being a double agent and carrying the hate of both Konoha and the clan on his shoulders.

He has forgotten Shisui's suicide and the massacre, the Akatsuki and his illness.

_He has forgotten the baby he cradled in his arms and their games in the woods._

_He has forgotten the pokes and the stormy nights, sleeping in the same bed._

_He has forgotten his brother's chidori piercing him, his katon burning him, his Kirin electrocuting him._

_He has forgotten a life of sacrifice, only for his sake._

He has no idea of who Sasuke is.

Sasuke's mouth curls into a bitter smile.

Finally his brother got lucky: Juubi's chakra gave him a new life, destroying his past and freeing him from his younger brother, the heaviest burden.

The woman is saying something but Sasuke doesn't pay attention, too busy shutting his heart down as it threatens to break and spill out in liquid form.

_Look at him; he is living in a peaceful country. He has a wife and a child. He is going to be a great father._

_He has a new life: he doesn't need anything else._

_He doesn't need you._

"Are you happy?" Sasuke asks him abruptly, ignoring his question, his tone slightly taller than normal.

In the past he would have given anything for his brother to look at him with the same interest he's showing now.

_He never noticed that Itachi's gaze was always on him._

Anyone else would overreact. Not Uchiha Itachi of the Leaf, hero, shinobi, brother –not anymore –who simply tilts his head and squints slightly, as if he were trying to see beyond the surface, like he always did.

That was a personal question, meaning that they know each other, which is confirmed by the resemblance they share.

Itachi's onyx-black eyes, no longer glazed by blindness, are still penetrating as they study the young man with messy hair, slender frame and a look that is screaming his pain to him, and he feels he should understand but he doesn't and he feels guilty and confused and frustrated, and he thinks he should say something to voice this struggle but he just can't.

_Maybe it's not in his nature to express his inner thoughts._

Sasuke's memory has stored everything about the brother he adored and chased through his whole life; he knows that under a gracefully concentrated look there is more. That for someone who knew so much, not knowing must be terrible.

_Itachi spared Sasuke from the burden of knowing the hard truth. Now it's Sasuke's turn to keep his precious soul untainted._

"Your eyes. Why…"

The elder takes a step towards him.

_His voice is too soft, too caring, like a perfect brother, and he can't be because he is not his brother anymore._

"…are you crying?"

Tears stubbornly refuse to fall _–he's a shinobi, he can't cry –_ until the older man's words turn them into a too heavy burden to carry.

Itachi's hand _instinctively_ reaches his face but stops midway, for the boy turns to the side, a clear sign that he doesn't want any physical contact.

_Many, many times, when loneliness was too much to bear, Sasuke closed his eyes and caressed his face, imagining it was Itachi's hand, like he used to do when he was a child, but his touch was never as light as his brother's and his fingers were never as warm._

Outside their own inner worlds there is only the quiet symphony of the wind rustling through the grass and the trees.

And two hearts beating. One is fast and loud, the other muffled and irregular.

They stand still, facing each other, so close that they could touch, but they don't.

They can't.

_He can't._

_If he did he would never be able to let him go._

The baby's whimper breaks the silence. His mother cradles him, heading towards the house, and Sasuke's comes out of his bangs.

_This baby is lucky to have Itachi as a father. He will feel safe under the spell of his humming voice, sleeping in his arms, clinging to his hand as he learns how to walk. Just like he has._

_Unlike him though, he won't lose him._

_Sasuke won't allow it._

"I…I wanted to see if it was true, if it was really you …"

He takes a deep breath.

_This is the right thing._

_Don't hesitate. Don't be selfish._

_Be like him._

"This life…is good for you."

He manages not to stutter.

_He can't. He must be perfect like Itachi._

"Farewell..."

Sasuke doesn't look behind as he disappears in the trees.

"…brother…"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that was a ton of stream of consciousness. Sorry for those who like a linear writing. I find myself writing inner worlds more than the outer one. Must be because I live in my head so much that I like inner thoughts and feeling so much.
> 
> I'm the opposite of "show, don't tell", I guess...
> 
> This chapter is still inspired by Maco's doujinshi Kondo No Hikari and so will be the next one. Doujins are a different form of expression, just like drawing and visual arts, they express every emotion, feeling, motivation, with a facial expression or a gesture. Writing can do this or the opposite, expanding or dissecting a gesture and an expression, like I do. When I like something I want to know everything about it, same for characters and stories. I want to see/read a scene I loved from every point of vue and angle, analysing everything behind it, over and over.
> 
> This fic is going to be long and slow, more than What He Wanted, whose plot followed an opposite direction/vibe compared to this one.
> 
> If you are looking for something faster, hotter, less introspective...I'm sorry, it is not going to happen.


	3. Chapter 3

> " _We look hard, we look through_
> 
> _We look hard to see for real_
> 
> _Such things I hear, they don't make sense_
> 
> _I don't see much evidence_
> 
> _I don't feel. I don't feel. I don't feel…"_
> 
> _(Sisters Of Mercy, Lucretia My Reflection)_

 

Sasuke opens the windows. The house is in perfect order but the air is stale and dusty.

He offered to join a squad that was leaving on a mission right after delivering his report –that man is _not_ Itachi Uchiha –but the Hokage sent him home.

She used to pretend she hadn't noticed the circles under the boy's eyes and how gaunt he looked, knowing that lecturing him on how important it was to eat more and sleep properly, wouldn't have worked. Actions spoke louder than words for someone like him, so she occasionally coerced him to have a check up, sending him away with an excessive quantity of supplements pill bottles.

Although reluctantly, she kept his Uchiha pride intact one more time, ignoring his slightly swollen eyes.

* * *

Sasuke was given a traditional style house not far from the area where the Uchiha compound was located before Pain destroyed the village.

It wasn't a gesture of discrimination; in fact it was to give him connection to his clan instead of forcing him to forget it. Besides, he could have chosen a modern-looking apartment downtown, instead.

At first he liked the idea of having a small-scale reproduction of his old house to treasure his memories but soon they became unbearable, saturating the place with a heavy cloud of misery, the same that reigned over his heart, despite his efforts to suffocate it by becoming a perfect shinobi like his late brother, which soon became drowning himself in missions and staying away most of the time.

_Sasuke never had many objects._

_When he was moved to the apartment, after the massacre, he brought only a few clothes and his academy books._

_He had already decided to be an avenger._

_He needed to become strong: everything else was unnecessary._

_Yet some nights he sneaked into the Uchiha compound._

_There was no restriction against it but he didn't want anyone to see him go there._

_No one had to know that he wandered the empty rooms staring at all the objects that were left behind –just like him –sometimes screaming his lungs out, others crying himself to sleep everywhere but in Itachi's room._

_There, he had frantically searched for something, anything hinting that his caring, sweet, perfect brother was a cruel murderer who killed the whole clan to measure his capacity, not finding anything, for the truth was only in Itachi's heart, locked and hidden to keep his little brother alive and safe._

_For a while, despite being night time, Sasuke made himself dinner there._

_At first he spotted a few vegetables that weren't rotting yet._

_His mother hated wasted food thus he decided to use them. He wasn't able to cook, young as he was, with only a candle to make light, but he had watched her countless times._

_When fresh vegetables were finished he used rice and spices, then whatever was in the pantry, even natto. When he ran out of food he –shyly, for this wasn't his own property –took the shop's senbei, putting them in the bowls his mother used when her friends came for a chat._

_Every time Sasuke focused on the task, shutting off everything else._

_Every time Sasuke ate his midnight dinner, not leaving a single morsel, then let the pain eat him in return._

_It was foolish and pathetic. Just like him._

One family picture was all he had when he left Konoha to become strong.

He never had the heart to cut Itachi out.

_If he were an artist he could draw it with his eyes closed, for he knows all the details by heart._

_The orange light of the sunset. The peonies in the back –his mother once said that in the language of flowers they meant courage._

_Her warm sweet smile. Fugaku's hand on her shoulder._

_He looks stern as usual: he was in a hurry that day, Sasuke now knows why._

_His brother looks pensive. He was distracted by something heavy and sad as he encircles Sasuke's little form._

_The child smiles, oblivious to everything but his big brother behind him._

_Looking at that picture Sasuke assumed that Itachi already hated all of them._

_Later he realized how wrong he was._

His belongings consisted in a change of clothes, his weapons and that single picture when he moved in.

His former comrades and the Hokage were waiting inside with a surprise.

During the reconstruction after Pain's attack people had retrieved everything they could, even insignificant common objects, because they were part of their personal history. Or someone else's.

Everyone kept pictures of strangers as well, storing them until they came to pick them, explained Tsunade, handing the boy a big photo album.

Naruto and Sakura had been collecting them since a long time, for the moment their friend would return.

Sakura had looked lovingly at the blond because that was the period she had gotten over her childhood crush for the Uchiha and started having romantic feelings for the comrade who came up with such a sensitive idea.

Tsunade had Shizune delve through countless documents to find his family records, his parents' marriage certificate, his and Itachi's birth certificate and so on.

She had also searched for Naruto's family records and pictures, making him just as happy to finally have something official about his parents.

Even Sai and Yamato were incredibly helpful, digging through Anbu's and Root files, that for once were used for a positive purpose.

Sasuke was touched by the gesture.

He proudly hanged some of the pictures on the walls, spending hours looking at them.

His favorite was a picture of him and Itachi.

They were so young and even Itachi was smiling. He looked almost like a normal child, even though his look was already wise and a little wary, already understanding too much of the world.

Soon Sasuke began wondering whether in those pictures his father had already decided for the coup, and whether Itachi's hell had already started, until they became too painful that he put them in a drawer, but it was useless for they were carved in his memory.

* * *

His house is as orderly as his garden is a mess. Weeds are everywhere. The hammock that Naruto brought him as a gift hangs asymmetrically, one of its cords being broken for poor maintenance.

He hated that thing anyway.

Whenever he is at home his friend comes by. Whether he senses his presence with sage mode or he simply checks his shifts it's unclear.

Sometimes he brings people with him, usually Sakura.

The two often joke about her former crush on the Uchiha, but instead of hitting the blond like she used to in the past, she laughs at how embarrassingly clingy she was.

Nevertheless she managed to extort a formal excuse for the way Sasuke treated her and Karin.

They are good friends now; sometimes they visit him together, with or without Juugo and Suigetsu.

Even if Sasuke isn't allowed to work with his former teams there are no restrictions on seeing them in his free time. Not yet, at least.

More than once the boy sarcastically remarked that it could happen if they kept showing up.

Most of the times Naruto comes alone, bringing snacks that only he likes, and drinks that are too sweet for Sasuke's taste, leaving crumbs all over the place and complaining because the Uchiha lives in a real house, with large rooms, a comfortable kitchen and a beautiful bathroom while he is still in his old apartment.

This time his uninvited guest is someone who usually leaves him alone, outside work time.

"Oi, Sasuke, have you seen a puppy?" he asks, casually sitting among the messy weeds.

"Pakkun and the others found it in the woods…the poor thing had its mother and siblings killed by a bear." he explains as the pug, followed by the whole pack, silently gather from every corner –more silent than cats. They are shinobi dogs, after all –and sit beside their owner and the Uchiha boy.

"It is smart and fast, it could be a perfect ninken but it just can't stand discipline. And noises. And crowds. And most people," he adds with a curious look, "Now that I think of it, it reminds me of you…"

There's a rustling from under the tall grass.

Sasuke plunges an arm into a particularly wild spot, picking a small, cream white dog. They both glare at the silver haired jounin who simply shrugs.

"Maybe _he_ doesn't want to be tamed."

"What did you see, Sasuke?"

The older man asks, suddenly.

"Nothing" he replies, hardening his jaw, "The report was a hoax."

He puts the puppy back on the ground.

"It wasn't. I saw him too."

Sasuke was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice. He should have known that someone would follow him. He was lucky that it was Kakashi. He would have been arrested otherwise.

"Besides…you're a terrible liar."

_He truly is a bad liar._

_He lied to Itachi when he said he hated him, yet the elder saw the truth; he lacked hate._

_He doesn't care enough to lie to everyone else._

_This time it's different: he has to protect his brother._

_Lying is the way he can do it, just like Itachi did to protect him._

"He lost his memory. He doesn't know Konoha…and me", he replies.

"Why didn't you tell him? He seemed interested in you."

Kakashi throws a twig; the puppy fetches it, but instead of bringing it back, he brings it at Sasuke's feet.

"It's better if he doesn't know," he throws the little branch after a slight hesitation, "This village made him suffer enough."

"I made him suffer enough", he adds almost inaudibly.

"It's not a decision you can take alone, Sasuke," Kakashi interrupts, "You should have realized by now that the Hokage wants the best for you and the village supports her. Unlike the Council. They think we are too soft on you. They'll use everything they can to take away your rights and your freedom."

"So what?"

_Itachi didn't care about his freedom or his life. He only cared about protecting him._

_Sasuke doesn't care about his freedom. He doesn't care about himself at all._

_All he cares about is protecting his brother._

_Let them imprison him, let them torture him, he doesn't care._

The dog happily brings Sasuke the twig, the boy keeps throwing it.

"You fled the village to find your mysteriously revived brother. You lied about him and left him there, free to be found by anyone. In someone like the Raikage's point of view, this is associating with a criminal."

The puppy wags his tail, patiently waiting for Sasuke's throw.

"Do you think he simply will leave your brother be, because you, of all people, swear that he is a farmer with no memory of the past?"

"I don't care about the Raikage! Itachi has a wife and a child now!"

The dog backs away. The boy hates to voice his inner thoughts. No one understands him anyway, no matter how hard they try.

"That child, for the Raikage, would be considered a criminal's son, a future sharingan wielder. A possible threat," Kakashi explains, with a sympathetic tone.

"Revived people are a rare, extraordinary phenomenon that occurred throughout the whole Alliance, therefore all Kage receive every single report about them. It's honorable, your wish to protect your brother's new life, but some things are beyond personal matters. Itachi's life, to name one. Not all countries agreed with Konoha's decision to clear his name and criminal record. Not just Orochimaru or some minor Akatsuki affiliate may look for him for their shady purposes, but these countries' shinobi as well, and they won't have the same respect that you had when they'll prove he's not pretending."

Kakashi stands up. The pack –but one –disappears in a puff of smoke.

"Besides, Sasuke…do you really think you can stay away from him?"

The puppy tentatively approaches Sasuke, whose tone is even again, although the hurt is noticeable.

"How can I interfere with his happiness after he gave up everything just to keep me alive?"

He clenches his fists, voice rising again.

"How can you all even think about it?"

He will not take Itachi's future again.

Even if it means going against Tsunade and the Five Kage Council.

Even if it means not being by his side.

Sasuke has proved himself a loyal shinobi countless times since he came back but Itachi is more important than Konoha, the Alliance, his comrades or even himself.

_Especially himself._

If Itachi hadn't been forced to end their clan and become a rogue nin, if there hadn't been any massacre, he would be the Uchiha leader by now.

He would have his own family.

He would preside over meetings and negotiate with the Hokage and the elders.

He would be just, wise and strong.

Instead he threw away his future for the village and sacrificed his life for his brother.

"To know he's alive…it's enough." Sasuke mumbles before his former sensei disappears.

_It must be._

* * *

The next day there is an unofficial meeting, consisting of Mei visiting her fellow female Kage friend Tsunade, and bringing Gaara along because he might want to see his friends too, although it's no mystery that she enjoys the company of handsome young men.

Both attractive and a potentially dangerous opponent to control as much as possible, Sasuke is given a great quantity of short, simple missions and kept out of the Kazekage's sight.

After their departure, going to the Hokage's office to make himself available for extra missions, he finds her in a terrible mood.

"Bring your ass home, Uchiha! I don't wanna see your face for two days! Have some goddamn rest!" she yells at him, hung-over.

He has no choice but to obey then; as if tossing and turning in bed means resting anyway.

As if keeping his body still would stop his mind from spiraling towards the same direction.

Towards him.

It's the fourth time he loses Itachi.

The first time he was abandoned after the massacre. That time he lost both his brother and the comfort of their memories together.

_As if he could erase them as the lies of a cruel murderer. He still cherished them, unwillingly, reliving the same pain and fear every time he remembered his kind older brother._

The second time he killed his brother.

Obito explained that he was already dying, that he was taking medicines to prolong his life, waiting for him, so that he could die in front of him. He explained that Itachi wanted Sasuke to witness his death –the death of his most important person –so that he would obtain the mangekyou sharingan.

_Itachi had told him to kill his best friend, but in truth he knew no one was more important than him, in Sasuke's heart._

Still, Sasuke felt like he was the only responsible for his death because he was blind and stupid and he didn't notice how sick Itachi was, and he used all his force against a dying man.

_And yet he didn't make it to defeat him._

The third time, when his brother's spoke words of unconditional love and acceptance, before his soul left the Edo Tensei body in a shining light, while Sasuke stayed behind in the dark.

The fourth time it's not Itachi who disappears, but Sasuke, from his brother's memory.

_Number four represents death after all._

_The fourth time is a blessing for his brother._

_And a curse for him, but he must be strong and selfless. He must be like him._

He can't help but play their encounter over and over in his head, imagining what would have happened if he let Itachi touch his face orif he told him they were brothers.

_He would have reveled in the touch, he would have wanted to be hugged like he was as a child._

_He would have hugged the elder back, unable to restrain himself._

_He would have brought him to Konoha with him._

_It's easy to imagine a future, but it's selfish. It's wrong, and Sasuke is ashamed for having these thoughts but the more he tries to bury them the more they return._

He should feel at peace with himself because he did the right thing.

He wanted to be like Itachi. He acted selflessly like Itachi did.

Then why does he feel so desperate?

_Did Itachi feel so desperate and lost too, when he left him?_

* * *

A series of yelps forces him out of bed.

To reach him, Shiro attempted to stand on two paws but lost balance.

_Kakashi made fun of his lack of originality. He could pick any name but he came up with the most obvious one, but Sasuke didn't have much experience in the field; the animals he summoned already had names._

_The only things he names were his techniques and he did it quickly, based on his first impression, like chidori, whose electric crackling reminded him of chirping birds._

_He did the same with the dog. He was white, thus Shiro._

Sasuke sits cross-legged on the ground and gives Shiro the attention he wanted.

There's a hole in his garden wall. From there the puppy sneaks into the neighboring house where lives an old lady who lost her husband, son and now nephew in different wars.

She used to live just outside the compound and play with Uchiha children, she told Sasuke, adding that she is very happy to have a pet keeping her company, so when the teen is away the dog is more than welcome to roam free between their houses.

A few days before Naruto and Sakura invited Kakashi and Sasuke, returning from an embarrassingly easy mission –the silver haired shinobi seemed to enjoy that kind of menial tasks –at Ichiraku's.

The boy declined with an obscure "Gotta feed the dog" that sounded like a random excuse their former sensei could have come up with.

When said former sensei explained the situation Sakura scolded the man.

How could he be so insensitive, giving a pet to someone who missed his brother?

What she didn't understand was that Sasuke's pain, was so excruciating that no one could heal it; the hole in his soul caused by Itachi's loss was so deep that no one, not a pet and not even a human, could fill it.

Besides, Sasuke is not offended.

_He doesn't care about not being understood. He made it: they understand his brother. That's all that matters._

He can't help but think that this puppy has lost everyone. A monster killed his family, leaving him alone and scared. Despite the pack's help and Kakashi's attempts to train him he didn't fit in.

Surely he is missing his mother's care. Surely he's missing playing with his brothers.

Surely there are times he thinks it was just a nightmare and he'll see them again when he'll wake up, and when he does he understands it's not going to happen and he relives the terrible moment when the bear slaughtered them all.

Shiro doesn't fit in Kakashi's pack because he doesn't belong there.

He doesn't belong anywhere, now that he lost his family.

Sasuke feels the same way.

* * *

When he is suddenly summoned into the Hokage's office he knows the reason.

She must have verified his report, or Kakashi must have talked.

With the Kage and her hangover gone Tsunade is going to accuse him of treason.

Maybe he'll be demoted of his jounin rank, maybe of his shinobi status.

Maybe they'll seal his chakra.

He is calm: he protected his brother, the one he loves the most, and his family.

Let them strip him of his status and rank, he doesn't care.

Let them take away his chakra, he is not going to let them near his brother, no matter the cost.

To his surprise, he is not immobilized as he enters her office.

He is not even questioned.

The room is crowded: Tsunade is standing behind her desk, Shizune on her left and Kakashi on her right. Two jounin and three Anbu members are on the other side.

They are all surrounding his brother.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I stole the dog from the fillers, but made it white-ish because of reasons. Sasuke's dog is the best thing even came out from a filler. I love animals and I think Sasuke loves animals a lot too.
> 
> He seems the type who loves animals more than people, and is more open with them than with people, who can't be trusted or simply are uninteresting (but one...)
> 
> I like how in canon he is the one who has more relationships/encounters with animals than anyone else.
> 
> In my story, they're all trying to give Sasuke space to grieve and be himself (unlike canon). Kakashi here knows Sasuke won't open up and talk, and he uses the dog to make him more comfortable, since this particular dog has a similar history, so to speak. He doesn't mean to make him replace Itachi with a puppy, of course. Kakashi is not the most sensitive one but he is not an idiot. Thus Sasuke is not offended.
> 
> In this universe Konoha is trying to rehabilitate Sasuke in the eyes of other countries but it's not easy. Tsunade is more open minded than Oonoki and the Raikage after all. And she sincerely likes Sasuke, because she empathizes with his loneliness. Unlike the one in canon who had this potential but is not shown as particularly supportive especially because she is deleted in the ending, and unlike the one in the fillers.


	4. Chapter 4

 

> " _Reach out and hold me_  
>  _Take me by the hand_  
>  _Take me far away_  
>  _Take me away_  
>  _You are the only one_  
>  _The only one_
> 
> _Across a thousand oceans_  
>  _I call your name_  
>  _Across the black fields_  
>  _I call in vain"_
> 
> _(Ikon, I've Been)_

 

First there is the encompassing, silent blackness.

Then, a primitive fear. The kind that beasts experience when they face danger.

He can't breathe.

He digs his way out of the dark suffocating womb; blindly, he claws at earth and rocks, until air fills his lungs and coughing and screaming like a newborn he is comes in the world of the living.

Later, only sensory impressions.

The chilly air.

The moonlight.

The distant cry of some animal.

_The crows cawing._

The sun rising.

The heat on his skin.

The sandy ground under his feet.

He has no thoughts, no feelings, no memory, no direction.

He moves, like a leaf carried by the wind, unable to tell where he ends and the outside world starts.

Time doesn't exist in this primal state.

Sun and moon chase after each other many, many times.

_Sometimes the moon doesn't show up and everything is dark but he is not afraid; it's not as black as the blackness he escaped from._

_It's not as silent. Crows caw around him._

When his limbs are tired he rests. When his hands bring berries and roots to his mouth he eats.

Animals pass him by.

They are not afraid of him and he is not afraid of them.

He is not different from them.

_Crows are always around him._

He is one with nature.

Tufts of grass gently tickle his fingers as he lies spread-eagled on the ground, looking up, unfocused, until there are no more fingers and no grass, until the starry sky becomes a sea he can float in like fine dust in a ray of light.

* * *

He is fluctuating through white puffy clouds in a sky-blue morning, when his heightened senses are alerted by noises that don't belong to the forest.

A crack.

High-pitched screams.

Low-pitched groans.

Farther away, feeble whimpers.

_The crows stop cawing. They all head towards the same direction._

He rushes towards the latter. At the bottom of a steep slope there is a crib. Despite the fall it has no big damage; it landed on one of many leafy bushes.

_Crows are flying in circles above it._

Inside the crib, a little creature with a little voice.

_Yet his feeble whimpers are more powerful than any other noise or sound._

When he takes the baby in his arms he is hit by something powerful and unknown that cracks a deep opening inside him.

An opening that the baby fills with feelings.

Familiar feelings, even though for him nothing is familiar, except for the sky and the trees and the animals.

The familiar feeling of holding a baby in his arms.

The familiar feeling of protecting a precious life.

_Suddenly he isn't a leaf dragged by the elements anymore._

_Suddenly the appendages that pick berries and bring them to his mouth have a purpose._

_Suddenly he has a purpose._

He easily climbs the rocky slope, making no sound, like a wild animal.

_Or a shinobi._

On the upper side of the slope a woman is screaming the same thing over and over –her son's name –while struggling to lift a broken carriage and free the man trapped under it.

_He never saw a carriage or a woman or a man but he knows what they are._

_The baby makes him understand things._

_He makes him know things._

When he approaches her –a young man whose long dark hair almost cover his face, whose ragged clothes barely cover his taut body –and places the bundle in her arms she stops crying.

He easily lifts the cart up. The head of the unconscious man beneath it is bleeding.

There is a piece of cloth on the ground but he feels that it's better to pick the one hanging from the wreck to clean the man's wound, before ripping it into strips and wrapping it around his head.

_The baby makes him understand things._

_He makes him know things._

When he's done the woman is up on her feet, ready to move.

He follows her, carrying the man on his back.

For the woman it doesn't matter that he doesn't utter a word.

To her he is the answer to her prayers.

A spirit of the woods, sent to rescue her and her family.

* * *

Life with humans brings clarity in his mind. Soon he is able to formulate thoughts.

Eventually he is able to speak, but there is nothing to say because he has no memory.

_Only the feeling of holding a precious life and wanting to protect it._

They treat him with the utmost respect.

They still believe he is a spirit of the forest, he can tell from the way the woman asks him about future events he can't possibly know.

_How can he predict the future of a baby when he doesn't know his own future, or his past?_

_He doesn't even know his own face: the only mirror they had got broken in the accident._

Despite their initial reluctance –whether a spirit or a victim of fate he was saved them thus he is their special guest –he helps the couple with farming and he takes care of the baby, a task he is particularly good at.

_The only thing he's familiar with._

_Sometimes, when he looks at the baby, his face changes. His skin becomes paler, his hair darker._

_Sometimes he hears a voice; he doesn't understand the words but he is sure it's calling him._

_Sometimes the voice is joyful. Sometimes it's sad._

_Sometimes it's black and burning with deep anger and he feels crushed by its invisible weight._

_Every time he turns around though, there is no one._

The family lives in a secluded area.

They leave their home only to go sell their products to the nearest market.

On seldom occasions, for it takes half a day to reach them, they meet relatives and other farmers.

Yet they don't feel lonely: their love for each other is all they need. It's all around them, from the way she laughs at his jokes, to his praises for her cooking even if she burned half of the food, to the light in their eyes when they look at their son.

_Somehow he knows what it's like to love someone._

_He feels it when he cradles the baby and the other one appears, only for him._

_Once he is sitting cross-legged on the tatami floor, cradling the toddler._

_The afternoon sun behind him is drawing figures with what he guesses is his shape._

_A little hand reaches for him, grabbing a fistful of hair._

_Suddenly he sees the other baby, his milk-white skin, his black hair. Suddenly he hums an unknown melody._

_A gentle pressure on his shoulder shakes him out of his trance and the baby is no longer the same._

_There is no melody on his lips._

_There are tears in his eyes._

They keep saying that he can stay as long as he likes, even forever.

He is grateful to this young family; he likes helping them grow together with their land, yet he feels _–he knows –_ that he doesn't belong there.

But where does he belong? Does he even belong somewhere?

The young mother is sure he will remember when the right time comes.

Should he not, it will be for his own good.

He wonders if she is right, every time he lays on the grass and becomes one with nature again, disappearing, melting in the moist soil, floating amid the clouds or in the sea of stars.

It's harder, now that there is a self to whom he pleads to remember who he is and where he comes from and where he is going.

It becomes even harder when _someone_ sneaks up on him, shattering the remains of his blissful ignorant tranquility.

A pale, slender boy, clad in dark clothes.

_His unruly, bluish-black hair like crow feathers._

A pale, slender boy, whose presence is unknown and familiar at the same time.

_Blood-red eyes become onyx-black in front of him. Something tells him he should be more surprised._

_A pale, slender boy, fighting hard against the storm raging in his eyes._

He doesn't understand his scarce words but _he knows_ that voice.

 _The same voice that_ _yells at him with burning anger. The same voice that cries at him with crushing pain._

_The same voice speaking words he cannot understand._

He wants to ask him many things but he can't because the boy is suffering.

_He can see it, he can feel it deep in his very soul._

_He, who ignores everything, is sure of one thing: the boy must not suffer anymore._

Putting his needs aside seems natural.

Even though the pale young man muttered 'brother' before disappearing.

Even though when he does he feels like a part of his soul has been ripped away from him.

Even though that feeling is not new.

* * *

The people crowding the Hokage's office are positioned in a spiral-like shape, with its emanating point as Uchiha Itachi, while everyone else –shinobi, Tsunade, Kakashi, Shizune, Anbu officials –getting progressively away as they revolve around him.

Farthest of them all is Sasuke, the only one who changed the elder's countenance.

He has been patiently standing there for quite a long time, unfazed despite being surrounded by inquiring looks and being questioned about things he doesn't understand, until when the door opens and the boy appears.

Then he turns his gaze towards him. He's not hiding a mix of curiosity and uncertainty.

_Sasuke has never seen his brother showing such emotions, a mixture of curiosity, anticipation and uncertainty; he's not even sure he is seeing them right._

_Maybe it's just wishful thinking, maybe he is projecting his own emotions, and this is bad because he must think straight. He must be rational and detached if he wants to protect his brother and his family._

_Even if it's his fault if Konoha got Itachi, who looks puzzled because he doesn't understand the mess he is into._

_A mess once again caused by Sasuke._

* * *

One of the guards repeats what they already declared.

The stranger showed up at the gates without the obligatory authorization, a scroll that shinobi from other villages are given by their Kage, while civilians by their local authority.

It's rare for them to come to a shinobi village anyway.

Most civilians don't even know where Konoha is; it's called Hidden Village In The Leaves for a reason.

They questioned him about how he found the village and he replied:

"The crows showed me the way."

_The crows were there when he was born from the grave._

_The crows were always there for him._

His cryptic words sparkled a suspicion, even moreso his looks, once he took off the hood of the cloak he was wearing, revealing his face.

_Wasn't he dead? Was that a clone? Could a clone have the same deadly abilities as the original?_

The two chuunin promptly jumped out of the guard post and got ready to fight, averting their gaze from the man's eyes and hand and only focusing on his feet.

_The shinobi lowers his voice, casting a nervous sideways glance at Sasuke, for old mindsets are hard to destroy._

_The boy has no interest in them: he doesn't even see them. He sees only one._

To their surprise the stranger didn't attempt to fight back.

_Nor did he cower or try to escape. He simply wasn't afraid._

He didn't even complain when they took him into custody.

All he did was ask if they knew him.

* * *

"What are you doing here?"

Sasuke didn't mean to sound so aggressive. Not against _him_ , whose presence illuminates the room, brighter than the sun filtering from the window.

He means to attack the flicker of hope suggesting _that his brother came all the way from Takigakure to Konoha for him_ , implying that maybe…

_No maybes: Itachi's new life is not meant for him to meddle with._

_He has been granted with a new existence, free the burden of a lifetime spent protecting him from afar._

He doesn't allow that hope to set his heart on fire, cutting it _–and the heart that carries it–_ off with his blunt question.

"I wanted to see you again."

Itachi's earnest reply is astounding for Kakashi and one of the guards, who remember the formal, impassive shinobi from his Anbu days, and the cold-blooded killer he impersonated until he died.

_Besides Sasuke, the only ones who witnessed the real him were Naruto and Killer Bee._

_They described a man with a brilliant mind, a deep insight on the human heart and an unexpected dry humor. An excellent fighter and an inspiring leader who would do anything to protect his comrades and for whom his comrades would walk on fire._

_As Edo Tensei he didn't have to obey to anyone, he didn't need to pretend anymore._

_Nevertheless he was a dead man, whose only purpose was to stop the Reanimation Jutsu before returning to the peaceful nothing he came from._

_He wouldn't allow himself to want something. He wouldn't allow himself to even think of seeing Sasuke._

_When it happened, he kept the boy at a distance on purpose. He didn't even look him in the eyes._

_Until he did, pouring everything he felt for his brother in his last words, in his last affectionate gesture._

Everyone freezes when he bypasses the guards with silent, graceful steps, to reach Sasuke.

_Everyone thinks that he is the same lethal weapon who became Anbu captain at 13 and wiped out his entire clan._

_They need to remind themselves that he is also the one who stopped the Edo Tensei, even redeeming Kabuto who cast it._

It's hard, for Sasuke, to keep his emotions under control and speak with a low, firm tone that is appropriate for a shinobi, an Uchiha, the brother of a hero.

_It's hard, so hard to keep that mask on, for he is not perfect like his brother, but no matter how close Itachi is standing, he has to keep his distance._

_No matter how intensely he is staring at him, he can't break his resolve._

_No matter what Itachi says, he has to set him free._

"Is your family doing well?"

Itachi seems confused by the boy's polite yet cold inquiry.

_He came all the way from Takigakure only to see the pale slender boy with the stormy eyes, whose voice talked to him, whose words he couldn't understand._

His lips are slightly parted as he tilts his head.

"They are well. But they are not my family…"

_Sasuke's heart is on fire again._

With uncharacteristic hesitation _–he always touched him with confidence. Or he didn't touch him at all –_ Itachi brushes Sasuke's arm.

His voice is barely more than a whisper.

"Is your name…Sasuke?"

The younger Uchiha can only nod.

_Too many times he heard his late brother's voice at night._

_Childishly, he used to rise from the bed and search for him, as if they were children playing hide-and-seek again, silencing the awareness that it had been just a dream and the house was empty, before he surrendered to the bitter truth and the shame that came with it._

_Now his brother is alive, standing in front of him, saying his name._

_Is it daytime for real or is he still asleep?_

In the crowded room where everyone is silent, holding their breath, Itachi whispers again:

"Are you my family, Sasuke?"

His words –proof that the bond he has with the boy is stronger than memory, life and death –are more powerful than any jutsu. So much that they steal Sasuke's voice.

His eyes wide open are an eloquent answer.

_His look is that of someone who wandered in the dark for so long that he's not used to the light anymore._

_His look is that of someone whose deepest wish has been granted by a benign god._

_His look is that of someone who found his very reason for living._

_Suddenly all the suffering and anger, all the hopelessness and desperation Sasuke went through seem to him like a price to pay to arrive to this very moment, where he and his brother are alive, facing each other, in the Hokage's office, in a Konoha where Itachi's name is cleared from shame, in a peaceful world._

With the utmost daintiness Itachi comes closer, hugging him softly and slowly, as if he were afraid of breaking the one whose incorporeal substance came to his soul even before he came to him in flesh and bones.

Sasuke can't help but tense at first, for he spent the last days ordering himself to let his brother go, but now said brother is hugging him like he only did when they were children, and his arms are strong and his scent is familiar and his chest is warm and his heart is beating at the same rhythm as his own and without even realizing he is melting in the elder's arms, eyes closed shut as if he were afraid of waking up from a dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoyed writing this chapter very much. Itachi's "non-human" impressions were really interesting to describe and so was his "evolution" to the next level, so to speak.
> 
> And of course it's Sasuke who takes him to that next level, even if he doesn't know him yet.
> 
> Even though, from a different perspective that has nothing to do with this fic, I'd say that being one with nature is definitely not a lower level of existence.


	5. Chapter 5

> _Carefully watched for a reason,_  
>  _Painstaking devotion and love._
> 
> _(Joy Division, Isolation)_

* * *

All the extra missions Sasuke took in the previous months grant him a deserved break.

At least theoretically, because he is called back to work much earlier.

It's not Tsunade's fault; she was happy to give him time to spend with his brother, but since the end of the war the Shinobi Alliance declared that chuunin and jounin from other countries could be hired even from former enemies. Requiring their services has become a display of status and power, especially Konoha shinobi in particular, prized for their ability but also for their civilized and modern mentality, as opposed to the old-fashioned Iwa and the still creepy Kiri.

The result of those longer transfer missions is a shortage of shinobi in the Fire Country.

Still on probation and banned from most countries, Team Taka is a valuable resource to count on; so is Sasuke.

He accepts to get back to work but he reminds the Hokage that he was due to return much later.

The Hokage gruffly rebukes that can't rest either, sending him away before he voices a comeback, eyeing the pile of neglected paperwork and the not-so-hidden sake bottle in the corner.

She will tell him that he will have a few more days off after every mission, to make up for the trouble.

Eventually. For now she has too much fun playing with him.

_Finally he's reacting like someone who is alive._

_Sasuke used to work non-stop because he didn't want to return to an empty house._

_Now that house is not empty anymore._

_Now that house is a home, with a neat garden and cozy rooms, with the smell of cooked meals and clean laundry._

* * *

The first night they spent together was almost sleepless.

The day after, when Sasuke took Itachi for his examination, he had dark circles under his eyes.

It was impossible to eat or rest or spend time in an ordinary way.

Itachi was alive. Itachi was back.

Everything was new for him.

He didn't slow Sasuke down as they walked home but the younger could tell that he was taking the environment in, trying to remember.

_A useless task, for he had been away for too long and the village had been rebuilt._

Sasuke did slow down, then. They were not in a hurry.

Itachi was alive. Itachi was back.

He had to savor every moment of this miracle.

_It was impossible to know what was going to happen after._

They spent a long time in the unkempt garden, where Shiro used to dig holes. The puppy liked Itachi since the moment he knelt and let him smell his hands before touching him.

Sasuke showed him around the house, explaining that it was similar, but smaller, to the one where they grew up.

_Besides the dog and his ball the house was almost empty._

_There were no pictures and no personal objects but a few ninja tools. It lacked the warmth Itachi saw in the place where he lived before._

_There were almost no traces of Sasuke living there, let alone someone else._

Itachi asked about their parents. Sasuke replied that they were dead.

He wasn't sad for them; he didn't remember them at all.

The sadness he felt was for Sasuke, who added a matter-of-fact "It's alright. They died a long time ago", as to state he could take care of himself, before he disappeared, only to come back with an extra pillow and a change of clothes.

_The house was empty for a reason._

_It was filled with loneliness._

* * *

Itachi takes care of everything: he asks him about his day, the mission his comrades, listening attentively to Sasuke's words, shaking his head with a smile, or gently reprimanding him when his comments on things or people are too sarcastic or dismissing.

_He likes Sasuke's sincerity, even when it's offensive._

_His mouth is rude but his heart is not._

They don't go out often.

_Sasuke has everything he ever wanted right there. There's a whole universe inside his house._

_Besides, he doesn't trust everyone to behave like they should._

Itachi knows he is always followed. He can always sense there is at least one Anbu around him.

_Is it for his safety or…_

_It doesn't matter anyway._

_This is Sasuke's village. This is Sasuke's life._

_Only Sasuke matters._

Sasuke likes to show him around or come along for groceries and errands, even when he's tired.

His persistence reminds Itachi of a child refusing to go to sleep because his big brother is still awake.

_He is sure the boy did that many times, even if he can't remember it yet._

Not that he minds. He wants to spend time with him too.

_He doesn't want to see the worry in his eyes for such menial thing as going out alone._

* * *

That day they sat next to each other and talked.

_Sasuke wanted to know everything about his life so far, asking questions as his tale proceeded, just like a child when he's told a fairy tale._

_Just like a child when he's caught red-handed he shut up and tensed at certain inquiries._

_Itachi pretended not to notice._

The two of them never had such a lengthy conversation with anyone; they were so lost in it _–in each other –_ that when they were ready for lunch it was almost dinner time.

Itachi offered to help Sasuke in the kitchen.

There weren't many ingredients available. They cooked a simple Takigakure dish that the elder had often eaten. They ate then washed the dishes together.

Sasuke never stopped eyeing him, with a look that was happy and fragile at the same time.

As if the boy wasn't addressing a brother but an important guest, or an idol.

His look spoke of admiration and happiness and something more.

_Fear._

_That he would disappear again?_

_That he would hurt him again?_

_That fear crept through the boy's eyes when he asked certain questions, so he stopped._

_The boy must not suffer._

_A voice in his head had said it even when he didn't know who the boy even was._

_The boy was more important that his curiosity._

_He didn't want to see that fear in the boy's look._

_He wondered if he'd be able to stop the storm from raging in those black eyes._

* * *

Itachi has little time alone.

The few times he isn't on mission with Sasuke, Kakashi visits him.

He is Sasuke's guardian but he seems to extend his role to Itachi as well.

He lends him his favorite book; Itachi returns it saying he didn't read past the first chapter. He doesn't know if he was ever interested in this sort of literature but he is not, now, he says without malice.

_What was he interested in?_

_Sasuke said he loved reading. He said he was a genius. That must be why Kakashi brings more books. Different books, about the history of Konoha and the other countries, about chakra and its mastery, about the main clans and their abilities._

_He doesn't bring anything about the Uchiha clan. He is ready to answer all his questions about them anyway._

Sometimes he brings Yamato along. And sake.

Shiro sniffs their legs and hands then he slips through the hole in the garden wall and goes to their neighbor Aki's place.

_Maybe he fears Kakashi will take him back and make him fit into a pack he doesn't belong to._

_He belongs here. This is his pack now._

_The boy who took him in without a word, the lady who feeds him with delicious food, the man who smells like life and death and magic._

Aki loves the little dog. She also loves Sasuke.

His bad temper is not a deterrent for an old lady like her. He is a good boy.

He needed someone in his life, she told Itachi.

She needs someone too, so Itachi keeps her company from time to time.

He takes her out for a walk once. Discreetly, he points at an old lady sitting alone on a bench, feeding the birds.

_There are sparrows, pigeons and crows. When Itachi approaches they don't fly away, especially the crows. They stare at him as if they are waiting._

That woman lives nearby too. Feeding the birds makes her feel useful.

Itachi knows she is alone by the way she looks at people passing by.

She woke up in a Konoha hospital where she was told that her husband and everyone she knew was dead along with her village. She asked about her sons and she was given what was left of them.

Two headbands.

The symbol engraved on them was different but the grief that plagued the two women was the same, but finally they would have each other to share it with.

* * *

Itachi's physical conditions are fine, his eyes are healthy too; his latent chakra pattern suggests that his Mangekyou Sharingan would be Eternal.

_Not that Sasuke wants him to activate it again._

Itachi's mental state has been examined too, by a Yamanaka elder, under Ibiki's watchful eye.

He isn't lying about his memory loss.

Tsunade had no doubt about it anyway.

According to the Council guidelines she should have examined him before letting him out in the village, but she didn't want to separate the brothers again.

The Hokage feels a quite unsettling maternal instinct towards them.

_She once told Dan that she was not fit to be a mother; not after her brother Nawaki died._

She wanted to protect Sasuke since she was told the truth about the Uchiha massacre.

The boy was left all alone, under the weight of a horrible lie that scarred him for life.

She always hated Danzo and the elders, but she didn't expect Hiruzen, whom she considered a wise man, to allow such a vile act. Getting old and too tired to be in charge of the village was not an excuse for letting Danzo take control.

She got angry at herself for having been too sad about her losses to care about Konoha. She should have stayed and carried on Dan's ideals. She should have stopped that madness.

It made her happy that Sasuke of all people received such a miracle.

_He deserved it much more than her._

It made her happy and proud _–of him, who trusted her, an authority in the place that he most hated. Of herself, who won his trust –_ when he asked for her advice.

* * *

Despite Tsunade's reassurance Sasuke is concerned about his brother's skin being too pale for someone who spent all that time in the open.

_It's as pale as when they fought. As pale as when Itachi let Sasuke kill him._

She repeats it over and over: Itachi is not sick. According to the old Anbu files his stamina has always been lower than average.

_Beside his stats there is a picture of him. He was just a child back then, but he already knew so much, Sasuke thinks, casting a glance at the file._

When he insists asking her to check again she explains that according to other countries' reports, everyone looks exactly like when they died.

When he insists to do it better, as if she wasn't the best medic of this era, she loses the little ounce of patience she has left. Half jokingly, half threatening, she points out that Sasuke himself is even paler than him, and he looks sick as well. Maybe he needs an examination too; before he can say anything more, she yells at him to shut up and leave for good.

* * *

Behind closed doors, while Itachi's blood and chakra were being examined, the current Hokage and the future Hokage Kakashi Hatake listened to Sasuke saying that didn't want to make his brother suffer anymore. That the truth would make him suffer.

He quoted Tsunade who had said that there was no way to predict how long his amnesia would last.

Lowering his eyes, he muttered he hoped it would last forever but he knew it could come back at any moment.

"Why can't he just _live_?"

_As long as possible, without a burden he carried on his shoulders for too long._

He asked, with a determined look that betrayed his pain. He was discussing like a reasonable adult but what the Hokage saw was the broken child.

The only thing that stood between Itachi and happiness was the truth.

It was almost ironical for someone who hated lies like Sasuke, for lies had destroyed his life, but now it wasn't about him. It was about his brother.

_His brother could start all over._

_They could start all over._

It was Sasuke's turn to protect Itachi.

_This was to protect Itachi, not to protect himself._

_Not himself?_

* * *

It's unexpectedly easy to start a new life without the guilt and sorrow that afflicted Itachi, without the anger and despair that haunted Sasuke.

The young Uchiha is not sacrificing himself for the elder. He is happy to forget the past.

* * *

"Were we not close?"

Itachi asked.

The moon was high in the night sky. People were normally asleep at that time, just like Shiro, curled up at Sasuke's feet.

_How could Sasuke reply to his question? What did close even mean?_

_Could the word close encompass the dedication Sasuke had for his brother, chasing after him, then trying to avenge him, then trying to live like him?_

_Was it enough for the loss and despair and longing Sasuke had felt towards him?_

_In good and in bad his brother had always been his one and only thought, but he couldn't explain him all this, because Itachi had come back into the world with a pure unknowing soul and thus he should remain._

_It was Sasuke's turn to protect him._

"We…you have been away for a long time."

_An acceptable answer. Vague enough to mean anything._

_Itachi would do the same –Itachi did the same –in his position._

"Did I leave you all alone?"

Was it guilt the emotion that darkened his brother's look?

"It wasn't your fault!" Sasuke almost cried out, before evening his tone, "Nothing was your fault, brother".

Itachi didn't want the boy to suffer so he put his questions aside.

_The boy must not suffer._

_Sasuke must not suffer anymore._

He didn't let it slide and change subject, though.

"I am sorry I wasn't there for you, Sasuke."

_Sasuke seemed surprised. Had he never heard those words from him?_

_He looked happy. Then he looked afraid._

_The storm was still raging in his eyes._

He said, affectionately squeezing the boy's knee, "I'm sure I missed you immensely".

Sasuke's eyes widened, even moreso because Itachi wasn't done talking.

"I can feel it in my body, how badly I missed you."

_I missed you even when I didn't know who you were._

_I missed you even when I didn't know I was a human being and not leaf in the ground of a star in the sky. That's why I kept moving._

Touched, moved, emotional, no words were enough to describe Sasuke's feelings after hearing by Itachi's heartfelt speech.

_He had hoped to hear it since he had woken up in a hospital room, silently praying that everything was just a nightmare. He had secretly hoped to hear them even when he called himself an avenger and his only desire was to kill the one who had destroyed his clan and his future._

The man beside him was undoubtedly his brother. His thin straight nose, his noble profile, his long silky hair whose shade was warmer than his own, his graceful figure, they all belonged to Itachi Uchiha.

Yet he was also a new person, someone who hadn't been weighed down by clan's issues and elders' machinations, someone who hadn't witnessed a war during his childhood and hadn't wiped his clan out to prevent another, someone who hadn't sacrificed himself so that his brother would be safe.

This new person could talk to him directly, not through riddles and illusions.

_This new person could be a part of his life, not put distance between them._

Itachi's tone was low and calm. He was smiling.

"There are many things I ignore. Sasuke, would you teach me everything you know?"

_Everything you want to teach me, his eyes added._

Sasuke wasn't good at explaining things; he was good at doing them.

He wasn't good at explaining his feelings; he was good at showing them.

"I have a lot of things to tell you, niisan."

He smiled back, proud for the role reversal.

Thus they started talking again, and without even realizing he rested his head on Itachi's lap, like he used to do as a child, every time his brother came home from a mission.

As Itachi caressed his hair gently, motherly, he swore that he would not let anyone hurt him again, and he prayed that his memories –his greatest cause of pain –would never come back.

* * *

The day after, while Itachi was in the examination room, the Yamanaka elder isolated his mind and Ino, the one with the current best long-range communication ability, broadcasted Tsunade's announcement for every Konoha shinobi.

"An unexpected twist of fate, namely the unknown powers of Juubi's chakra, brought Itachi Uchiha back. He has no memory of the past and it's impossible to predict how long his amnesia will last."

"Itachi Uchiha is a hero who protected this village. We are all in debt towards him. Now it's our turn to protect him."

"I hereby forbid to not disclosing details of the Uchiha clan massacre, as it would be stressing for his mind and it would shed a negative light on Konoha, now that we finally overcame the barbaric actions our past rulers enforced."

It was Kakashi who suggested the last part.

He said it was easier to call hero a name on a grave than a real person. Unless it's an order. They are shinobi, after all. They are wired to follow the Hokage's commands.

Besides, the _official_ version they were receiving was not false.

Sasuke had been extremely accurate with the timeline. It was way past dawn when he was over putting it together.

"Itachi Uchiha was a prodigy. Because of that he was chosen for a highly classified mission that required him to cut all his bonds with everyone, family included, and leave the village at 13 to infiltrate the Akatsuki."

Therefore he could not be close to Sasuke.

"He became a missing nin and a criminal but he was leaking intel about the terrorists and secretly sabotaging their plans. He died in the line of duty. His work was crucial, so much that only after his death Akatsuki attacked Konoha."

Therefore the rebuilding.

"Soon after he left the Uchiha clan was wiped out by Obito Uchiha, who made everyone believe he was Madara, who orchestrated everything we already know too well."

Therefore Sasuke grew up alone.

Once again his heart ached only for his brother, who had to suffer alone.

He didn't feel anything when he was told about a clan he didn't remember, or an enemy he couldn't fathom. It was as if they were talking about someone else.

He knew it was him though, because entering the village he had felt some sort of heaviness, an almost physical pain, as if that place was connected to suffering.

He knew it was him because Sasuke's eyes were telling him so.

He had no reason to doubt it then.

He had no reason to know that Sasuke almost believed that version as well.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this story Konoha is not perfect (things will happen) but it is trying to change. Tsunade is working towards this goal. She feels responsible for having been away instead of doing something. She could have become Hokage earlier if she stayed. She hates Danzo in canon and I think she would have never let the massacre happen. As Virginia Woolf said, if there were more women in positions of power, there would be less war.
> 
> There aren't enough Tsunade/Sasuke interactions and I think they would be hilarious. And cute.
> 
> I know that Sasuke didn't kill Itachi, that Itachi was dying from his illness and he prolonged his life so that he could die in front of Sasuke so that Sasuke could have his revenge and he could have his punishment, and also he could give Sasuke a new power but in all my stories my Sasuke will consider himself Itachi's killer, because he blames himself for Itachi's death and for not having been able to see through his lie.
> 
> I'm picky, I don't like most depictions of Itachi in fics, be it the all-knowing and all-powerful hot bad boy or the weak doormat. I see him as a strong man who chose to submit to Konoha because he had no better choice if he wanted to keep Sasuke alive and to make him live in a peaceful world, but also a gentle, caring man. Many like to imagine him with children because he was good with Sasuke. I disagree. I see him better with elderly people instead. Kids are cute, full of life, everyone loves them. Old people are...not so cute, sometimes boring. This is never shown in fiction where they are wise and cute too. Anyway I think he'd prioritize the most needy ones, and the most needy could be elderly people. Of course he would be good with kids because he is good at dealing with people in general. He was good with Sasuke because he loved Sasuke more than anyone. This doesn't mean he'd want to teach them like Iruka, in my opinion. He wouldn't think Iruka's role is less crucial than others, he would believe education is crucial. But he is a protector and a fighter. He would prefer to have his hands dirty with blood so that others wouldn't have to.
> 
> I watched episode 453 last week, and the scene where he shows Fugaku the beauty around them, the respect the Uchiha clan has for their leader, moved me. It had a magic feel to it, like certain beautiful sweet movies, from Miyazaki to Amélie Poulain. I tried to capture the same serendipity-ish vibe in the old ladies part.
> 
> As for my writing, I hope the juxtaposed timelines aren't too confusing. The tenses are different so I don't think they are, but I like confusing so so...
> 
> Speaking of confusing, I bet many readers think the story is taking a certain trope-y direction, towards a particular couple dynamic for this pairing..It is not :)


	6. Chapter 6

> _**"** _ _Confusion sprung up from devotion,_   
>  _A halo that covers my eyes" (New Order, Everything's Gone Green)_

 

Maybe it was because of Princess Tsunade's heartfelt appeal to give back to Itachi the peace he granted them all with his sacrifice; maybe it was because of the Hokage's order to not divulge information that didn't match with the version she allowed, nevertheless everyone has adjusted to his return without complaining.

Not that there are occasions to bring up such a heavy topic. Life goes onward, not backwards, especially when everybody wants to put the past aside and work for a new and better Konoha, thus being an example for a new and better world.

Besides, everyone likes Itachi's modest and polite manners, his innate wisdom and his wit. It's easy to get along with him.

He is open and trusting with Sasuke. He asks him about things and people, gently relying on him for what he ignores as he learns everything again.

He never seems helpless or weak anyway. He never clings to his brother too tight.

_He could do well without him but he feels that Sasuke wants to help him._

_He knows that he wants to be needed._

Sasuke knows that Itachi could figure things out by himself.

He can tell every time the elder's lids lower, the focused expression he assumes as he observes what's beyond the surface.

He knows his brother is more observant than him.

_Sasuke only focuses on what's important to him._

_He only focuses on Itachi._

_He always did._

Everything Itachi says seems important to him. Even the smallest observation, even a simple comment on subjects he never cared about, from the architecture of Konoha buildings to his comrades' lives, coming from Itachi's voice becomes interesting.

_Living alone since childhood he was used to a constant silence, only broken by the sound of his thoughts; notions, procedures to memorize ,daily reminders and various reasonings._

_Sometimes he talked to his brother._

_He didn't do it on purpose. In fact, he was angry at himself and ashamed of his weakness every time he caught himself telling Itachi about his grades or small successes._

_He was supposed to hate Itachi._

_He was supposed to become strong and defeat him._

_Those successes were nothing._

There are many occasions to observe Sasuke's friends. In fact, he complains about their more than frequent unwanted visits, mainly from Team Taka and Team 7.

Karin's bossy attitude hasn't changed. With Itachi she displays good manners, always interrupted by her arguments with Suigetsu, who makes fun of her uncharacteristic politeness.

"Maybe she got tired of chasing after your brother and set all her four eyes on you, Itachi".

Unfazed, the elder Uchiha replies with an innocent joke about how Suigetsu seems to have an obsession with the redhead. It works, for a while, but the urge to tease Karin is too strong.

_Maybe Itachi is right, after all._

Karin complains that Naruto doesn't respect her enough, even though they are relatives.

_They almost live together._

_It started as a joke, after someone said that the two Uzumaki should live like a family._

_Naruto had shrugged it off before anyone could answer, as used as he was to the empty apartment that no one wanted to visit, a part of his past still hurting from time to time._

_One morning he was woken up by a loud knocking at his door; when he opened it Karin, Juugo and Suigetsu stormed in, with bottles and food to celebrate._

_They just moved to the apartment next to his, they announced, examining the blonde's room and communicating that he should move this or that piece of furniture so that they could knock the wall down._

_That arrangement was like them: weird, unstable-looking, but more sensitive than it appeared. Karin already lived with Juugo and Suigetsu. They couldn't live without her, but her cousin couldn't live without her either, she added dramatically, before scolding the blond for the mess and forcing him to clean up because her friend and medic senpai Sakura was arriving._

_He wouldn't want his girlfriend to see a dirty apartment, she said, helping herself with the food._

The blond laughs too much at Suigetsu's jokes instead of defending her.

During their bickering she once compares him to Sasuke who respects Itachi.

She complains that she should have been their relative, not Naruto's.

"You can only be related to him, Karin..."

It's only with a considerable delay that Juugo makes a face.

Both Uzumaki Karin and Naruto forgot that if she were an Uchiha she would be dead.

_Life goes onward, not backwards._

Itachi likes to have them around. They are a lively bunch, he says.

He apologizes for Sasuke when he sends them home too soon. Or tries to, because Naruto is a tough one.

"Oh come on! Let me stay a little more, I don't have a brother!"

"You have Karin. Go to her."

"It's not like Itachi is going to disappear, you idiot!" the blonde complains.

He knows Sasuke's reasons all too well, but Itachi is fine and healthy and nothing is threatening the brothers anymore.

Naruto's gut instinct tells him that everything is going to be fine from now on.

_Sasuke is always on guard._

_He is able to manage his protective instinct fairly well; sometimes though he acts like a jealous child, like he did every time Shisui came to see his big brother and he threw a tantrum to have Itachi all for himself or to be included in their activities._

_There is no need to act that way anymore, he reminds himself, for Itachi is no longer that person._

_No one is taking advantage of his peaceful nature anymore._

_There is no double spying._

_There are no secrets between them._

Sasuke's tells him to be careful, because no one knows what the future will bring.

No one knows what it will take from him.

* * *

 

Their other regular guest is Kakashi, partly because he is Sasuke's team leader and guardian, partly because he is a guardian for Itachi as well, although off the record, partly because he had a bond with both at some point in his life.

The older Uchiha adjusts his already polite manners when he is informed that once the silver haired jounin was his senpai.

It's not an easy task for said jounin to come up with harmless anecdotes about their common past. They were Anbu assassins, not regular shinobi.

Thus his arsenal of stories is mainly about Sasuke's early training and his work with team 7, more often than not exaggerated on purpose so that Sasuke is forced to participate in the conversation.

Rectifying wrongly reminisced events is better than worrying, silently threatening his former sensei.

_As much as he had been cherishing, fearing, honoring his memories, Sasuke hardly thought about the part of his past that wasn't directly connected to his brother._

_He was an avenger. Those people were an obstacle in his quest for the strength he needed in order to defeat Itachi. After he learned the truth they became an offense to everything Itachi worked for._

_Now that his brother was here they were just people, comrades and friends he walked with, along his path._

_He didn't like reminiscing the past but he was fascinated by his brother's. He wanted to know everything about him._

_He was intrigued by Kakashi's stories, from a time when he was too young, naive and ignorant, and Itachi was already an adult -of heart and soul, not of age -who worked, fought, killed, together with his former sensei._

_During those years Itachi's life experience had brought him closer to his senpai than to his little useless brother._

_Sasuke knew that for Kakashi not telling him that he had worked with Itachi was a rational choice. Yet he would have liked to know, despite the anger and hate he felt, despite the worthlessness that overcame him every time he thought about his perfect brother who did everything before him and better than him._

_His perfect brother for whom he wasn't neither worth enough to be killed nor smart enough to be told the truth._

_His perfect brother who always saw through him, even with no memory of him._

_His perfect brother who only needed a simple touch, a familiar gesture to save him from a darkness he didn't remember harboring, bringing light into his soul._

* * *

 

The copy Ninja can't help teasing Sasuke's protective attitude towards Itachi.

"Your brother was promoted Anbu leader at 13, he can handle going for groceries alone"; "Itachi is a grown up, he needs a night out without kids around", he often says.

When Ino broadcasted Tsunade's announcement she couldn't reach those who couldn't use chakra.

Civilians know the truth about his brother because of the solemn celebration held after the war, but nothing more.

Kakashi reminded Sasuke that Konoha is a shinobi village where civilians are a minority. Even among the farmers, construction builders and shop owners there are sons, partners or relatives who became shinobi. Everyone's values are the same.

No one is going to harm Itachi, he'll make sure of it, Kakashi assures.

When the boy reiterates his refusal he calmly states that he can't be afraid of something that might or might not happen.

If Sasuke is going to keep him locked, he adds, he will be the one harming Itachi.

* * *

 

One of Kakashi's distinctive features is his unpredictability in battle.

In all kinds of battles.

Since Itachi is back Sasuke prefers sparring in their garden instead of the training grounds.

_He doesn't want to spend time without Itachi but he doesn't want to take him to the training grounds either. What if he sees him using Chidori and remembers the lightning sword piercing his back, cutting him open from the inside?_

Besides, he likes when his brother sits in the porch, watching his sparring sessions.

At least Naruto takes the fight seriously; Kakashi never stops holding the book, occasionally reading a few lines, even if Sasuke is not the child who couldn't pass the bell test anymore.

Every time the Uchiha is about to strike a winning blow his former sensei gives up the fight with an excuse that despite its inconsistency somehow makes him look like the real winner.

Like during a windy morning, when Itachi had taken the laundry inside before sitting down to watch them.

It was incredible how strong Kakashi could be, blocking Sasuke's attacks and reading at the same time.

_And at the same time casting sideways glances at Itachi, whose eyes seemed to follow their movements, unlike civilians, who weren't able to keep up with them._

"Let's fight dirty like rogues ok?" He said.

The strongest rogue shinobi and bandits used basic ninja skills, their personal techniques and street smart moves, an effective mix that often took by surprise even a seasoned jounin.

Sasuke had no problem with that. He never cared about formalities and so-called gestures of mutual respect like putting the headband on before a fight or introducing themselves to the opponent.

_There was no place for respect in a fight. Winning was the only thing that mattered._

_Sasuke didn't fight fair anyway. As a sharingan user he could copy techniques; as Orochimaru's pupil he had learned forbidden jutsu._

_To hurt Itachi he had used a rigged shuriken that had gone so deep into his leg that his stoic, impassive brother's face hadn't been able to hide a grimace of pain and a surprised look._

_He didn't expect such trick from his honest, direct brother._

_He considered himself the only one who played unfair._

Kakashi threw dirt at Sasuke who avoided it, recoiling backwards.

Followed by Shiro, Itachi was heading inside to continue his activities.

He didn't change pace nor stop when a round rock was thrown at him; he just deflected it with no effort.

He did stop when, without even turning, he blocked Kakashi's closed book, its angle aiming at his head.

"Ah, my bad! Sorry Itachi, I must be getting old to miss Sasuke like that!"

Another peculiar characteristic of his were his blatant lies and unbelievable stories, through which he indirectly and paradoxically told the truth.

"What the hell are you doing?" Sasuke sputtered, but he was completely ignored.

"Would you like to spar with me?"

Kakashi asked the elder as he took the book from his hands.

" _No, he doesn't. He won't do anything remotely connected to his past. He won't spar with you. He won't spar with anyone. He is going to stay with me", Sasuke wanted to reply at his brother's place, but his brother was there and he couldn't let him suspect anything, so he had to be rational and calm._

_He had to protect Itachi._

"Kakashi, he's not…"

"What?" the silver haired jounin interrupted, "He is healthy and he must bored to clean after you while you have all the fun..."

_Was he referring to that specific moment or to Itachi's life since he came back?_

_Or to his whole life since Sasuke was born?_

Itachi recognized the storm in his younger brother's eyes.

_Not as tempestuous as the first time Itachi saw him but violent enough to make him fall silent, retreating deep into his own mind, far, far away even if he was there, willing to listen to each and everything he would share, willing to take all his pain and turmoil upon himself._

It would have been easy to refuse and go back to his chores, but Kakashi was right.

_Even though Kakashi and Itachi's great insight on people set off from different starting points, they both came to the same conclusion._

He wasn't bored. He loved providing for his little brother in any way he could, but he felt that he could do more for him.

When he observed Sasuke sparring he wasn't only proud of his ability, or worried because he could get hurt.

He was interested in his moves -as if he could suggest alternatives, if only he remembered.

He was longing to do the same -if only he remembered how.

"Don't worry, Sasuke".

As they switched places, his warm smile and a gentle touch on the boy's shoulder were enough to calm the storm down.

"I'm sure Kakashi senpai won't be hard on me..." he smirked, accepting the man's challenge.

_Sasuke had never seen his brother smirking._

_It was quite similar to his own, maybe less arrogant, some would say._

_Did he do it when he sparred with Shisui, when he was too young to spent time with them?_

_Did he do it with Kakashi, during his Anbu days?_

Itachi stood motionless, not even on guard, his head slightly tilted to the side, his eyelids lowered, observing.

When Kakashi made the first move his stance and expression changed completely.

His looked detached but determined. He looked like Itachi Uchiha.

_He looked like Itachi Uchiha, trained to fight and kill since he was a little boy._

As in a trance, only relying on muscle memory, he blocked every hit, every attack.

Kakashi increased his speed and changed his techniques but the elder Uchiha kept up with almost no effort.

_The last time Sasuke saw his brother training he was still a child learning basic techniques._

_A child who would stare in complete awe at how perfect Itachi was, hoping that one day he would become like him._

_Now, even after having mastered countless jutsu, even after having won a war, even after having been praised by his Edo Tensei form, he felt enthralled by the elder's perfection once again._

As usual Kakashi called the match off before there could be a winner.

_As usual he won._

_Not against Itachi but against Sasuke, as the purpose of the match was to prove something to him._

When he proposed that Itachi become a shinobi again, the dark intensity of Sasuke's glare made Kakashi almost fear that a sudden Amaterasu release.

"Are you out of your mind?" He blurted.

_Didn't he understand what being a ninja would mean for Itachi ?_

_He would have to kill people._

_He could get hurt._

_He would be in danger, physical or emotional. He would activate his sharingan again._

_The 'eyes that reflect the heart' store everything they ever saw like a perfect record; they would bring his memory back and with it all the pain that he finally forgot._

_Their relationship would change. They wouldn't be able to live the present moment anymore._

_The shadow of the massacre would start anew, bringing guilt and sorrow, fear and anger._

_They would lose everything they had._

_Everything Sasuke wanted._

* * *

 

Sasuke knew that Kakashi was neither inconsiderate nor an idiot.

His mentor thought that a valuable asset like his brother shouldn't be wasted.

He considered the village and its people before his own needs and feelings. Konoha was his reason for living and he would happily die for it.

_Sasuke's whole world was his brother. His brother was his reason for living and a rightful reason for dying._

Itachi listened patiently to Sasuke's objections and the elder's rebuttals.

_He had already been told that he had been a shinobi. That he had worked in the shadows._

_It sounded natural to him, reborn without an identity, wandering without a destination, living without a purpose until he found Sasuke._

_The boy must not suffer, was all he knew back then._

_His identity, his purpose, his very reason for living was Sasuke._

"I would be honored to serve this village like I did in the past."

He declared, looking straight at Kakashi.

_The boy must not suffer was still all he knew._

_Konoha was the village Sasuke lived in. Sasuke was loyal to Konoha so Itachi would be loyal too._

_Besides, what he saw in the village -his friends, his sensei, the Hokage -was good people who cared about Sasuke._

"I would be honored to serve the village that looked after my brother while I couldn't".

_A sudden, bitter pain bit Sasuke at his words. Itachi hadn't been there because of the village._

_Itachi had protected the village even after death._

_Itachi never stopped protecting him, saving him from death, bestowing him power, giving him love._

He gestured the boy to come closer.

"I appreciate your concern for my safety," he said, affectionately stroking his arm,"I feel the same concern for you."

"I can't be your older brother without acting like one. I can't just wait for you here, shielded from everything, safe from dangers you're facing alone. I want to fight beside you."

_He's not just talking about being a shinobi._

He put his hands on his brother's shoulders, letting his warmth flow unto the younger, to calm the storm raging inside him.

"You are strong, Sasuke, but as foolish as it may be my desire is to protect you."

Being acknowledged by the person he admired most was a dream come true.

_Itachi had already complimented his strength but this time was different._

_This time he wasn't pushing back death with every step, every whisper, to be able to give him new power -to be able to see his brother's face as the last image before he died._

_This time he wasn't stopping a war and redeeming an enemy all while protecting him once again, one more time pushing back an only temporarily tricked death, to be able to give him the final truth and the love that came with it._

_This time Itachi wasn't going anywhere._

Overwhelmed by the joy of having his big brother's love and care, Sasuke could only nod.

He couldn't force Itachi to stay at home.

He couldn't keep him locked as a consequence of his childish fear.

He always admired and respected strength.

His older brother was a strong warrior, not a weakling.

Treating him like one meant disrespecting him, not protecting him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sasuke is possessive of Itachi, this is obvious. But in a scenario where Itachi is respected and nothing bad is happening I think he would be able to tone it down. He respects strenght and he respects his brother, whom he considers the strongest person ever. He wouldn't treat him like a weak person, because it would mean disrespecting him. I can see it clearly when I think about the fight against Kabuto. He gets furious when Kabuto disrespects Itachi, he worries every time Itachi gets hit, he protects him, but he always considers him as the strongest, and he never tries to "disobey" to his "orders", as he knows Itachi is stronger, more knowledgeable and more experienced, so it's natural for him to work under Itachi's lead. It's like he always waited for it. 
> 
> So, in my story, he tones his possessive tendence down because he can relax -for now...
> 
> Itachi is strong, a leader, an assertive person whose confidence is calm, not aggressive or imposing. Even without memory this seeps through his behavior. In my story he let Sasuke keep him home as he learned things again, but when he has the chance of doing something, he takes it. Especially because doing something means becoming a shinobi, protecting Sasuke.
> 
> He doesn't need to ask for Sasuke's permission, he is the older brother, it's natural for him to make decisions and then explain them to his older brother.
> 
> I like many characters in NAruto, and with this fic I want to do them all justice, highlighting their best characteristics, that got lost with time and retcons. So, Kakashi is not just a blind rule enforcer, he is charming and smart. Naruto is sensitive, despite his boisterous and noisy behavior. KArin and Taka are the same. They are a family. And Karin and Naruto being relatives is important in my opinion, it's a pity that it wasn't developed. 
> 
> As usual, this is my personal interpretation of the characters and my story.


	7. Chapter 7

>  
> 
> " _Look for reflections, in your face  
>  Canine devotion, time can't erase"_
> 
> _(Queens Of The Stone Age, The Lost Art Of Keeping A Secret)_

 

When Sasuke attended the Academy his teachers always talked about Itachi, the best student they ever had.

After the massacre they stopped mentioning him.

After all the younger brother was a top student too, although not enough for them to have the almost ecstatic expression they had when they recalled the elder, the same he has whenever Itachi does something for the first time, in his new life.

He immediately catches up with basic ninja techniques. His muscle memory and his prodigy-like ability is ingrained in every cell of his body, whether he remembers it or not.

As for theoretical notions, Kakashi has been teaching them since he came back, giving him books to read as pastime.

_ Unbeknownst to Sasuke, Kakashi was already sowing the seed of curiosity. _

It is Sasuke who taught Itachi the basics of chakra control.

He was so happy to be able to teach him that he forgot how worried he was that his brother would be a shinobi again.

His childhood dream was coming true. He tells himself that he must not relax and think everything is going to be perfect. Yet he is excited to live and train with his beloved brother who actively seeks him, waiting for him to teach him more, valuing his ability and knowledge.

_ Not even in his dreams he dared imagine something so perfect. _

_ Itachi is with him and nothing else matters, even if his memory could return anytime. _

It is Sasuke who taught Itachi how to control fire, the Uchiha element.

During their childhood the former prodigy had mastered it long before everyone had; their father said it many times, making him feel unworthy because he wasn’t as good.

_ Sasuke doesn't know that Itachi was a prodigy indeed, but he also had been practicing  since he learned to walk. _

_ He had to, there was a war going on. _

_ Smoke at daytime and explosions at nighttime: that was the world Fugaku showed him when he first took him to the battlefield. There wasn’t a safe place for him anymore since the war was too close to Konoha and everyone who could fight had to defend it. _

_ Mikoto had retired when they got married but when the war started she wore the shinobi gear again, leaving Itachi to an old relative, until a surprise attack almost destroyed their hideout. Then Fugaku decided to take his son with him like he intended to since the start. It was pointless to hide him the truth about the world. _

_ Thus training was the only thing the child could do.  _

_ Becoming strong enough to defend himself and his loved ones. _

_ Control himself to control the world around him. _

When Sasuke saw Itachi mastering the jutsu again he realized why his father was so proud of his son.

It only took him the time to observe Sasuke’s hand seals to perform the jutsu at his first try.

He focused his chakra on his chest and blew steadily, with increasing strength. 

The ball of fire was huge and balanced.

It was perfect. Like his brother, who after releasing his first katon turned around and smiled at him, and when the younger praised him _–his voice almost broken. Did their father feel this way too? –_ he minimized his result, praising Sasuke’s teaching ability instead.

“You know, being able to do this meant becoming a real member of the Uchiha clan...” Sasuke said, sitting by the river.

“I trained hard for it, but my only result was a messy fire that burned my mouth from the inside. It hurt...but what hurt the most was not being able to do it right, unlike you.”

Itachi sat beside him.

“Father kept saying how earlier and better you mastered it.”

_ Itachi wanted to ask him why Sasuke didn’t ask him instead, but only someone with no memory could think of such a stupid question, a voice inside him screamed, and he felt guilty because he felt that his brother had suffered and he had done nothing to ease his pain. _

“Eventually I made it and...finally father praised me. He even looked at me like…”

“…almost like he looked at you,” he muttered, remembering his happiest memory of his father.

It was the first time he spoke about it. He would have never said to someone else. 

It was a miracle that he was given Itachi back, to tell him.

“How did I look at you?” Itachi asked.

_ Since he was back Itachi had bursts of random questions.  _

_ Even if he was calm and polite, there were times when despite his self-restraint and his vow to never upset Sasuke with thorny questions, these came out anyway. _

_ It was uncharacteristical for someone like him. Yet it wasn’t for someone with no memory, trying to understand the world around him, trying to understand the one that was his world. _

“I don’t know what you mean,” Sasuke replied.

_ “You didn’t look at me much” is not an acceptable reply. His brother had reasons not to and Sasuke knew it very well. _

_ Itachi couldn’t remember but his heart told him that he had always looked at his brother when he didn’t notice. _

“Did you resent me?”

Sasuke was taken aback by his question, just like that day.

Even their position was similar. Until Itachi moved behind Sasuke, kneeling with his arms encircled around the younger.

_ His warmth made Sasuke feel safe; he reveled in Itachi’s embrace, his eyes closed, feeling like a child again, cradled by the gentle waves below them. _

“Look down, Sasuke.”

Itachi’s voice was calm but firm enough to shake him out of his reverie.

“Look at your reflection, then look at mine.”

_ In the past he had looked at his reflection and seen his brother’s face. He had been so desperate to irrationally dive in the lake, chasing after Itachi’s image. _

_ It was dark and cold down there. The lake had seemed to swallow him, just like Itachi had swallowed everything he had, everything he was, spitting him out, only him, like garbage. _

_ It was dark and cold up there when he came out or the water, almost drowned.  _

_ He didn’t want to die. Not yet. _

_ Not after having killed him. _

“There is a strong resemblance between you and I…”

Itachi brushed the boy’s cheekbones and face, descending to his shoulder.

“But there are differences as well.”

He caressed his spiky hair.

“We are not the same person. We don’t have to be. You are Sasuke. You trained hard to master this technique because you wanted to keep up with the brother you defined a prodigy, but you didn’t realize that in the eyes of your comrades and friends you were a prodigy too.”

Sasuke leaned on the elder’s chest.

“Our father surely knew that. If someone doesn’t express their feelings it doesn’t mean they don’t feel anything. It just means that they don’t know how to do it.”

When Itachi tenderly stroked his cheek saying: “If I were a father I would be happy to have a son like you. I’m sure our father felt the same,” remembering that Fugaku’s last words were words of love and care for him  _ -not disappointment, not indifference-  _ Sasuke fought not to cry.

_ Even with no memory Itachi was right, as always. _

_ Yet he didn’t need to remember. Neither their father’s last words, neither his death, by his very hands. _

* * *

 

The new team Kakashi, informally renamed team Uchiha despite him being the leader, soon becomes one of Konoha’s best assets.

The copy nin's detached reasoning and endless arsenal of techniques and Sasuke’s unpredictability combined with the abilities he acquired with Orochimaru and after, are not their only strengths: Itachi can't use doujutsu but he is not weak at all.

In fact, he is the perfect shinobi. The discipline he has been instilled since his first years has not disappeared. Neither has his strategical ability, impressive even with no memory.

His suggestions come from his smart and extremely observant nature, along with his only consciously forgotten experience. He is particularly good at reading people, uncannily seeing beyond the exterior. Even better than Kakashi, who reads them out of pure logic.

His prowess in close range combat qualifies him as the close range specialist of the team.

Being initially supposed to rely on it -before they realized how easy it was for him to use chakra - Sasuke considered asking Rock Lee or Maito Gai for help, but on second thought he dismissed the idea.

He didn't want such noisy people around.

He didn't want too many people around his brother, spending time with him, teaching him things that he could teach him as well. His sharingan had memorized their techniques anyway.

For the same reason Sasuke doesn’t tell Itachi that he also has an affinity with water.

Kakashi copied enough techniques for that element, they don't need new skills for now.

With time he'll have Suigetsu train him. In the meantime, Sasuke will teach him everything he knows.

He loves doing it. He becomes familiar with the mixture of pride for his accomplishments and longing because he's such a fast learner that he'll soon no longer need him.

Like the first time Itachi disappears in a flock of crows.

He just learned substitution jutsu but he decided to crows instead because there were a few perched on the nearby trees.

When Sasuke explained that he used to do that in the past, he smiled, saying that it made sense because the crows took care of him while he wasn’t able to do it himself.

_ The crows guided him towards saving the baby. _

_ The crows guided him towards Konoha. _

_ The crows guided him towards his humanity. Towards himself. _

_ Towards Sasuke, who can’t stop fearing that he will disappear, abandoning him again. _

_ He never says it out loud but the screams in his mind are so loud that Itachi hears them; so he keeps him close, asking him explanations, doing anything to make his brother feel useful, valued, loved. _

The young Uchiha works hard because despite being his temporary teacher he still needs his acknowledgment. Even though the elder expresses it now more than he ever did, he works hard not to lose his admiration.

_ Itachi is strong, fast, smart, deadly. _

_ Itachi is perfect. _

_ Every time they spar Sasuke is amazed. _

_ He prides himself to be stronger than most. His movements are fast and precise, his attitude provocative, his posture intimidating. He likes to appear more confident than he really is, because despite knowing the truth, despite having trained harder than anyone, deep inside he can't forget that he's no longer the weak child that wasn't worth killing. _

_ Itachi doesn't need to show confidence, he doesn't need to intimidate. _

_ He is confident yet calm. He is intimidating yet his posture is not threatening. _

_ He moves as fast and precisely as him, but more gracefully. _

_ He doesn’t flaunt his strength. Everything he does, from fighting to throwing multiple kunai, is fluid and natural as breathing. _

Like Sasuke, Itachi too is only allowed on missions within the Land of Fire.

Both brothers cannot work without Kakashi's supervision, as the copy nin is the only other sharingan user.

Especially the older Uchiha, the Council having decided that he is an even bigger, albeit latent threat.

The rare times that other teams need Sasuke’s eyes they split up and the boy is supervised by Kurenai while Yamato replaces him.

No matter how high is their success rate, he is still on probation and Itachi’s position is uncertain. 

Not for Konoha, but the Council is wary of the Uchiha brothers.

They don’t approve of Itachi being appointed shinobi again.

In spite of disclosing the truth, in spite of having his name cleared, some of them still considered him a mass murderer and a terrorist.

Old people are hard to change. Especially Oonoki. They shouldn't trust a member of Akatsuki, he said. Even if their countries had required their services on more than one occasion, Tsunade never forgot to mention.

When Konoha elders Koharu and Homura were exiled for the Uchiha massacre, they sought asylum in the Land of Earth, where they rubbed off on the local Daimyo their hostility towards the brothers and Tsunade, described as a weak ruler who wanted to change what had worked for generations.

Their arguments made sense for the Daimyo, an old man just like the Tsuchikage, who had been touched by Gaara’s words during the war, even considering them, but once he was back in his office he had returned to his old habits.

The Raikage was not against change in itself: he was against Uchiha Sasuke thus he didn’t trust Itachi.

According to him it was an understatement to define the older Uchiha a bad influence for the younger.

Sasuke was insane and it was his brother's fault. He had spent years under Orochimaru, he had recruited a team of unstable juvenile delinquents, all experiments subjects like him. He had kidnapped and tried to kill his brother Killer B and they all remembered what he had done during their meeting. Or maybe they forgot; after all, unlike him, they didn't lose an arm back then.

Sasuke had gone on a rampage on Itachi's name more than once. Now that they were together who knew what they might come up with.

He held Tsunade in high esteem and he trusted her judgment. If she assured that Itachi was trustworthy he believed her word and her good faith. Yet, he didn't trust him, just like he didn't trust his brother. Just like he had never trusted every other Uchiha he had encountered in the past. To him they were all a bunch of egotistical megalomaniacs.

The Mizukage didn't have anything against the two brothers, but her attention was more focused on the changes she had to operate in her country.

It was consistent with their former isolationist policy: her own people came first, she always said.

Her first duty was towards them, after years of injustice and violence both against outsiders and their own shinobi. The spectre of the Bloody Mist, their Anbu trained to kill each other as their final test, was too visible. The old rulers had died but the victims' relatives wanted someone to pay for those crimes, even though there was no one left.

Her predecessors would have held a symbolic trial with the execution of random scapegoats.

She didn't want to start a new era by using a cruel old method, so she was trying to ease her people, giving honors and benefits to the victims' relatives, shifting everyone's attention to the positive future she was building with them, instead of their terrible past, but it was a slow process, full of false steps and relapses.

To her the two Uchiha were just one more problem she didn’t need.

The Council included the Samurai Land too, since they took part in the war like everyone else. They never spoke much and they always supported the strongest party.

Therefore, there were only Tsunade, the promoter of change, and Gaara, the champion of second chances, to defend the brothers.

The Senju Princess support wasn't just made of heartfelt speeches and heated defenses against those who spoke ill about her protegés. She regularly sent reports about Itachi’s physical and mental health, his and Sasuke's missions and all sorts of information that could change their minds or at least keep them quiet.

She promised that she would ensure them safety and justice.

She promised to them both, to herself and to her beloved Dan.

He would be proud of her, she told him once, sitting by his grave, a jug of sake and two glasses in front of her.

The Alliance was a good mean to achieve peace and transparency through the discussion of every important matter together, so that there won't be Uchiha massacres or Roots or Bloody Mists anymore.

Yet it was frustrating to deal with its members. Too often she had to restrain herself from flipping the table and those obtuse old men all at once.

Nevertheless there was no choice but to play by the rules of the Council  that Gaara and her strongly promoted.

There was a lot to do, if they wanted to change the world for real.

* * *

 

It's easy to fall into a routine, even more so when it's made of heartwarming habits.

Even more so for Sasuke, who got used to everything.

He got used to ignore people suddenly shutting up as the Uchiha survivor passed by.

He got used to hide his pain and live as normally as he could so that he wouldn't be pitied.

He got used to conceal his loneliness because a real Uchiha wouldn't seek comfort, only strength to obtain revenge.

_ Besides, he lost the one he would have sought comfort from. _

_ He lost him twice. _

He got used to wake up and go to sleep in a lonely apartment that didn’t feel like home; to the dim candlelight in Orochimaru's hideouts, to be exposed to elements while traveling with Taka.

_ He didn't feel the cold or the rain. He only focused on his goal. _

When he returned he got used once again to a house, duties, comrades.

_ A part of him wasn’t even there: it was still in that cave where he had fought beside Itachi. _

_ It was still looking up, towards the light where his brother had dissolved, even though it had faded long since. _

He got used to take care of a dog. He was good with animals: pets, shinobi or summon animals, relating to them was easy for him.

_ They were able to sense his feelings without him having to talk. _

_ There was no need for verbose explanation with them; all they needed were clear, simple gestures. _

When Sasuke is away Shiro spends most of the time at Aki's house, only to rush back when the Uchiha calls him. Sometimes, when he sleeps in his favourite spot, he opens one eye in perfect timing with the door, and it’s Sasuke who reaches out for him, petting his head and muttering that dogs are supposed to greet humans, not the other way round.

Not that he minds: Shiro is not his subordinate. He’s his friend.

_ Friends understand when their friends are sad and need time alone because they’re missing the family they’ve lost. _

_ Sasuke understands Shiro. He is alone just like him. _

Now Itachi is back and his house is a home again. 

Everything is new and familiar at the same time, just like his brother.

Before the elder was employed as a shinobi again, he did all the chores and cooked. 

When Sasuke came home he always welcomed him in, Shiro coming along, wagging his tail.

_ That's how it feels to have a home; even Shiro sensed it. _

Since he too started working they cook and clean together, each one trying to ease the other’s tasks.

Now that they’re together everything is a pretext to be together and talk or just stay, content, silently enjoying the other’s company.

* * *

 

Returning from a mission they met Naruto's team in the Hokage's office.

When they proposed to go out for dinner Itachi declined, saying he was tired, urging Sasuke to go.

_ He wanted Sasuke to spend some time with his friends without him around. _

_ He didn't want to prevent his brother to have a life of his own. _

Sasuke accepted but when Team 10 tagged along and Chouji started bickering with Naruto about where to eat, he got bored and decided to go home.

He didn't feel like eating ramen and he didn't eat yakiniku anyway.

_ He wanted to have dinner with Itachi. He wanted to spent time with Itachi. _

He doesn’t expect to open the door and find no one welcoming him.

He spots Shiro's head peeking from the hole in the garden wall, before returning to Aki's place.

He takes off his shoes and puts them beside Itachi's.

Upstairs, the bathroom light is on and the water is running.

Inside, Itachi is standing in front of the mirror, naked.

_ Other than a vague shadow, before Sasuke found him he didn’t know how he looked like, as the farmers' only mirror got broken during the accident. _

He's so concentrated on staring at his own image that only when his brother's reflection appears on the glass surface he acknowledges his presence.

“Sasuke? Are you alright? Did something happen?”

He asks, quickly shoving his musings aside to tend to his brother.

_ Nothing is more important than Sasuke. _

_ The boy must not suffer, the voice inside him said. _

“Don't worry,” Sasuke reassures him just as quickly, “Those idiots in Team 10 tagged along and everyone was making a fuss for the place to eat. I got bored and headed home, that's all.”

Relieved, Itachi wraps a towel around his waist.

“In this case, welcome home, Sasuke. There's plenty of food in the kitchen.”

_ Sasuke's affection for him is similar to the one animals and children feel. They constantly want to be around the one they love, never having enough, never getting tired of them, never in need of alone time. _

_ What an endearing creature, Itachi thinks, feeling slightly guilty because even if he can't remember he knows that his brother has lived without him for too long. _

_ So long that while his friends seek one another, he only seeks him. _

“You can take a bath first,” he says, pointing his finger at the bath tub.

“What about you?” Sasuke asks.

“I'll take it later” he replies.

Sasuke undresses and starts washing himself. Itachi asks the details of the argument and the younger obliges.

_ This is what it feels to have a home. _

When he enters the tub he notices that Itachi is standing in front of the mirror again.

“Did I have scars, Sasuke?” the elder asks,“I have always been a shinobi but I don’t have any...”

_ His body was pristine, except for the spiraling tattoo on his upper arm. _

_ Nothing that could trigger any memory, he thinks. _

_ Even though the tattoo alone, with all it represents, would be enough of a trigger. _

The young Uchiha is taken aback by the question.

There were times, when Itachi was already an Anbu, that he came home bloodied and bruised, but the blood was almost never his.

One time in particular, Sasuke remembers having barged into the bathroom. Itachi was hunched in front of the mirror, holding a little jar of salve. He had no shirt on; his back was blue and red, full of cuts and bruises.

His right eye was swollen and so his upper lip.

Seeing his big brother's pretty face so marred, Sasuke felt terrible. Instinctively he rushed to hug him.

Only when he hissed, Sasuke realized that he must have hurt his brother.

Itachi ruffled his hair, with a tired smile, when he apologized, asking if he could help him apply the salve.

The child was happy to be useful for his brother, who was happy to focus on something good for a while.

Something worth fighting for.

_ He didn't let Sasuke see him injured again. _

_ The boy didn't have to see his reality; the classified missions, the assassinations in cold blood, the beatings and tortures they were subjected to, if caught by their enemies. _

_ Just like that day, when he managed to escape, unlike one of his comrades, left behind because he was too wounded to make it. _

Sasuke ignores what kind of training his brother did under the man who called himself Uchiha Madara, or what kind of battles he fought in Akatsuki.

What he knows, he doesn't want to say.

“ _ Your right arm should have burn scars after being hit by my katon. Your whole body should have electric burns from my Kirin. Your left thigh should have a large scar because of my giant shuriken. When I stabbed your chest and abdomen it only was a genjutsu instead...”. _

_ Sasuke is glad that Itachi came back with no scars because he feels less guilty of having hurt his brother during their fight, without seeing the truth. _

_ He almost wishes that the Anbu tattoo on the elder's arm, a reminder of his Anbu days, a reminder of the massacre he was forced to perpetrate, was gone too. _

_ Itachi sees the storm in his brother's eyes and internally curses his need to understand, to know things. _

_ Nothing is more important than Sasuke, he repeats to himself again. _

_ The boy must not suffer: this is the only thing he needs to know. _

“Never mind, Sasuke,” he says, reaching for a yukata, “Stay as long as you like. I'll go make dinner.”

Sasuke is not sure about the reason why he asked Itachi to stay and bathe with him.

Maybe it's the way his brother minimized his question despite having been so absorbed, trying to squeeze an answer out of his mirror image.

Maybe it's because this was supposed to be his brother's relaxing moment.

Maybe it's because chatting in the bathroom with his brother triggered other childhood memories, this time happy ones, of the many baths they took together, of how he never wanted to get out of the water, of the time took his dinosaur plush with him and then he got worried because it looked sick, soaked wet as it was.

* * *

 

The water level rises as Itachi joins him.

The bathtub is large; even if they are no longer children they fit comfortably.

Sasuke tells him the episodes he just remembered. Itachi smiles, his arms leaning on the external rim, occasionally tilting his head back, only to return on his brother's words.

His look is so focused, so intense that in Sasuke's vision the bathroom's walls blur as if they disappeared and were replaced by trees, as if the ceiling were transformed in a blue sky and they floated in an airy sea of clouds.

“I'm making dinner ok? You stay here...niisan.”

He says, clumsily getting out of the tub, feeling lightheaded and confused, as if he were under a spell.

A spell caused by Itachi's beauty.

_ Sasuke never cared about such things. Faces and bodies were irrelevant for an avenger. _

_ Only strength mattered. _

_ He had been told he was attractive but to him it meant nothing. _

_ When he looked at the mirror he saw his resemblance to his mother. And to Itachi. _

_ He looked a lot like him: same high cheekbones and straight thin nose, same lips, not too plump and not too thin. Same eyes, although his brother's eyelashes were long and almost feminine. _

_ Same facial shape, although his brother's skin tone, just like his hair color, was warmer, more balanced and harmonious, unlike Sasuke, whose skin was paler and whose hair darker. _

_ He just wasn’t as perfect as him. Not in appearance, not in every other thing. _

_ Sasuke didn't like looking at his reflection because he looked like a bad copy of Itachi. _

_ He didn't like looking at his reflection because he saw him. He saw them. _

_ His mother's sweet smile. His brother's penetrating look, that could read every single line of his soul, while he couldn't read anything of his,believing everything Itachi wanted him to believe. _

_ He didn't like looking at his reflection because it reminded him of what he lacked. Of what he lost. _

_ Of what was taken away from him. _

_ There was no beauty in it. _

_ Nevertheless he always thought that his brother was beautiful, even when he revealed to be a monster on the inside, disguised as a perfect creature. _

_ When Sasuke saw him on the throne at the Uchiha hideout, despite the hate he felt, despite the anger, he saw how fine his features were. _

_ It felt good to mess them up, twisting them with pain.  _

_ It felt good to slash and pierce and burn his long slender limbs. Until he got to know the truth. _

_ Then it felt like a sacrilege to have marred that ethereal sick beauty that had sacrificed everything for him. _

_ It felt like a blasphemy to see him maimed by Kabuto's attacks, when he met his Edo Tensei form, when he had his eyes yet he could see so little of him, only that he was perfect despite the cracks and the eye, lost to Izanami. As if he hadn't lost everything already. _

_ It felt like a miracle to see him again in that farm. _

_ It feels like safety, like family, to see him everyday, alive and healthy, casually taking his shirt off when they spar, just like he does, no longer concealing his soul under the Anbu uniform or the Akatsuki cloak. _

Sasuke has always been aware of Itachi's stunning beauty but now he felt it on a deeper level.

He felt it like the water he was floating in.

_ Drowning in. _

He felt it on a physical and at the same time spiritual level.

_ Like a call, pushing him towards the elder's throat, exposed as he tilted his head back; towards his chest going up and down as he breathed; towards his broad shoulders and his arms, muscles twitching as he leaned on the tub rim. Towards his chiseled abdomen, his protruding hipbones and his long legs. _

Itachi was so beautiful that Sasuke wanted to  _ touch him _ .

In a way he never did to anyone.

_ In a way that has nothing to do with being brothers. _

It's not just physical attraction, that stupid impulse that makes people weak and mindless.

Sasuke knows it's different than that. He is different than that. Itachi is different than that.

Sasuke wants to reach Itachi's soul through his body.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the underlying theme for this chapter is reflections. Sasuke looking at his own and seeing Itachi's in the past, Sasuke looking at himself in the present, and seeing Itachi because he's there for real. Itachi with no memory looking at his reflection and trying to understand things from it, instead seeing Sasuke, the only aspect of his past life he's sure of...and so on.
> 
> This Itachi with no memory is less burdened by guilt and suffering so he's more open, yet remaining observant and calm. This means also physically. He takes off his clothes as they spar, he stands naked in front of Sasuke because they're brothers and he behaves with innocent and pure familiarity, which Sasuke sees as such.
> 
> Until he feels something different...
> 
> I think their feelings for each other are complex and difficult to define. Their obsession for each other is well known. Their extreme love for each other, taking different forms according to their personalities, is well known too. In my opinion, in this story, that is fictional and unrelated to real life, physical attraction is just another aspect of their love. They have been deprived of each other for so long that they missed a part of their soul without the other, and they love each other in every possible way when they are together again. This is how I see them.
> 
> (On a different unrelated note: does anyone know how to delete pseuds?)


	8. Chapter 8

> " _Conversations go over my head_
> 
> _Isolation has an ugly face_
> 
> _Surround me with your love_
> 
> _Understand me I need you now"_
> 
> _(Surround Me With Your Love, 3-11 Porter)_

 

According to Council guidelines Itachi has to be examined every month.

The visits soon become a routine where after short tests Tsunade, Shizune and Ino, or the Yamanaka supposed to read his mind, end up chatting with Itachi.

Naturally curious and drawn to learning, he often asks questions about their medical practice and a few questions about chakra control; this inspires Tsunade to teach him basic healing techniques.

_She imagined that even if he can't remember, he still is a pacifist at heart; maybe he would prefer healing to killing._

She has to delegate the task to Shizune though, as she's required for an extra Council meeting in Suna.

Her deputy is in charge of supervising the hospital and her pupils. Not just Sakura, the most gifted one, but also Ino, who wants to add medical skills to her trademark Yamanaka mind control techniques, and Karin, naturally gifted because of her Uzumaki bloodline, the closest to the original Senju clan.

Shizune brings Itachi along with her a couple of times, hoping to find some time for him but the work to do is so much that he helps her with paperwork instead.

The woman remembers one detail that Tsunade, more optimistic than practical, forgot to consider: there is a reason why there were no relevant Uchiha medics.

Medical jutsu requires the performer to have more chakra than others, and to control it better, to shape it in order to perform a specific task, and channel it to the patient. It's a meticulous job, particularly tasking for doujutsu users, who use their strength differently, be it their eyes or their attacks.

Itachi has a natural talent for chakra control, but his innate low stamina, combined with Uchiha genes, would make prolonged healing tasking for him, while, paradoxically, if someone like Naruto learned to control it, his infinite reserve would be a perfect medic.

_There was an old saying when the village was founded: Senju heal, Uchiha kill._

_It was Hashirama, a Senju, who killed Madara, but history was made by winners._

_Itachi would have been a perfect medic if his destiny hadn't thrown him in a clan that valued power over cooperation, turning him into a the killer that erased it._

Outside the hospital Sasuke glares at Shizune when she says that the way Uchiha clan members use their chakra isn't the best for medical activities.

_How dare she? His brother is perfect._

He only stops when Itachi explains him that he can be trained in that field anyway, but he wouldn't use it regularly because it would be taxing for him. His mood lightens only when the elder ruffles his hair, joking about his little brother being more disappointed than him.

When they part ways with the woman Sasuke tells Itachi that he's happy that he won't become a medic.

Itachi tells him that he never thought of becoming one. He only wanted to learn the basics, to be more useful on missions, in case he got hurt.

"I said I'd to protect you."

_With his life, if necessary. Just like he always did._

* * *

The following time Itachi has medical training, he comes home escorted by Karin and Sakura.

The redhead is over-familiar, walking arm in arm with the Uchiha who's nicer and better than Sasuke, in her opinion. The other girl, clinging to his other arm, backs her up almost shyly at first, then just as loudly.

_Sasuke didn't ask Karin but she doesn't need an order from the boy whom she teamed up with for so long._

_She helped him find his brother and kill him._

_She stuck with him and the team when he learned the truth and set out to avenge him._

_She knows how apprehensive he is in leaving Itachi alone, and she keeps an eye on him when she can._

_She knows how important Itachi is for him and she wants to make sure nothing happens to him._

_Sasuke is family. Itachi is family too._

The girls invite themselves in. It just started raining and they don't want to catch a cold. Besides they are a little hungry and the smell of Sasuke's cooking is tempting.

They talk and talk even after dinner, much to Sasuke's dismay. The boy keeps petting Shiro, hoping that the rain will stop soon.

"So, Itachi," Sakura elbows him with a conspiring look, "Shizune is pretty, isn't she?".

Karin makes the same face, even the same gesture.

Sasuke glares at both, unnoticed.

_Not by Itachi, who always keeps an eye on him._

_Even when he's not in his field of vision._

"She looks at you in a certain way..."

"...and you look nice together..."

The girls echo, one after the other.

_What does 'looking nice together' even mean? Sasuke wonders._

_He knows that his brother is handsome -he knows it painfully by now._

_He is never aware of other people. Shizune is proportionate, does that mean being beautiful?_

_More important, what does his brother think about her?_

_What does he feel?_

_The boy back the previous time, when he came to pick Itachi at the hospital._

_He was outside with the woman._

_Were they too close as they talked? Did she look at him in a particular way?_

_Did they exchange a meaningful look as they parted?_

_He is not sure. He has no means of comparing them._

_He knows that when Itachi gestured him to come as soon as he spotted him, letting him participate in their conversation._

Itachi ends the interrogation he endured for too long, inquiring about their existing relationship with Naruto and Suigetsu. The discussion becomes heated, each of them complaining about this and that thing about them.

_Each of them meaning the opposite, in their hearts._

When they leave Sasuke feels terribly awkward because he never dealt with personal questions.

_Friends talk about these things all the time. Not him._

_He was an avenger, he had no time for these._

"Brother, do you like Shizune?" he finally asks.

"They were just joking..." Itachi says calmly.

_He's only apparently calm, or he wouldn't feel the urge to tell Sasuke that he's not interested in her._

_That it's a joke that he could be interested in her or anyone else._

"Besides, Shizune is interested in someone already. It's quite obvious if you look closely. She always looks away when she sees him..."

_It was easy for Itachi to get to know personal details of the people around him._

_Whether they told him or not._

_Shizune never told him she had an interest on Yamato, yet to him it was obvious._

Sasuke looks relieved, until the next question:

"Is there someone you like?"

"Where does this come from?" Itachi asks with a low chuckle.

"I like many people in this village. They looked after my brother when I couldn't..." he says.

_He looks at his brother as if he's the most precious thing in the world, because he is, for him._

_He can't imagine that things went differently. Sasuke made sure he wouldn't._

"...but not as you imply" he continues.

" _There is only one for me. You are my everything and I want to spend my life with you" would be the right answer but he can't say it._

_They're brothers, they are together now, but they will eventually part ways. He can't trap him._

_They're brothers but there is more. He feels something more. He can't scare him._

_He loves to be Sasuke's older brother._

_He loves to tend for his needs._

_He loves to watch him feign indifference and superiority when Naruto challenges him, only to accept it shortly after._

_He loves to lightly reprimand him when he's rude with the blond or orders Suigetsu and Karin around._

_He loves when he calls him brother. That word coming from Sasuke's voice gives him joy._

_Even more than that. It gives him purpose. A very reason to live._

_He can't say when his love for his brother has changed. He can't say if it even changed._

_After having his conscience evolve from leaf carried by the wind, to animal, to human, he can't even say that there are different kinds of life, let alone different kinds of love._

_Yet what he feels is considered so unnatural that he must question his own sanity._

_He has no memory: maybe he also lacks discernment._

_Maybe his head is doing tricks to him because that time in the bathtub he saw Sasuke's eyes glazed with lust and that's not possible. It's more likely that he was projecting his own desire._

_The desire of someone with no memories but Sasuke's voice, ringing in his ears since he could who only knows Sasuke as his reason for living._

_He knows he was a spy but he is surprised by how easily he conceals his feelings, no matter how strong they are, no matter if they seem to cut off the air from his lungs._

_He can't remember that he always concealed his feelings for the boy, one way or another, and that he did it for love._

_Despite knowing he was a spy he is surprised by how well he conceals his inner trouble, even if it bites and tears at him, like a wild untamed beast locked between his ribs, frantically trying to smash them to get out._

_He thinks he's good at hiding them because of the guilt that comes with such feeling._

_He can't remember that he always had to conceal his feelings for the boy, one way or another, and that he did it for love._

_Even if he was forced to beat him to make him stronger._

_Even if he was forced to destroy his soul to make sure he would keep on living._

* * *

Sasuke is good with animals. He values and respects them and they obey and respect him back. They love him, even his summons who could just be bound to him through a contract.

Shiro is a difficult one; even Kakashi failed with him. Yet the young Uchiha found the way to his heart. He understood that the dog is not one to be easily disciplined and he never asked too much of him.

As a result he is respected and obeyed for the most important things. For everything else, both animal and master don't care if he steals Naruto's stuff when he comes by -he should be careful where he leaves it in the first place -or if he's unresponsive to everyone but Sasuke.

Or Itachi.

_Sasuke acts in the same way after all._

_Kakashi once called their small family Itachi's pack. It's a fitting definition._

_Both Sasuke and Shiro are detached and grumpy when they are with other people. Both warm up into utter adoration only for Itachi._

Another one of Shiro's bad habits is digging holes. Noticing several in Aki's garden Itachi was concerned that the old lady might have a hard time walking around. Because of that Sasuke decided to go fix them.

He was supposed to be back later but his mission was easier than expected.

He will make dinner as soon as he'll finish here, he thinks, trying to remember what's in the kitchen and what can be cooked with it.

_Both brothers enjoy simple dishes anyway. Each other's company is the food they enjoy the most._

Once he has just completed his task though, he lays on the ground, lazily petting Shiro curled at his side, watching the sunset sky, its burning pinks and oranges, faint lines of clouds hanging low.

It's Itachi's favorite kind of sky.

His brother told him once, as its colors, different from the usual ones, give it a surreal, dreamy appearance.

It seems closer, somehow. At least he thought so when he had no consciousness of himself and he used to lay down, feeling the world around him.

When he asked Sasuke's favorite the boy wondered if he had a favorite one.

_Avengers must look forward, not up at the sky._

He replied, describing when the sky was so blue and the clouds so white that it almost hurt the eyes to watch them for too long.

_Just like memories._

_He did watch the sky, albeit rarely. That time he was relaxing his body in a green field, while his mind was racing back and forth between his future plan of avenging Itachi, and memories of the past resurfacing with the truth, reminding that they had always been in his heart, just like the love for his brother._

_Above him the sky was blue and the clouds puffy and white. He had closed his eyes to protect them from the contrasting light. Shutting his vision down helped him remember._

_His brother poking his forehead: he focused on the sensation, the pressure applied, the warmth of his finger._

_He poked his own forehead to re-create those sensations._

_He did it once, twice, three times, but it wasn't the same thing._

"I should have guessed that your favorite type of sky would be sharp, full of contrasts, just like you."

He didn't understand what Itachi meant.

_He meant that Sasuke went by extremes. He showed everyone only one side while he was lucky enough to see the other._

_He meant that Sasuke shined bright, almost blindingly, in his eyes, who wandered into darkness for so long._

They were in their garden, tending to their plants.

Living in a farm his brother had learned a few things. Growing something fills the heart with joy, he had told Sasuke once.

Shinobi's duty was to kill, if needs be; it would benefit their souls to see a new life blooming from a seed underground, an uncertain sprout becoming a small green thread, standing up as a proud stem able to bear flowers and fruits.

_He was the same as them, emerging from the ground, wondering like an uncertain sprout, becoming slowly human until he found Sasuke and was able to stand proud._

He knew what the younger was thinking when his questioning eyes met his own.

"But humans are more important than plants because they have feelings and thoughts, ideals and hopes, isn't it? Yet plants are selfless and brave. They stand tall no matter how small they are against anything nature brings them, be it snow or drought or farmers with sickles. They give everything they have to those who grow them, without ever refusing to obey. They put others' needs before their own life. They aren't different from shinobi, who never draw back from their opponent no matter how strong they are, who give everything they can, putting the mission, the Hokage, the village, above their needs and lives. Don't you think?"

Itachi took Sasuke's hand -so warm, so pure -guiding it towards the leaves of a tomato plant.

"In this world we are all together. We are all connected. The infinitely small follows the same framework as the infinitely big. Us humans are in the middle. Like animals we belong to the soil we lay our feet on, yet our soul belongs to what's beyond our senses."

_Like love._

Thus he lays on the grass, admiring his brother's favorite kind of sky, entranced by how amazing it is to live with the elder, overwhelmed by the beauty around him and by the gratitude towards that universe that gave him his precious person back.

Still reveling in the safe cocoon of his musings, he doesn't rush to Itachi when their house is filled with his voice, followed by Kakashi's.

Until he hears their conversation.

* * *

"I did something horrible, didn't I?"

Itachi asks, matter-of-fact. Kakashi is just as impassive.

"We're shinobi, Itachi. We all did terrible things. In fact, many would be glad to forget like you did..."

"...Would you too, senpai? Would you be fine being the only one who doesn't remember?"

"Nah, I wouldn't."

It's the silver haired man who breaks the subsequent silence.

"It's too bad that your reports were destroyed, but that's the procedure for classified missions," he conveniently adds, sighing, "but you were an infiltrate. I assume you did what you had to do."

"And in the meantime Sasuke was alone, facing the loss of our family and the shame of having a deserter brother..."

Itachi's voice was guarded, despite his words, despite the sadness and guilt.

"Sasuke is your brother. He comes from a proud shinobi clan. He was able to endure his burden, just like you did."

_Itachi must not know what Sasuke endured, from him, from Konoha, from everyone he sought to make sense of the world around him, to gain power and control it._

Sasuke has always been excellent at hiding and sneaking behind enemies to take them by surprise.

_The storm in his eyes furiously raging._

"Our family...I avenged it."

Itachi can't understand that he is neither referring to the brother to whom he devoted his life, nor to Obito, who helped wiping the Uchiha clan out, but to Danzo, who ordered it.

Kakashi does.

_Sasuke stands fiercely, his back straight, his chest out, as if he wanted his older brother to be proud because he avenged their family, and Itachi feels stinging pain because no matter how adult and strong the younger is acting all he sees is a scared, lonely boy with nothing to cling on anymore, only that dark, consuming thought._

_He thinks it's because he wasn't there that the guilt bites at him._

_He can't imagine -he can't remember- that revenge is what he drilled into his head, so that he would have something to live for, to wake up to every morning._

"Here he is. I leave you in his care then!"

Kakashi says casually, but his look and the hand on the his shoulder as he leaves aren't casual at all.

They're reassuring and commanding at the same time.

They mean that Sasuke must control himself for his sake and Itachi's.

_He already said too much. They never concorded to tell him about revenge._

"I was in Aki's garden. You said it needed to be fixed..."

He says, but the sadness in Itachi's eyes cuts off his voice.

_He wants his brother's new life to be free from the burden of the past._

_He wants his new life to be free from the burden of the past._

"What do you want to know?"

He musters a plain tone, heading for the porch.

The sky is no longer pink, the approaching dusk coloring it with a purplish hue, rollers of clouds darkening like the look in Sasuke's eyes.

_Sasuke is not Kakashi; Itachi can't ask him what he would ask to their team leader._

"It doesn't matter."

_The boy must not suffer. Not anymore._

"Let's make dinner, shall we?"

The boy doesn't move.

"Please niisan, tell me."

_Yet it happened and it's his fault and now his brother is questioning him and hiding it would make things worse._

The elder sits beside him, not close enough to touch him but enough to feel his warmth.

"I wanted to know the extent of the acts I committed."

He mutters.

"I wanted to understand why everyone avoids looking at me."

_And why, when they do, it's like they're facing a monster._

_I wanted to understand why, if I've been called a hero, they are afraid of me._

_I wanted to understand why, if you consider me a hero, I left you all alone._

"What did they tell you?"

The younger regrets to have burst out as soon as the heated words leave his mouth, when he is already standing, his sharingan blazing, his fists ready to strike whomever the enemy might be.

He restrains himself, deactivating his eyes.

_If Itachi sees his anger he might remember their fight._

_It doesn't matter that his brother wanted to die by his hands since the massacre._

_It doesn't matter that he wanted to be punished by Sasuke, the last Uchiha survivor._

_It doesn't matter that he wanted to make him a hero and grant him Mangekyou Sharingan._

_It doesn't matter that the illness caused by the overuse of his powers would have taken him anyway._

_Sasuke would always consider himself Itachi's killer because he enjoyed seeing his face distorted by pain and he felt accomplished, even if only for a moment, before fainting, devoid of all energy, beside his corpse._

_Before waking up and feeling empty, once his only purpose didn't exist anymore._

_Before the truth changed everything._

"No one told me anything, don't worry."

_No one says anything._

_They only stare with wariness and fear, when they think he isn't looking._

_They only become suddenly silent when he approaches them._

_Other than Sasuke's friends no one is at ease around him, especially when his brother is not there._

_He doesn't know why but he's right: Sasuke may be considered moody and unstable but it's him that people are uncomfortable with._

_Some are afraid to accidentally disclose what the Hokage forbade to say._

_Some obey her orders but don't agree with a conveniently partial truth._

_Some prefer to not cross his path, not knowing if or when he'll do something with his eyes._

_Everyone is grateful to Itachi Uchiha, the hero who protected Konoha from the shadow._

_They experienced firsthand Akatsuki's attack and the destruction of the village, as soon as he was dead._

_Everyone is ready to honor a dead man, just like everyone is ready to judge someone who's alive._

_Thus for someone Itachi is not the name written in golden letters at the Memorial, but the one who killed an entire clan, including innocent children, even if they witnessed the trial against the remaining elders, who admitted that they followed Danzo's vile plans of annihilating the Uchiha clan by the hand of their prodigy, forced to choose between his people and the brother he loved more than anyone and anything else in the world._

"They are afraid of your strength," Sasuke replies, his expression mixed with disgust and anxiety, "A genjutsu master like you didn't even need people to look in your eyes. Even a single finger of yours could trap them into an illusion."

"Did I hurt any of them?"

"No! You have nothing to do with those cowards!"

Once more Sasuke loses control, raising his voice, revealing how angry and lost and hurt he is, his shoulders tense, his fists clenched.

"Everything you did was for the sake of the village."

He lowers his head, long bangs covering his eyes as he sits down again and tries to regain control of himself.

_Neither Sasuke's sudden sharingan nor his uncontrolled anger spark Itachi's painful memories._

_What he sees is a bottomless pit of despair that he feels guilty of and he wonders if the voice incessantly telling him that the boy must not suffer commanded him to protect him or to stop hurting him._

Itachi moves in front of him, kneeling down to be at his eye level.

"Did I hurt you too?" he asks with the same kind tone he used every time Sasuke made a childish mistake trying to be like him, and he didn't want to belittle his efforts.

Sasuke knows that Itachi doesn't remember those moments, just like he doesn't remember anything else.

He looks innocent, pure, perfect. So much that he wonders if this is how his brother must have seen him as a child: someone who doesn't deserve to be sullied with the truth and the gritty details of a violent and greedy world.

_Besides, how is Sasuke supposed to answer?_

" _Yes, you did. You hurt me more than you can imagine._

_You hurt me more than any physical pain I endured in my whole life, and I know physical pain._

_I sought physical pain at times, because it took my mind off from you, the most important person in my life, who destroyed my family and my future._

_You lied and manipulated me so that I would hate you and not those who gave you the order._

_You never deemed me worthy enough to share the truth with me._

_You forced me to kill you._

_You entrusted me to someone else._

_You wanted to protect me but you broke my heart and wrecked my life._

_You wanted to protect me by keeping me away from you when all I wanted in life was to be with you, no matter what."_

"Not on purpose. Your...mission was your priority. It had to be."

Sasuke murmurs.

_He can't say that making sure he was alive and safe was part of his mission._

_He can't say that everything Itachi did in his life was for him._

Still on his knees, his gaze downwards, Itachi is taking in the information, its deliberate vagueness not concealing the pain and neglect he caused to the boy, whose fingers suddenly close themselves between the elder's upper arms and shoulders.

Head now raised, the boy mutters almost inaudibly:

"I missed you so much…"

He doesn't care anymore to hide the glistening in his onyx-black eyes.

Itachi is overwhelmed by sadness, regret, longing and guilt, the same feelings he experienced when he first walked past Konoha's gates, not knowing who he was, following the crows to find the one who found him, again.

"I missed you every day of my life. I hated myself because I had to be strong instead. Everything reminded me of you. The rain reminded me of sneaking into your bedroom when I was afraid of thunderstorms. The sunlight filtering through the trees reminded me of playing with you in the woods. Every time I learned something new I remembered you praising me as a child. Every time I went to sleep I asked myself if you ever thought of me...if you ever missed me. And the answer was always..."

Sasuke's voice cracks. His fingers dig deeper.

Itachi's questions about the past are opening old wounds that his brother never recovered from and he can't let him suffer again.

What he knows is enough. _It has to be._

Sasuke wants to forget and Itachi wants Sasuke's happiness.

He understands now. There is a reason if he has no memory.

"I apologize for all the pain that I caused you in the past."

He comes closer, his arms encircling his brother's back.

"I apologize for all the pain that I've put you through since I returned."

"You didn't..."

Sasuke's grip on Itachi's shoulders loosens.

_The one he doesn't know he has over his brother's heart doesn't._

"I did...I do." Itachi interrupts him.

"I see the pain in your eyes. I saw it when you came at the farm. I see it every time my questions bring back the past."

_Not only when he asks questions. Even when it's Sasuke who talks about their past._

_Sometimes he wonders if his brother would be better off without him, if his very existence is a hindrance for him. If it's only a selfish desire to stay by the boy's side._

_Especially now._

Itachi settles between Sasuke's thighs, closing the small gap between them.

"I have been granted with a new life; I can live with my brother again and I am grateful for this gift. Yet a question has always been in the back of my mind. Why? I assumed it was to make amends, to repair what I broke," he brushes the boy's face as a silent apology, "so I tried to understand as much as possible, to know as much as possible. To ask as much as possible. But if that was the reason, shouldn't I remember? Why I had no memory at all instead?"

A smile that is reassuring and mysterious at the same time lightens the elder's features.

"I have the answer now. You gave it to me."

His warmth seeps through Sasuke's skin, reaching his aching heart.

"This miracle I've been bestowed with is not for me. I didn't even know what 'me' was. Maybe I still don't know. The only thing that I know, since the first time I saw you, is….you. That I want to protect you."

"Brother..."

Itachi strokes his brother's back, Sasuke clings to the elder's sleeves.

"I was brought back for you, not for myself. There is no myself without you. This life belongs to you and I will devote it to make your pain end."

Itachi's forehead touches Sasuke's. They are close, so close, breathing each other's air.

"I am yours, Sasuke."

They stare in each other's eyes for what seems an eternity and an instant at the same time, until a speechless Sasuke leans against his brother's collarbone, not letting him go, as if his life depended on it, as if were to lose him he would drown in a black sea of sorrow, haunted by the ghosts of the past.

_Even if Itachi caused them._

* * *

Sasuke can't sleep that night.

Not because he is worried that Itachi could find out the truth. He promised to stop investigating, after all.

Not only because despite everyone knows Itachi is a hero they dare disrespect him.

Not even because what he told him was more that he could ever dream of.

_Obito said that for Itachi he was more important than the village but Itachi talked about loyalty to Konoha when they met again, even if he said he would always love him when they parted._

_This time he didn't mention the village. There were just the two of them in the world._

_Just like Sasuke has always wanted._

He can't sleep because Itachi's penetrating stare, his deep voice _-I am yours-_ and warm body kneeling so close to him made him weak, maybe crazy.

So much that the same words _-I am yours too, niisan. I have always been-_ came out of his mouth.

They were only a faint whisper and he sealed his lips after, or he would have claimed his property in a kiss.

Or he would have ordered his property to kiss him back.

He would have told Itachi, once and for all, the he was his to take.

* * *

Itachi can't sleep either.

Not because he gave up to knowing the past.

The future is more important; Sasuke is more important.

Especially now that he knows the reason why he's back.

He should be appeased to have sworn loyal to Sasuke, only to him.

Yet Sasuke's whisper is ringing loud in his ears.

"I'm yours too..."

His brain must be playing tricks on him again because what he saw in his brother, again, is impossible.

_His black eyes glazed with lust; his lips slightly parted as if they were inviting him to enter; his head tilted, his pale throat exposed._

_As if his brother wanted to be kissed._

_As if his brother wanted to be kissed by him._

_As if his brother was allowing him to take him._

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slowly, finally, Itachi and Sasuke's more-than-brotherly feelings are becoming impossible to resist.
> 
> I think that they have been deprived of the other for so long, for such tragic events, that being obsessed and attracted to the other is not strange, only another way to be closer to the most important person in their lives.
> 
> This chapter's recurring theme is growing and blooming, for plants, people and feelings. Another element is overheard conversations, and laying down and feeling one with nature, observing its beauty.
> 
> In this story Itachi has a deep connection with nature because he was reborn with no 'human' conscience at first, it bloomed later, so it's like he has in himself all stages of evolution, and he feels and values all forms of life as one and the same with the universe. I think such philosophy suits someone deep and introspective like him. This doesn't make him less strong in battle, on the contrary, it's because he values life so much that killing people has a deeper meaning for him. Here he had no conscience of himself for long that he felt one with nature and the world around him, until seeing people first, then Sasuke, gave him an identity.
> 
> Sasuke feels guilty for having killed Sasuke, no matter if he technically didn't. After all in canon he says he killed him, just like he killed Danzo.
> 
> I kept Itachi's low stamina even if he is healthy now, because I like the idea because it makes his strength even more impressive, having to concentrate his fights before he runs out of energy. Also it makes a good contrast with Sasuke: Itachi has weak stamina but a strong mind, while Sasuke has stronger stamina but a "weaker" mind, meaning he's more open to influence (and manipulations) unlike his brother.
> 
> I like the idea of Sasuke's dog (now also Itachi's) being well trained only around his master(s), while a mess with others. Shiro is like a dog version of Sasuke, rude and detached with everyone but Itachi.
> 
> I dedicate this chapter and especially Itachi's philosophical lines to my friend Tsukiko-Hibiki~


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I waited to post this chapter today, on Sasuke's birthday. I shouldn't spoil it but the Itasasu warning now has a point.
> 
> Also, I dedicate this chapter to Wynillustrates, Wnarya on deviantart. Wyn, this is for you!

 

 

> " _So don't think that I'm pushing you away_
> 
> _When you're the one that I've kept closest" (The XX, Crystalized)_

 

There is only one who could throw a surprise party for Sasuke and not be in trouble: Kakashi was well aware of this when he heard Itachi's idea. In fact, anticipating the boy's reaction – or dying to see it – he gladly offered his help.

Noticing the devilish gleam in his eye, Itachi sighed. His senpai surely liked to tease his little brother.

_Even if he's definitely not a party type, even if he often complains about his friends' noisiness and lack of boundaries, Sasuke appreciates them and enjoys their company, in his own way._

_Itachi can't imagine that his brother wanted to destroy Konoha and all of its people to avenge him. That when he woke up, after the war, in the same room as Naruto, he was ready to start with the blond. That only when the other refused to fight, only when Tsunade promised him justice he changed his mind._

_Nevertheless, judging from the sincere and slightly surprised happiness everyone shows when Sasuke participates in their activities, he can tell that he pushed everyone away for years,_

_When he talked about having avenged their parents the elder was crushed under the weight of those words even without remembering._

_He felt suffocating at the thought of his brother, drowning in a dark pit of loneliness, rejecting anything and anyone that weren't useful for revenge, while he was away on a lifelong mission._

_Now he is back and he wants to give Sasuke everything he failed to do before. He can't give him their family back but he can get a little closer to it by inviting those who cared about him when he couldn't._

_Besides, Sasuke needs his friends._

_Or maybe he needs to see Sasuke with them, to silence the feelings he shouldn't have._

Kakashi did as he was recommended. He invited the former Team 7, now including Yamato and Sai, and Team Taka.

Too bad that he _accidentally_ forgot to appeal to their discretion.

Thus Karin invited Shizune, having noticed how her chakra softened around Yamato.

Sai deemed appropriate to put the saying 'the more the merrier' in practice extending the invitation to Team 8, during a joint mission.

When Ino heard that Kiba would be there she pestered Sakura to bring her along with Chouji and Shikamaru, so it wouldn't be too obvious.

Figuring that some adults would be there, Shikamaru decided to provide some company for Kurenai and her baby while Naruto ended up inviting Bushy Brows and his team because they were the only ones left. Iruka tagged along, claiming that it was rude not to invite Sasuke's first sensei especially during his day off, and lastly, Kakashi's pack just showed up at the Uchiha house. They are Kakashi's and Shiro is almost one of their pack after all.

* * *

As expected Sasuke isn't thrilled to come home and find his house crammed with people.

Especially because he was forced to spend hours at the hospital, for pointless tests that apparently Tsunade had ordered before going to Suna. Her assistant usually wasn't that slow; the boy asked himself if she was incompetent when alone, but she was just buying time for the group to gather and wait for him, who instead couldn't wait to spend his birthday with his most precious person.

_After all the pain and lies and loneliness he would have never imagined that he would be granted the miracle of celebrating birthdays with his beloved brother, his role model, his inspiration._

_Even though what he feels is more than that. He knows that there is more._

Especially because Itachi announced that he would prepare his favorite dishes.

_Before the massacre his mother used to do the same, while his father came home from work with a present._

_Itachi always took a day off to spend with him. Until the last one, where he had a mission he couldn't refuse. Or so he said; Sasuke was still a child but he was aware of the tension in their house since Shisui's suicide._

_He imagined that Itachi was angry for having been accused of his best friend's death. He was right, why would anyone accuse him? His big brother was perfect, he used to think._

_So perfect that to measure his ability he slaughtered his best friend and everyone else._

_Everyone but him, who wasn't even worth killing._

_After the massacre, when he became an avenger, his birthday became a painful reminder._

_That he was alive and everyone he had loved was gone forever. One in particular._

_That he was alive because he was worthless._

_There was a twisted, crooked moment when, during their fight, Itachi said he hadn't killed him because he needed his eyes, that he felt almost useful, almost important for the one he had loved the most, before he straightened his back and carried on his revenge._

_He wasn't entirely worthless because he avenged his family, he thought, before succumbing to exhaustion beside his dead brother, before waking up – asking himself why, for his life had no purpose anymore – and being told that Itachi had loved him more than everyone else, so much that he had sacrificed everyone for his sake._

_The truth didn't make him feel more worthy. How could he, when he had lived every every moment of his life bathing in their blood and Itachi's, whom he failed to understand?_

* * *

When Sasuke opens the door a group of people singing a birthday song besiege him in a group hug. When they flock back in the living room he's still taking off his shoes, confused and irritated.

"Welcome home, Sasuke."

Itachi comes out alone, welcoming him with a glass filled with something that smells like alcohol.

"You must be angry, but please take it out on me."

He smiles as he hands him the cup.

_His hands are warm like his smile._

"Your friends were enthusiastic to celebrate your birthday, but the idea was mine."

He can't be angry at the one he missed every day of his life, before he came back from the dead.

He can't be angry at the one whose words – I'm yours – spoken while he was kneeling before him, can't stop resonating in his ears.

He can't be angry at the one whose smile illuminates the room and his whole world, making him feel both at home and in an unknown realm, where his feelings take him.

He can't be angry at the older brother who, considerate and cunning at the same time, doesn't mind him drinking underage.

"Are you trying to get me drunk so I'll forget that we had other plans, niisan?"

He smirks, taking a first sip.

It's the third time he drinks sake. He was in the Sound the first one. When Orochimaru poured him some, Sasuke didn't hide his disgust. Its taste wasn't much different from the weird medicines he was being given to become stronger. Or to make the sannin's research proceed.

_As long as he gained power he didn't mind what he did to his body._

_If he wanted to prepare it for the time when he would become his vessel so be it._

_He didn't need to live after Itachi died._

"Sake is for adults, Orochimaru-sama. Children never like it," Kabuto chuckled, slowly savoring the liquid.

"Didn't your father drink it?" He then asked.

Of course he did on occasions, Sasuke remembered, clenching his jaw and straightening his posture because he didn't allow himself to show any vulnerability.

"Alcohol is a poison," he replied,"You said you'd make me immune to poisons".

"Oh, not to this one!"

Orochimaru laughed.

"This is a...different sort of poison. It would be cruel to make you immune to it."

He was in Konoha the second time.

The truth had been disclosed, the trials against the elders were over, the Memorial for Itachi and the clan had been erected.

Naruto wanted to celebrate his friend's victory. Kakashi didn't want him to suffer alone, because the justice he finally obtained didn't bring his family back. Sakura wanted to be there for his friend – and she needed courage to do a certain thing – and Sai was a part of the team like Yamato.

When the adults got a taste of the cheap liquor Naruto bought they left them on their own as they could afford something better; the young ones didn't understand the difference so they shrugged and meticulously emptied the bottle.

Maybe its poor quality was the reason why Sasuke felt sick after two glasses, he mused, turning his gaze away from Naruto and Sakura who got closer and closer with each sip.

Sai was shamelessly staring at them, not in the least bit affected by the alcohol.

He had been made immune to that poison.

This time the sake's taste is less bitter, less burning.

_Maybe because it's Itachi who gave it to him._

Maybe because he is already burning without it, for having touched the light of his life.

"Hn. I suppose it could be..."

Itachi smirks back, squeezing the boy's shoulder.

"I didn't want to ruin your birthday. I wanted to extend its celebration to those who care about you. I am sure you'll have a good time with them. As for us...we have all the time in the world."

His words carry the solemnity of a promise.

He's not joking. He's not teasing him. He's not lying.

He won't lie to him anymore, Sasuke tells himself as he follows the elder in the main room.

* * *

Itachi was right: the party is not at all unpleasant.

The adults are inside, some sitting on the sofa, some on the ground, by the low table.

In the garden Shiro is happily running around with Akamaru and the pack. Naruto, Kiba and Rock Lee are playing a drinking game, dragging Sasuke into their absurd challenges, to which he participates quite easily, although every time someone mentions Itachi he spaces out, unable to pay attention to anything else, thus losing and having to drink.

First it's Ino. She's not talking about him though, only referring to something she said in his presence.

"You didn't answer my question!"

Sakura yells while Karin asks about her change of heart.

Giggling, the Yamanaka explains that she used to have a crush on Sai. During the war she was allocated in the same division as Kiba, they got to know each other and to get along very well.

She didn't realize her feelings at first, only to understand them when her squad was ambushed by a group of Zetsu, whose bombs caused a massive rock-slide in the cave they were used as a base.

No one was seriously hurt but they all thought they could die.

They were shinobi. They were at war. They were ready for it; so they told all themselves.

While she was protecting herself from the rocks his mind wandered to the day before, when Kiba had showed her a funny trick with Akamaru.

Thinking about her family and comrades would have been more predictable. Thinking about Sai more logical.

That day Kiba thought about her too, as he shielded his dog and nervously tried to locate her scent, praying that she would be fine.

Love is not logical, yet there are ways to understand it, at least for someone who reads minds such as her, she explains.

Everyone has a special person. A friend, a lover, a role model. Or a sum of them.

It’s their first image when  they wake up and the last when  they fall asleep.

_ Like Dan for Tsunade and Asuma for Kurenai. _

It’s the one  they want to tell that they accomplished something good.

_ Like his best friend Shikamaru for Chouji. _

It’s the one  they worry about when they are in danger.

_ Like Kiba for Ino and Ino for Kiba. _

It’s the one  they mention too many times.

_ Like Sakura for Naruto. _

Or the one  they avoid mentioning.

_ Like Yamato for Shizune. _

It’s the one who slips into their words without them realizing.

_For Sasuke it's Itachi, every time. It has always been him._

_Even after the massacre, when he convinced himself that it was just hate._

_He woke up and fell asleep with his image in mind._

_He was the one Sasuke would have liked to show his accomplishments._

_He was the one Sasuke clang to, when he was crawling, bleeding, refusing to die before he turned his dream of peace into a reality._

_He was the one Sasuke spoke about when he returned, because everyone had to know how perfect he was._

_He was the one Sasuke refused to mention, after justice was done and he had only his memories who seemed to dig a hole in his heart._

_He was the one whose name he whispered at night, when the need for him and the pain for his loss couldn't be suppressed anymore._

* * *

Then it's Kurenai.

Itachi offers to look after her daughter for a while, so she'll relax with her fellow jounin. He takes her by the hand and introduces her to the dogs, always staying in her mother's visual range. Juugo joins them, followed by Karin and Suigetsu.

_They will be good parents, the Uchiha gently teases them with a truth that makes both look away, murmuring something intelligible._

Once he's back between adults Iruka praises his ability with children, adding that he could recommend him if he wanted to become an Academy teacher, to which Itachi modestly lowers his eyes, thanking him.

_Itachi doesn't need to break his promise to not investigate his past anymore, to understand that no one would want a former infiltrate in a terrorist organization around their sons._

_He's not interested in that anyway; the only reason he's back from the dead is Sasuke._

Kakashi comments that he is good with people in general, eloquently silencing the teacher with his visible eye.

_Iruka is naive._

_As someone used to see the hidden potential in his students, he just can't see the older Uchiha with the mixture of admiration and hostility that is typical of those who weren't close enough to Sasuke to witness his suffering. He was there when he returned to school like nothing happened, completely shut off from everyone, only focused on studying, sitting alone in a corner during recess, lost in thoughts that no children should harbor._

_When the truth was disclosed the teacher felt guilty for not having supported that little boy that kept everyone at a distance. He felt guilty for being a part of the village that caused him and his brother so much pain. When Itachi returned he felt happy for them and grateful towards the hero that sacrificed himself to protect them all from the shadows._

_To him the two brothers were victims, not threats._

Itachi adds that he is satisfied with his current position. That he is proud to be a Konoha shinobi and happy to be beside Sasuke.

It's enough for Iruka to change subject; he drags the Uchiha away for there are other urgent matters to discuss, such as the cake and more rounds of embarrassing songs.

_Like Tsunade before him, Iruka assumed that someone who protected peace so strenuously would prefer - or deserve -teaching instead of fighting, not realizing that Itachi wants to be with his brother, after having been apart for so long._

When they're out of earshot the kunoichi whispers:

"Are you sure that _he_..."

She is quite anxious at the idea of her precious daughter, only reminder of the man she loved, being with someone who killed children.

He did it for Konoha; he did it to protect his most precious person, Kakashi reminds her, adding:

"We are shinobi. We all did _things_."

_She was lucky enough to have been employed in honorable missions only;_

_not everyone had that luck. Anbu certainly hadn't._

* * *

No wonder drinking is one of the ninja's three prohibitions, Sasuke muses, when instead of attacking her lack of respect and gratitude for the hero who protected the village and the comrade who offered to relieve her from her duty for a while, he just sighs and walks away.

He will confront her later. He will have a talk with her and Iruka, who remembers too little and talks too much. Not now, during the party that his brother threw for him.

_No one ever did it. His family was traditional and closed to other clans. They would have never invited outsiders inside their homes. Not that he would have wanted his Academy class-mates around there._

Not now that alcohol dulls his anger, but he will, he tells himself as he stands between the porch and the inside, stranger to both groups, extraneous to everything when Itachi is not with him, so much that he doesn't notice Sai's presence.

Quiet, focused, professional, the artist is easy to work with, if one doesn't count his constant staring.

The Uchiha was told that his former replacement was bad at grasping social mechanisms, so he wouldn't be too offended at his inappropriate comments.

He didn't understand what they meant at first. Then, he did.

It was the day after the trials ended. Introducing them formally was another reason why Naruto bought sake. According to him, fighting a war side by side wasn't enough for bonding, when one had tried to kill the other on a classified mission, getting almost killed by him in return.

"Sai is the name Danzo gave me when I became your replacement. I didn't have a name before."

Sai stated, with no emotion for his past.

_Sasuke wondered if he really didn't feel anything. For a moment he envied the other._

He didn't sugarcoat the truth at all, he didn't hide that he had been Danzo's subordinate, nor he showed any regret or shame.

"I killed Danzo," Sasuke replied, almost as impassive.

He had been lied to for so long that the former Root's lack of tact was almost welcome.

He knew that the other had no choice, just like Itachi; he just needed to remind himself that he punished the bastard who destroyed his brother's life.

"Technically, you didn't," Sai rebuked,"He committed suicide, activating the Reverse Four Symbols Seal."

Naruto and Sakura, both drunk, were sitting on a bench nearby.

Unfazed by the Uchiha's threatening glare, he added:

"A Root shinobi was a tool. A seal prevented us Root shinobi from disclosing classified data. We were never given entire information anyway. We didn't know the details of the Uchiha clan massacre...only that Danzo considered Itachi the epitome of a shinobi. Someone who buries his feelings in order to protect the village from the shadows. He used to say that he created our division with him as an inspiration, that we were supposed to be better than him."

_The seal prevented Sai from telling his new team why he considered Sasuke a traitor back then, when he didn't understand why his comrades defended someone who, instead of protecting the village like his brother, had fled to look for revenge, a concept that a tool couldn't understand._

"Maybe I'm more like you. I killed my own brother."

He said. Sasuke clenched his fists, loosening them soon after.

"Shin was better than me at everything and I admired and loved him deeply."

_Rejoicing at his successes, basking in his light, hoping to become as good as him one day, Sasuke knows these feelings._

"He did everything he could to spare me from the reality we lived in."

_Hiding the discrimination and the hatred from his little brother's unknowing eyes, so that the only wrong thing in the world would be him._

"Killing our most important person would kill our emotions and turn us into perfect shinobi. That's why to enter Root we were supposed to fight each other to the death."

_Forcing his little brother to see an enemy in him to make him stronger._

"When our time came Shin was already dying of an illness. Without telling me, he dragged his life on to make me, the weaker one, the winner."

_Plagued by disease, using medicines to forcibly prolong his life, waiting for his brother to fight him, letting him win, sacrificing his last moments to grant him revenge and power._

"He sacrificed his life for me, protecting me until the end. And I obeyed his last command: run, towards Danzo, towards life, leaving him there, to die alone..."

_At least you didn't rage at your brother's sick body like I did, blind as I was to the truth. At least you didn't stab him, burn him, electrocute him like I did, Sasuke thinks._

"I still think that he should have lived, not me. He was better than me at everything."

_So did Sasuke. Itachi was perfect and yet he sacrificed for him, imperfect and worthless as he was._

_And weak, because he dreamed of joining him in death too often, instead of living the life his brother had given him, instead of avenging him, instead of building the world he dreamed of, instead of making him proud, becoming the best shinobi, becoming like him._

_Becoming him, so that he would live through him._

Suddenly Sai looked embarrassed.

"I met him during the war, he had been resurrected as an Edo Tensei. I was finally able to show him my drawings. He said that they freed his soul. He smiled, he seemed in peace as he left...while I...I wanted him to stay with me. For a moment I forgot that there was a war going on, and I only thought that meeting him again was a good thing."

_Sasuke would have wanted the same thing._

_Looking at Kabuto's still form, in whose head he and Itachi were still fighting together, he had felt jealous and alone and desperate._

_He would have given everything to be in that loop; he would have let the war rage and destroy everything if he could have stayed with his brother._

His senses overwhelmed by the alcohol, his mind overwhelmed by the information, Sasuke didn't expect Sai to bow deeply, thanking him for Itachi's sacrifice.

For him and his nameless comrades of what was formerly the Root division, his brother had always been a hero.

* * *

"My brother was better than me with people as well. Like your brother."

Sai states matter-of-fact, as if there was nothing weird in resuming a personal conversation ended months before.

"When I was assigned to Team 7 I didn't care if they didn't trust me. In Root only the missions mattered. As I got to know my comrades better though, I felt...bad, thinking that they didn't believe in my loyalty. Because I have always been loyal. I spied, I stole, I killed, because I was loyal to Konoha. Everything I did, everything I was ordered to, was to protect Konoha."

He continues.

"I don't understand people. If someone is given the order to do something for their safety why do they fear them?"

"People are cowards."

Sasuke snorts, making the other chuckle.

"You are worse than I with people."

"At least I know when to shut up." Sasuke scoffs at him.

"Kakashi-senpai says that most people value their safety but they don't want to know how it is achieved. That for some it's easy to understand those who made difficult choices, while for others it takes time."

Like that time, the artist looks embarrassed.

"I'm not a hero like your brother but Kakashi-senpai said he trusted me..."

_The one who slips into their words without them realizing it._

* * *

After everybody leaves Sasuke lingers outside to breathe some fresh air.

He feels lightheaded, not drunk; certainly he's not wobbling through the rooms and babbling nonsense like Naruto and Lee were.

He wonders if they'll make it home in one piece, while he comes back inside where Itachi is already tidying up.

Shiro sleeps soundly, curled up on the sofa.

The boy knows that he should help but moving around the low table he's attracted by the light sparkling from the sake bottle, so he sits and pours himself some, subconsciously imitating his brother and the other adults' composed movements. He's one year older, after all.

_He wonders if Itachi used to drink when he was in Akatsuki. If he waited for his shark skinned partner to pour it for him or if he did it himself. If he used sake as a poison to forget what he had done._

His brother stops his activity. He hesitates for an instant, then he speaks:

"Sasuke, I didn't want to keep a secret from you but I knew you would have refused if I told you. Even though you needed it."

Noticing Sasuke's curious stare he comes closer and kneels down to be at his level.

"I can't give you back our family...or all the time I was away, but I can give you new memories. Happy memories. Funny memories. Like a surprise party."

Pure memories, where your brother is not having thoughts that he shouldn't have.

He strokes the boy's arm.

"A birthday is not just an anniversary, it has a deeper meaning. _Your_ birthday has a deep meaning: on this very day you came into this world. A sparkle of life took the shape of my brother. Of you, Sasuke. That sparkle...I _felt_ it, when you found me at the farm. I followed its trail when I came here, where you gave me a name, a story, a place to belong, your affection. You gave me life. And I wanted to celebrate this by cooking your favorite dishes to show you how grateful I am of this new life you gave me, of how grateful I am of being your brother. But then I remembered that you are important for others as well. I would be selfish if I didn't include them on this special day."

_As if Sasuke ever needed anyone else but Itachi._

"You were right. It was...fun."

Sasuke shrugs, not being able to match his brother's deep words without losing the composure of an almost adult. Especially not after hearing him say that he is not worthless. That he is important.

"I take that you are not angry at me?"

The elder is quick to mirror his lighter tone.

"I should be."

"That's why I won't ask you to help me."

Itachi playfully ends their exchange and resumes cleaning up while Sasuke flickering from the bottle, while drinking its content, trying not to lose his hazy mind in the sight of the curve of Itachi's neck, its tendon tensing up as he moves, his taut arms lifting objects from the ground, his chest twitching at his every movement, under the thin black shirt without his usual fishnet protection.

His warm breath tickling his ear.

Dizzy as he is he doesn't even flinch when the other sneaks behind him, undetected, like the perfect shinobi that he has always been.

"Aren't you drinking too much, Sasuke?" the elder whispers, slightly leaning on his back.

_He can feel Itachi's abdomen tightening against his back as he speaks, his chest relaxing as he breathes._

Itachi puts his arm under Sasuke's, his finger around his brother's, to guide the boy's hand to lift the cup and direct it to his mouth instead.

_Albeit only through his peripheral vision the boy catches a glimpse of Itachi's lips parting and taking in the liquid. Of his throat going up and down as he swallows it. Of his tongue licking his lips._

He slowly regains control of his arm. And speech.

"You are the one who made me drink though, niisan..."

He replies, eloquently gulping down the little sake left in the cup.

_Maybe if he concentrates enough he will taste his brother's lips in it._

"Fair enough. Although that was to celebrate your birthday. Which, I am afraid, is over..."

Itachi clarifies, pointing at the clock on the wall, announcing that it's another day already.

_Sasuke's special day is not over though. Itachi is with him. He is not going to leave. Every day is going to be special._

When he's about to stand up, Sasuke turns his back towards him and grabs his arm to keep him close.

"But I haven't had my birthday present, so..."

It's definitely the alcohol speaking with such a mischievous tone.

It's definitely the alcohol cupping Itachi's face with both bands, tracing his tear troughs with his thumbs.

It's definitely the alcohol pressing his mouth on his brother's, without looking in his eyes because he doesn't know what they could say, not daring to go further but not letting him go either.

It's definitely the alcohol doing it again, sucking on the bottom lip, tasting its softness and the sake the elder just drank from his cup.

Itachi gets up and quickly puts distance between them, not too much to hurt his feelings, not too little to encourage him.

_He evens his breaths, to regain control of his senses one by one._

_His brother has just kissed him and it took all his self-control to suppress a reaction. Yet he couldn't help but part his lips and receive the naive touches as a gift, as precious as his name and life and story, before chastising himself for getting his brother drunk and unable to understand what he just did, for having been too close to his body, for having touched him too often, for_ _having_ _rubbed his sick mind off_ _on his innocent one, maybe._

His voice is painfully plain when he speaks, his back turned against the younger.

_He must not sound reproaching for he is the sole responsible._

_He must not sound affectionate because it would reveal that he wanted that kiss too._

_He is not drunk. He is an adult. He has no excuses for such action._

"You are drunk, Sasuke. Go to sleep now, will you?"

Sasuke is drunk indeed: when he abruptly stands up the world is spinning around him and he has almost no control of his actions.

He twists Itachi by the shoulder and when the elder opens his mouth to question him, he shuts it close with his own. Itachi pulls back but the door frame blocks him there.

"Drunk or not I want _this_. I have been wanting _this_ since a long time."

"Sasuke..."

Itachi could easily push the boy away but his self-control is dwindling.

You don't even know what _this_ is, he's about to say, but a hand grips his shoulder tightly and another claws his hip, and a voice that's scared and bold at the same time interrupt him.

"Please, brother."

_Sasuke is begging him for the same thing that he wants more than anything in the world, that he didn't dare allow himself to dream, even, for fear of tainting his brother._

Sasuke isn't bothered by the elder's lack of response as he kisses him again, tentatively flicking his tongue out and tracing his teeth and the inside of his mouth.

Itachi isn't inviting him to continue but he isn't rejecting him either; not that he is in a reasoning mood anyway. He's acting on instinct. He's acting on his feelings. He's feeling like he is kissing the sacred idol he has always worshiped, and sacred idols never respond, they just stand there, in their still perfection.

_Only Itachi is struggling to be still and distant._

The more he tastes of his brother though, the more he wants.

"Please, Itachi."

Worshipping an idol is not enough. He wants Itachi to return his kiss. He wants to be worthy of being kissed back. He wants to be needed and desired like he needs and desires the elder.

Itachi sighs, almost inaudibly, before giving in.

_He shouldn't follow his own impulse._

_He shouldn't follow Sasuke's, humoring him with something that he will regret later, but he can't refuse when he sees the storm exploding in the boy's troubled eyes._

_The boy must not suffer._

_So he tells himself._

His tongue follows Sasuke's erratic, drunk, inexperienced pace, letting the boy lean on him.

He only concedes himself to caress his arms like he often does, not daring to touch anything else, but when the boy presses closer and their thighs make contact, he takes control of the kiss, setting a slower and more sensuous pace, his tongue guiding Sasuke's, his hands stroking his waist and back.

When the younger moans in his mouth his guard drops.

Itachi flips him around so that it's Sasuke the one trapped between him and the door frame.

_As if Sasuke felt trapped, so close to the one he wanted so badly._

The pace of their kisses becomes frantic, barely letting them breathe.

The pressure of their strokes becomes heavier. Sasuke's hands trace his back, pulling him closer; with the last faint remains of his willpower Itachi's firm strokes almost dig themselves into Sasuke's hips, keeping him against the door, so that he won't bucking towards him.

_He is leaning on the boy but not full weight, or he won't be able to stop, deluding himself that he can still control what's happening, at the same time moving the line that must not be crossed always a little further, from a chaste kiss to their tongues intertwined, from brushing the younger's arms to being buried in his hips._

Sasuke's eyes are open, as if he wanted to be sure that he's not dreaming, that the one he's kissing, the one who's kissing him back, is Itachi, his older brother, the one he always admired and loved more than anyone in the world, the one that is his whole world.

Itachi's eyes are open, as if he didn't want to completely indulge in sensations he shouldn't feel, because if he did he would lose not only himself but Sasuke, his brother, the one who gave him life, a name, a home, a purpose. The one he loves more than anyone in the world. The one he always loved more than anyone in the world, he doesn't need to have his memory back to know that. He can feel it.

_If he loses himself in these kisses, if he continues down the path where these kisses lead, he will destroy Sasuke's life._

_As if this moment, as if these kisses that never seem to end, no matter how breathless and wanting they are making them, aren't already destroying him._

_Has he forgotten? The boy must not suffer._

It's Itachi who breaks the kiss, pulling away almost forcefully.

His lips are swollen, his breath painfully hitched.

Under his black bangs Sasuke looks feverish.

"It's really late now. You should rest. We both should."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Finally they kissed...it took only 9 chapters. This is a slow paced story. I planned it carefully, writing the first draft 2 years ago, even the drunk kiss scene was something I had in my notes since before the ending.
> 
> With the next 2 chapters the story will reach its middle. Then, part 2 will start. That, too, has been already planned out. I don't know how long it will take me to write it because I am also busy with other fanfictions. Slow is part of this story after all...
> 
> As for this chapter, final scene aside I focused on side characters because I like them. SaixIno is the only canon pairing I don't dislike (well also ChoujixKarui, that's a crackship so it's fun...) but I used to like Kiba and Ino during the war, so I followed that path. Also, KakashixSai was one of my favourite pairings.
> 
> I like Sai. I wish there were more moments with him and Sasuke interacting because it would be interesting. Sai offends people but not on purpose, Sasuke quite the opposite. They would have fun moments together. Also, I always thought that Sai could be one of the few people to really understand Sasuke. He was Danzo's victim too. He lost Shin, his brother, because of Danzo's harsh training that weakened his brother so he got sick. Shin protected him with his life, and they finally met when he was an Edo Tensei. Shounen manga have their fixed structure where only the main character, Naruto, must claim to understand Sasuke, and new friendship never happen, and it's a pity because many occasions are lost.
> 
> A long time ago I read a few Sai centered fics and I had an idea for a story where Sai and Sasuke get close...it was dark and angsty (and hot) of course, and I lost motivation before it started, but I used the parallels between brothers, and the idea that Root knew something more about Itachi, for this one.
> 
> Itachi doesn't remember everything happened so even though he's controlling himself he is less guarded than in canon, so he falls more easily into temptation. He shouldn't tease Sasuke and yet he does, not on purpose but with no teasing intent either. To him, touching his brother is a pure way of expressing affection between brothers. He doesn't even think Sasuke reciprocates the strange feelings that he feels.
> 
> This chapter has funny moments and sad ones, sensual moments and depressing ones. Can't help it.
> 
> My portrayal of Sasuke is not a happy one. To each their own thing, after all.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those who read my other stories will recognize that most of this chapter is my oneshot Pressure, that I originally intended as a part of this universe but I left out all the references to it, so that it could be read as a standalone piece, since I liked the idea behind it very much.
> 
> Most fics are about kisses, more than that, most kisses in fics lead to sex. I'm most interested in what's behind and above the sexual act; instead of details I am interested in the feelings and thoughts that come with it, the angstier and more intense, the better...like unresolved sexual tension, which is particularly strong between these 2 particular characters and their unique and complex relationship.
> 
> Warning, if there needs to be one: malexmale incest, (almost) sex.
> 
> Like for Pressure, I used a Nine Inch Nails quote but I had Gnossienne n.1 by Satie in mind too, its circular, rollercoaster-like structure well conveying the feelings in the story.

 

> _You give me the reason._
> 
> _You give me control._
> 
> _(Nine Inch Nails, Sin)_

 

Tsunade would have loved to go to Sasuke's birthday party, since she knew everything about it and was particularly delighted at the idea of cramming the boy's house with the greatest number of people, but unfortunately her duties didn't allow her to participate.

Sunagakure was shaken by a shocking murder. Two children were killed by a woman who, like Itachi, was revived by Juubi's chakra seeping into the ground where she was buried.

During her first life she was a strong, respected kunoichi who died to protect her subordinates during a mission. One of them was her lover.

When she returned he was overjoyed: he never forgave himself for letting his woman die to protect him. Now that, after five years, granted with a new life, she could have what a premature death had denied her.

It took her a few minutes to study the once familiar features that time changed, to see the ring.

He had grieved her for months when she had died; then he had met someone who had given him the joy to live again and he had decided to marry her without waiting, because he didn't want to risk to lose her too. For the same reason they soon had children.

They named the youngest one after the heroine who saved her father, the one who made their family possible.

The woman accepted that he went on with his life. She had been dead for years, after all.

Reinstated as a jounin, she was monitored and never sent too far away from Suna, but her record was flawless, just like it had been in the past.

Until something happened.

The man found his wife in shock, holding his sword; their sons in a pool of blood, the girl's head severed from her little body.

It didn't take long to find out that she had been put under genjutsu. One that the kunoichi was able to perform.

When he arrived at her house, wielding the sword still stained with his sons' blood, she had already committed suicide. It wasn't out of guilt that she had killed herself though; she knew that he would want to kill her and he didn't deserve that.

Killing herself was the ultimate act of her revenge, the destruction of everything her former lover held dear, just like he did to her and their love.

In her suicide note she explained how she had hated her new life since the first moment, together with her former lover, once she had realized that he had gotten over her.

Her death left no one to condemn for the children's murder. Their civilian mother never recovered from the shock of waking up and realizing that it was not a nightmare.

One day she left the house without a word and walked, crossing the whole village, leaving from its gates and disappearing in the desert.

When they looked for her they only found her clothes.

The tragic event left a deep impression on everyone in the Village Hidden in the Sand.

Even on Gaara, who was somehow reminded of the old himself and the hate he used to feel for everyone who was happy and loved, unlike him.

Luckily there weren't other revived in the village or there would have been a lynching.

So far every report was positive. Every person who was back from the dead had adjusted to the changes that occurred while they weren't alive, and everyone had received the best welcome from their friends and relatives.

This kunoichi's case was a first, yet many voices warned not to consider it an isolated case.

Thus it was the Shinobi Alliance Council's duty to discuss how to proceed, although the real pretext for the meeting was soon revealed.

Once again Itachi and Sasuke's freedom was at stake.

The atmosphere was tense: instigated by his new foreign counselors Koharu and Homura, Oonoki claimed that if a respected kunoichi had done such horrible things, what would Itachi do once his memory returns? Would he decide to take revenge over Konoha? Would he continue what Akatsuki had started?

Sasuke had done it already, should Itachi talk him into doing it all over again he would support him and the consequences would be catastrophic.

The last Uchiha were dangerous. Itachi was a manipulative liar and his power wasn't even fully known; Sasuke was completely insane and disloyal to anyone but his brother.

Besides, the Iwa Kage believed that Itachi was only pretending to have no memory, as he was the only one who returned in such mental condition. The Raikage trusted Tsunade's judgment but he didn't like the current uncertainty. He demanded the Uchiha's memory to be retrieved, one way or another so to clarify his position. The Samurai leader proposed to study the revived ones again, this time specifically looking for signs of mental instability, even running tests on them.

Wasn't that something that only someone like Orochimaru would say? Tsunade screamed, struggling to put some sense into them. She vehemently reminded everyone that they couldn't make a general rule out of an exception. That the Suna kunoichi was nothing like Itachi. That her actions were caused by personal grudge, while Itachi's were to protect his brother and the village, executing a mission that Danzo had assigned him on behalf of the Hokage.

That most of the revived were civilians who posed no more threat than any other human being.

That there was no evidence that Itachi was unstable and it was immoral and unjust to discriminate him again, even more so in the new and better world they all agreed to establish.

Gaara backed her up and so did the Mizukage, as it was unfair to punish someone for a crime he hadn't committed yet.

Leaving the Council, the woman felt that she had won another battle, albeit she knew that the war was still raging on.

She couldn't imagine that in the cart next to hers, waiting for Oonoki, there were the same elders that she exiled as a punishment for the Uchiha massacre.

She couldn't see the look they exchanged with the Tsuchikage either, yet she couldn't suppress a sudden shiver, like a bad omen that was hard to dismiss.

* * *

Itachi wakes up to the sound of pouring water.

He looks outside: it's not raining. It's later than usual, he can tell from the different shade of light.

He doesn't have any missions today yet staying idly in bed is not in his nature.

Sasuke doesn't work either: they arranged their shifts so that they wouldn't have to.

Itachi counted on this very day to celebrate his birthday in the way he had first promised him.

It was his backup plan in case Sasuke would get angry for the surprise party, even if he knew such thing wouldn't happen. Sasuke needed it.

_What he didn't need was what happened when everybody left._

With the alcohol still lingering on his movements but not on his thoughts, Itachi gets out of bed.

The sound comes from the shower faucet.

Eyeing both the bathroom and Sasuke's room, whose door is open, he spots a mess of clothes and a towel on the floor.

The boy must have woken up, taken a shower and gone back to bed. He was really drunk yesterday, his head must have ached. Luckily he doesn't seem in distress now.

The elder heads to the bathroom to finally turn the faucet off, but instead he takes a quick shower.

He too must wash away yesterday's remains.

_He must wash away Sasuke's lips from his mouth._

_It's better to forget about that kiss: it can't possibly mean something._

_It can't possibly mean what it meant for him. Sasuke was drunk and letting him drink was his fault in the first place. He was confused. He is confused._

_There's no need to dwell on it._

_Yet, the taste of his lips haunts him and he wonders if he'll ever forget them._

When he's done he feels cleaner in body and spirit. Even his resolve seems stronger.

_It doesn't matter if he will forget or not._

_He doesn't matter. Only Sasuke matters._

_Nothing is more important that the one whose voice gave him life, a name, a home. His very self._

_The boy must not suffer._

He mindlessly takes some clothes from the drawer to prepare for the day. Even without missions there are chores to do; he washed dishes and cleaned up most of the main room yesterday, but the garden must be a mess, to fix before Shiro decides to add his own touch to it.

The dog must be at Aki's house by now. He should apologize to the lady for the noise, Itachi muses. Maybe he can send Sasuke to her while he cleans up. He is sure that the lady will be happy to see him. In the meantime he'll prepare his little brother's favourite dishes.

Itachi is buttoning up his trousers when he hears Sasuke groaning. He quickly checks on him again.

His brother is just stretching in his sleep, chest rising and falling slowly and steadily.

The movement made his pajama pants hang looser on his hips.

Itachi saw his brother shirtless, even naked, many times since he's back, when they sparred or bathed together. Yet there is something about a sleeping form, that makes that body different somehow.

Maybe it's the fact that as he, awake, takes in every detail, indulging on the protruding hipbones and the hollow of his stomach, the other is not really there so it feels like stealing from him.

_Just like reciprocating yesterday's kisses meant stealing the boy's innocence._

* * *

A sudden gust of wind throws the window open and there's no time to chastise his thoughts; Sasuke's headband, haphazardly thrown over a shelf, is tumbling down. Its metal plate, especially its angle, is going to hurt him.

With a swift, catlike motion Itachi jumps on the bed to block it.

The shifting on the mattress, though minimal, is enough to open Sasuke's eyes.

With a drowsy look he takes in the sight of his slightly worried brother on his knees, looming above him.

_Everyone says that they resemble each other in body and facial structure, but Sasuke sees more differences than similarities._

_To him his brother is the most beautiful person in the world. Everything about him is perfect. His fair, warm complexion, his silken hair, his chiseled abdomen, his bare chest, his strong arms._

_His nipples are hard and he has goose bumps; is it because of the wind or because of him?_

"You drank too much for a first time. How are you feeling?" Itachi asks, showing him the headband as an explanation.

Sasuke remembers to have thrown it somewhere it didn't belong the day before, during a momentary retreat from his crowded home, already intoxicated from the sake. And before that, from watching the elder drink graciously with the adults, completely at ease as if he had done it many times before, which made him feel left out, even inferior, so he tried to close the gap between them, doing that adult thing over and over, trying to master it so that his brother would do it with him too.

He spotted the headband later, going back to his room when the party was over, but then he had something else in mind.

He still has something else in mind.

_Like feeling Itachi's taste on his lips._

_Like replaying the kisses that left him breathless and the touches that left him aching for more._

"Headache's almost gone now," he replies groggily, stretching again beneath the elder.

_His arms above his head, his pale tempting body displayed like a work of art._

"It's your fault, niisan. You made me drink…" Sasuke smirks.

_Why did he say that? It's not his fault._

_Sasuke knows well that he drank because he wanted Itachi to pay more attention to him but didn't know how to ask for it._

"...And now you know the effects of alcohol and why it's one of the three ninja prohibitions," rebukes Itachi, half smiling.

_Itachi would have blamed himself even without Sasuke's comment._

_It's his fault for letting Sasuke drink._

_It's his fault for not preventing Sasuke from kissing him._

_It's his fault for kissing him back, kissing him harder, kissing him more._

He tries to get off the bed but Sasuke grabs his hand, with such unnecessary strength that Itachi loses his balance and falls on top of the younger.

_Sasuke's emotions are as strong and uncontrolled as his hands._

_Itachi's resolve to stay away from him is as precarious as his balance._

The elder leans on the other elbow so he won't weigh on his brother.

_So he won't close the little space between their bodies._

The plaque on the headband becomes warm between their hands.

"Do you need something, Sasuke?" Itachi's tone is more serious.

_Their mouths are too close; he can't risk to show Sasuke the extent of his desire._

_Even if Sasuke is the one arousing it, because he doesn't understand._

"Just stay here" Sasuke mutters.

The elder pretends that he hasn't heard anything, that he hasn't noticed those eyes begging him to stay.

He would move but Sasuke's legs entwine around his own, preventing him to get up and walk away.

"Sasuke…"

Itachi sighs, not sure about what to say.

Especially not when Sasuke is arching his back beneath him.

"Stay with me, niisan…"

He's not just stretching his muscles anymore; he's trying to reach him. He's striving to connect with him.

They both shiver when their bare chests touch.

_Yet their skin burn at the contact._

Sasuke doesn't speak. He just moves, carefully watching Itachi watching him.

Then, his face turns towards his brother's right arm.

Itachi can't help but admire the curve of his tense neck, the blue veins under his pale skin, his jawline, his graceful profile. He is so focused on details that he shouldn't notice, that he doesn't stop the boy from placing his lips on his inner forearm.

It's a light peck, as if he wants to apologize.

Only it soon becomes heavier.

Tightly holding Itachi's wrist, thus preventing all his movements, Sasuke arches towards him again, staring at him and biting his lip, exposed yet determined.

_Determined to do what? He can't possibly know._

_That's what big brothers are there for. To guide their younger brothers, to protect them..._

When their groins touch Itachi tries to downplay the fact that the boy is hard.

_He is young, confused and still intoxicated._

It's not easy to dismiss that sensation, when _his own brother_ keeps arching under him, pressuring Itachi to come lower, until lower he comes, without even realizing.

"Sasuke. Stop." Itachi commands, his words contradicting his body topping the boy's, only shifting a little so that their groins won't come into direct contact again.

_It's hard to not give in to the pleasure of such an intimate touch._

_It's hard to be unresponsive when on top of someone so beautiful, so eager, so willing._

_So forbidden._

He decides to pin the younger down and make him stop but his arms and legs are trapped in the boy's hold, so he replaces them with his body.

He feels Sasuke's abdomen twitching at first, then relaxing. He moans deeply as he takes all of his weight.

_His tempting voice_ _makes Itachi almost overlook the fact that the boy's first reaction was flexing his muscles as if it were a fight, which means that he is not sure of what he wants yet._

_Which means that no matter what he does and what he says, he needs guidance and protection from him only._

Judging by his look the boy likes to be crushed under him.

_Or maybe he knows better than Itachi how pointless it is to resist, especially when the elder's cock is pressing against his stomach and becomes harder and harder each time he moves, no matter how strongly he is being pinned down._

"No." the younger underlines his reply with an upwards thrust, following Itachi who shifts again, visibly shivering when their crotches touch.

His lips parted, he stifles a moan, unlike Sasuke.

_He tells himself that he should move away no matter how strong is Sasuke's grip on his limbs, no matter how strong is his grip on Sasuke's heart._

_He tells himself that he is older and more experienced thus he should be wiser._

_He tells himself that he must protect Sasuke, not taint him._

_He tells himself that it's hard to get free from Sasuke's steely grasp without hurting him_.

Itachi stays still, breathing deeply and slowly, trying to ignore _everything_ , from the boy's maneuvers beneath him, to his angry expression, for Sasuke can take his reproaches but not his indifference; from the frustrated bite on his forearm to, as he lifts said forearm, Sasuke pulling his hand over his lips, kissing the tip of his fingers, one by one.

The gesture lacks the lascivious simulation of another intimate act, yet the boy's lustful and at the same time innocent gaze turns it into something much more enticing.

_Itachi knows well that the boy doesn't have any experience and he's not seducing him; he's just following his heart along the trail of his desire._

So enticing that even if Itachi's mind repeats over and over the principles he _must_ follow, the borders he _mustn't_ cross, his hips start moving in synch with Sasuke's.

_He can't lose control. He must not give in to that pleasure or Sasuke will demand more._

_Or he will demand more._

"You don't know what you want..."

He says huskily when his voice should sound stern.

"You don't know what you're doing..."

_You don't know what you're doing to me._

Sasuke doesn't reply.

_Maybe he didn't even hear his words. Maybe, as his eyes are lost into his older brother's torn look, as his face is caged between the other's long silken locks, as their bodies are rocking at the same sensuous pace, his ears only heard the desire dripping from Itachi's voice._

"You don't understand what this means..."

The elder reiterates.

"Whatever. I don't care."

Sasuke snarkily retorts.

His lips stay parted, inviting Itachi to seal them with his own, like he did yesterday, but unlike yesterday, even if the elder craves to obey to that silent command he can't fall into that exquisite temptation again and taint his brother with his selfish want.

_He must be wiser than the beautiful pale boy with a raging storm in his eyes. He must protect the boy who made him a real human again._

With his free hand _–fingers still tingling for his butterfly kisses –_ he caresses Sasuke's face.

_A gesture that during their childhood meant affection. A gesture that now is conveying his desire, regret, fear. Love._

He traces those lips that want him so badly.

_That he wants so badly._

* * *

Itachi almost misses the flicker of fear in Sasuke's dark eyes, widely opened when his mouth is covered by his brother's hand.

_Not to abuse him, not to silence him, but to avoid looking at those tempting lips or the elder will plunge into them, losing his reason and making Sasuke lose his own self._

_His unpredictable gesture shocks the boy, who remembers a past where Itachi gripped his throat and whispered cruel, goading words, so much that he goes numb and still, so much that the elder wonders if he went too far, so much that he asks himself if he made it, changing Sasuke's mind, even if the hard way._

_So much that despite the elder doesn't remember, the sight of the younger's expression reminds him of the many things he ignores about his brother, and he would like to ask, he would like to know everything that hurt him, he would like to know how much he hurt him because he can feel it, he can see it even now._

Then, the boy he rocks his hips beneath him once again, his dark eyes half-closed and lustful, his soft lips slightly parted under the elder's clamped shut fingers, his hard cock rubbing against Itachi's, sending shivers down his spine, as he keeps thrusting upwards, under his brother's weight.

Just like he didn't expect Itachi's hand on his mouth, Sasuke doesn't expect him grinding back with greater and relentless strength.

He doesn't expect his grip on the elder to be countered so easily.

_Itachi is strong, stronger than him. Itachi is perfect._

He spreads his legs to give him more access to every inch of his body _–the thin fabric of their clothes feeling suddenly heavy –_ urging him to go faster, deeper, as his free hand roams over his back, teeth graze his fingers, tongue draws circles over them, between muffled moans.

He can't help entangling his fingers in Itachi's hair and pull his face lower, closer, not caring that it can't reach his covered mouth.

He holds his breath when their noses brush and Itachi's lips press against his own hand, while Sasuke's mouth and body become so demanding that the elder's fingers twitch, unwillingly splaying between index and middle finger, until the tip of their tongues brush, and everything seems to stop for a moment, every sensation they've felt seems enhanced and it would be easy to part fingers a little more so to give mouth to mouth access to the craving boy.

_So to obtain mouth to mouth access to satisfy his craving for the boy._

It would be easy to remove the hand even, and kiss him hard and mark his perfect pale skin and grind him deep into the mattress.

But it would be wrong.

_In the back of his mind, even if his desire silenced them so far, Sasuke's words resonate like an echo despite having been uttered with a different purpose._

_"Whatever, I don't care."_

_"It's your fault, niisan."_

_Indeed it's Itachi's fault for not being strong enough to suppress everything he feels._

_Indeed it's his fault for not having succeeded in making Sasuke understand the meaning and the repercussions of his –their –desires._

_Indeed it's his fault for not having tried harder to avoid forbidden actions._

_Indeed it's his fault for having overlapped their hands, their bodies, their lips, only putting something in between them –a metal plaque, fabric, a hand –as if it were enough for them so not to melt into each other._

_Everything is his fault._

_He's Sasuke's brother, he can't be anything else. He can't want anything else._

"You may not care about what _this_ means, but I _must_ , Sasuke."

Itachi mutters as he abruptly and forcefully frees himself from his hold, placing the headband on the farthest corner of the bed.

The temperature in the house seems colder now that their bodies are no longer connected.

"For your own good."

His wrist is no longer visibly restrained but the other, invisible, unbreakable chain still binds him to the boy whose pale face is now flushed, whose taut body is still waiting for him to give shape to his desire _–to his need –_ of him, whose eyes, begging him to come back, he chooses to ignore.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic's pace is slow but things are happening.
> 
> Clothed sex, heavy petting, "dry sex" or whatever you call it is an underused but so intriguing thing to write. It's sensual and intense, it's a sort of tug-of-war, between Itachi and Sasuke, their different perspectives and desires (are they so different?), and between the "righteous" brotherly life and something more.
> 
> Intercourse often represents the resolution of a pre-existing tension, sexual or emotional. I didn't want to resolve theirs, yet. I preferred to follow their internal turmoil (Sasuke's need for Itachi, his naivete, his inexperience, and Itachi's guilt for being attracted to his brother and having to behave like a good brother instead) in all his rollercoaster-like path, with its ups and downs, the moments it feels ok to lose themselves in sensations and feelings, and the moments the mind forbids to go further.
> 
> Also, Itachi's controlling nature is brought to surface when he covers Sasuke's mouth and despite noticing his momentary fear, doesn't remove it, caught up as he is in his idea of protecting Sasuke from his own desire (from his desires mostly). Just like he did when he accepted to become a shinobi again despite Sasuke was against it at first. My idea of Itachi is someone who loves Sasuke immensely, so much that to protect him he doesn't hesitate to do what has to be done, even if Sasuke himself wouldn't want him to.
> 
> And Sasuke here has a moment of fear triggered by Itachi but it soon ends...or not. I see Sasuke as someone with a masochistic streak after all.
> 
> With next chapter part 1 of this story will end and part 2 will start. Same universe, same plot, same everything. I decided to divide them nevertheless, as if there was a season 1 and a season 2.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This particular chapter features the Raikage, whose name is apparently A and I had no idea.

> " _The nation's in disorder_
> 
> _There's chaos in my heart_
> 
> _We've got to get together_
> 
> _Before we fall apart"_
> 
> _(Marc Almond - Tears Run Rings)_

 

Sasuke keeps hearing Itachi's words - _You may not care about what this means, but I must, Sasuke. For your own good-_ until he makes it out of his bed, out of his stupor.

_It's weird to not be pressed against the mattress anymore._

_He feels unpleasantly weightless, floating anchorless, now that Itachi's body on no longer top of him._

"Then tell me!"

He yells, reaching Itachi's room, where the elder retreated to change clothes and prepare himself for the day.

_Shielding himself with a stiffer, thicker fabric, breathing slowly, to regain control of his senses, intoxicated by Sasuke's body arching beneath him._

"Tell me what _this_ means and why it matters more than you and I and what we want!"

He comes closer.

"Because it's not just want _this_ almost as much as I do."

_You're wrong, little brother. I want this maybe even more than you do, because I know exactly what this is, unlike you._

"You want me."

These words, heavy with sensual undertones, sound purer and deeper on Sasuke's mouth.

He isn't referring to a momentary gratification of the senses through his flesh; he's referring to his whole self, to that flesh and blood as well as his heart and soul.

_And Itachi knows it well, because he feels the same way._

_That's why it's so hard to keep his distance._

Sasuke brushes Itachi's back, it's a feather-light touch that only reaches his brother's shirt.

"Am I wrong, brother?"

Itachi stands still, mute, his body faintly recoiling.

"Then why are you rejecting me?

Sasuke insists.

"You just said it yourself, Sasuke. We are brothers."

He instinctively takes one step back as Itachi turns around.

"Should we cross that border a part of yourself would be forever taken away from you, by the one who should protect you. How could I do this to you when I swore I'd never let anything bad happen to you?"

_I swore it to myself, in the silence of my soul, as I watched you sleep the first night we spent together._

_I kept hearing it in my head when my thoughts were jumbled as you came to me._

_The boy must not suffer._

"Why is it be bad if I'm asking for it?

_Because you see it through your pure eyes._

"I love you...isn't this enough?"

_Since Itachi came back and noticed how starved of love his brother was, he was he made sure that he would often hear his saying it._

_He felt a pang of guilt every time the boy's eyes widened in surprise, receiving his affection._

_At first he was so taken aback that he didn't say anything at all. Then, he lowered his gaze, happiness showing through a soft smile. Then again, he started saying it back._

_He never said it first but it wasn't a problem for Itachi, who was well aware that he expressed it in many other wordless ways._

_Now that he did, Itachi almost wishes he hadn't._

"You love me like a brother."

The elder finally points out, only to be cut short by the younger.

"Love is love. You said it yourself, _brother_."

_Sasuke was busy writing a report when he told Karin those words._

_She was surprised at how her feelings towards Suigetsu had changed; Itachi replied that they hadn't changed at all, she just became aware of them._

" _Love is love," he explained, "the only difference is how you express it. Some ways are influenced by culture and societal rules, others are peculiar to the individual or the group they belong, but the feeling that someone is so important that you can't imagine your life without them, is the same."_

" _Ever since I arrived here I knew you loved him," he added, smiling, "You used to express that love by bickering with him. Now you express it more gently as well."_

_Itachi is surprised by how his brother picks up every little thing he says and does._

_He can't remember that he already noticed the same characteristics when they met at the inn and the boy ran towards him, his power still raw, yelling the exact words he pronounced the night of the massacre, and during their final fight, when he quoted his mention of the Uchiha stone and the third remaining sharingan possessor._

"You are confused," Itachi shakes his head, "because we've been apart for so long...because I was dead. You are overjoyed of this miraculous second chance we've been given, but you're also afraid that it might end and I might disappear again."

His tone is even. His look firm. His words, almost rational.

"What about _you_? Why did you kiss me back and... _everything else_? _"_

_Why did you seem so eager when you responded to my approach, flipping me around against the door and deepening the kiss in a way I didn't know was even possible?_

_Why did you keep me pressed against the bed, grinding against me, struggling not to kiss me again?_

"You are not the only one who's confused, overjoyed and afraid at the same time..."

_Love is love, the only difference is how it is expressed._

_However society is clear about how siblings are supposed to act towards each other._

_How weird that the violation of such limits is such a rare, almost unthinkable occurrence that is commonly defined as immoral, even disgusting, completely different from what they feel._

"...But there is no excuse for my lack of self restraint, and I apologize for what I did."

"What we did." Sasuke rectifies but Itachi shakes his head.

"No. I'm an adult, I took advantage of you."

"I am an adult too!" Sasuke cries out.

"I fought a war! I killed people!"

As he breathes heavily through his nostrils, his fists tightly clenched in frustration, Itachi sees the exact opposite of what he claimed to be, a pure, innocent soul who suffered too much.

_A pure, innocent soul that he loves so much, more than he could ever explain._

"In a war-torn country where everyone is a shinobi it only means that you had no other choice..."

The elder explains softly.

He can't remember that his childhood was marked by a war, where he had to kill people.

_Sasuke remembers, instead._

_In one of his childhood memories he is crouching in the garden, staring at a colony of ants carrying seeds in their anthill, musing that they must see each blade of grass in their route, like the tall trees in the woods where he and Itachi play hide-and-seek._

_Then, he hears his brother's voice in the main room. He is discussing with their father, who's praising his latest mission's success while pointing out that if he had killed the target on sight, he wouldn't be injured now._

_Itachi replies that they're no longer at war, besides, the order was to take him to the interrogation squad._

_When he comes out in the garden he looks tense, almost in pain. Maybe it's the wound, maybe his father's words._

" _Niisan..does your arm hurt very much?"_

_Sasuke remembers asking, careful not to run towards him and hug him tight like he usually does._

" _Not much," Itachi replies, patting his head and ruffling his hair. "I'm actually glad I got this," he continues, smiling when he crosses his little brother's stupefied look, "I'm glad that I was ordered to keep the target alive."_

_In Sasuke's childish mind, killing was a vague concept related to a shinobi's duty._

_Only later he understood what it really meant, and what it must have meant for his brother, forced to kill from the age of four, to protect his clan, to protect his village, and finally to protect his little brother._

"I don't care about anyone else but you."

Sasuke's look is determined, his voice clear. He points his fist to his bare chest.

_As if he could tear his heart out to give it to Itachi._

"I don't want anyone else but you. I thank fate every day, for having brought you back into my life. I cherish every single moment we spend together and I am proud and grateful and happy to be your brother. And...something else. I don't know why or how or since when but I want _more_. I want to get _closer_ , I want you to get _closer_ to me. Even when you hug me, even when we sleep together and you hold me, I feel like I need more of that contact, more of you...this is how much I love you, Itachi. How can this be wrong if it feels so natural?"

"Sasuke..."

Itachi mutters, at a loss for words after his brother's heartfelt confession.

_He feels the same for Sasuke, only he knows that he's not as pure as him._

_He can see it in the mirror reflecting a young man, though older than the boy._

_He can feel it in his body where the scars have been erased only in the surface._

_He was an infiltrate in a terrorist organization. Some of his current comrades are scared of him. He doesn't know the details but he knows that he did bad things._

_Even to Sasuke._

_Thus he can't harm him again._

_Not even with his love, expressed in the wrong way._

_Love is love. Expressing it within the limits allowed to brothers doesn't mean loving each other less._

* * *

They are interrupted by Shiro wailing and scratching the door.

He does this every time Kakashi visits. He was almost a part of his pack, after all.

"Sorry to interrupt your day off but the Hokage required Itachi Uchiha's help so..."

_It's irrational but a corner of Itachi's mind hopes that putting the recent events aside and resume their everyday life will make things return as they were, erasing the drunken kisses, the manoeuvres to get closer and closer, their bodies grinding against, arching towards the other from the life of two brothers finally reunited after many years._

_Itachi loves every single moment of that routine: he loves to wake up earlier than Sasuke. He loves how the boy always joins him in the kitchen asking why he hasn't woken him up so he could help prepare breakfast. He loves doing every little household task together, as if they were just pretexts for conversation, reminiscing, musing or just enjoying his company._

_He loves teaming up with his little brother, protecting him on mission, watching his back as he casts his jutsu, even though the boy is strong enough to protect himself._

_He doesn't want to taint his brother's pure soul and lose all this._

Itachi invites Kakashi in and heads for his room to put on the rest of the uniform, but the other tells him that he only needs to put his shoes on, because he's not going to wear his usual gear.

"What is he going to wear?"

Sasuke interrupts, not bothering to show up in pajama pants, messy wet hair and stormy eyes.

"Ah Sasuke, you look terrible," the jounin grins, "do you know which is the best hangover remedy?"

"I'm fine," the boy scoffs, like he used to do during his genin days, every time he was sick, "what's going on?"

Kakashi explains that the Raikage arrived unofficially. It's not the first time he barges unannounced in another village; apparently he wants to verify with his own eyes if the other countries in the Council are respecting the new common rules just like they respect them. This time though, his brother came along to meet Naruto and disguising his brotherly protectiveness with the fact that being Killer B a jinchuuriki he might still be targeted, he requested a large amount of Anbu escorting him around. To make things worse, there is a shortage of Black Ops, as the new system didn't have to be founded on secret assassinations anymore, and to protect the Hokage and other special tasks a lesser number of them was enough, so many of them were employed as regular shinobi.

"...So Itachi's going to wear Anbu gear today."

Kakashi ends, pointing at the one he's wearing as well. Before Sasuke objects -the man knows he will and he knows why and what he'll say- he speaks again:

"There is nothing to be worried about, your brother is in good hands. I was his team leader when he entered Anbu, after all. I was so disappointed when he was moved from my team..."

His tone is deliberately dramatic, to capture Sasuke's attention before he reacts on impulse.

"You were a genius, Itachi, and your team's missions were always successful, but I always thought that you were too young, and that it would have been better for you to share the pressure put upon your shoulders with your senpai..."

Sasuke understands. The elder is asking him to trust him, because he would have wanted to help Itachi back then.

_Helping Itachi would have helped him too, to deal with his losses in a better way, instead he was blinded by pain and he failed to see Danzo's ordeal._

"If there's a shortage of Anbu I'll come too."

Sasuke states.

"Oh, how nice of you to offer your help. But no, thanks. You don't have the tattoo and we don't want a stickler for the rules such as the Raikage to consider us sloppy, and we're already on a hurry..."

Kakashi says, rising from the chair and heading for the door with Itachi, who glances back at his brother before turning his back to him.

"...Besides you have another mission too. Just stay here and wait."

When he opens the door Sai is waiting outside. He, too, is wearing Anbu gear.

"I did as you instructed. They're on their way, senpai."

"Good job. Thanks, Sai."

Kakashi pats the other's shoulder before the three disappear in a puff of smoke.

* * *

Sasuke is still in the entryway, idly petting Shiro, sitting by the stair as if he was about to wear his shoes and follow his brother, when he notices familiar voices outside.

"Oi Sasuke, let us in!"

"I sense your chakra, I know you're here! I'm going to tear the damn door down if you don't open it now!"

"Hey, guys, calm down!"

When Sasuke opens his former team almost runs him over, except for Juugo, who remarks that he'll catch a cold if he doesn't wear a shirt, and politely hands him a scroll saying: "Your mission is to stay at home with former team Taka as long as the Raikage's visit lasts. It's troublesome but look at the bright side: you'll be payed for doing nothing".

_In the bottom corner of the paper Kakashi's incredibly small handwriting says: "I'm not going to let anything happen to your brother"._

In the main room, Suigetsu asks for a blanket, a glass of water and pills for the headache, unceremoniously throwing a few pillows to the ground to resume the sleeping he was deprived of.

From the adjacent kitchen, Karin yells him to come eat something because eating is the only cure for hangover, lack of sleep and everything else. In fact, she's already rummaging in cabinets and drawers, while Juugo is sitting at the table with Shiro on his lap.

Sasuke joins them as soon as he put on the first day clothes he could find, a pair of dark colored pants and a white top. When he notices that the pants he's wearing are hanging a little too low so they must be Itachi's, he's already in the kitchen and Karin is handing him a plate, Suigetsu is making fun of the Raikage's coward rapper of a brother, while Juugo is reminding him that they were actually defeated by Killer B.

Sasuke eats a few bites, not quite listening to his friends, his mind caught between their discussion and Itachi's current mission, his heart silently praying that he'll be alright, that no one will disrespect him, that wearing the Anbu uniform won't trigger his memories back.

_Itachi saw Anbu as soon as he arrived to Konoha and no memory returned, but memories are often triggered by sensory details, so Sasuke hopes that the feel of those particular arms and shin guards, the cold porcelain against his face won't make him remember._

_He hopes that when Itachi will come back he will be the same as when he left._

_Even if that same person rejected him, after having kissed him with the same hungry desperate need that he felt._

* * *

In the meeting room the Raikage meets Konoha clans' leaders, who now replace the elders in discussing the village affairs, while Itachi and Sai are guarding the building's main entrance.

When most guests leave, in the room only Tsunade, Shizune, the Kirigakure leader and his support Shi remain. And Kakashi, his face covered by the porcelain despite knowing that the Lightning Country's strongest sensor recognized him since the start.

"So, peace is taking its toll on the Leaf uh? Did your Anbu mass-resign or what, to demote the Third Division Commander of the Allied Shinobi Forces to your bodyguard?"

The man teases.

"I bet you'd be happy about it," Tsunade teases back, "But the Leaf shinobi are the most required after the war...even from your country!"

She adds, grinning.

"It's just the novelty factor. Don't get our hopes too high on this to last!"

The rivalry banter lasts for a few more exchanges, during which the Raikage gestures Kakashi to sit with them, well knowing that he's going to be the next Hokage.

There's a pause in the natural flow of the conversation, before he speaks again.

"So what about Uchiha Itachi?"

_There he is, Kakashi was sure he would mention him._

"You can see him for yourself if you look outside..."

Kakashi points at the window facing the entrance.

"Get him in here, I want to meet him."

His tone is serious; he won't take no for an answer.

"What the hell, A? Is this the reason you came?"

Tsunade objects.

"What's wrong with my request? As the representative of an allied country I have the right to see if he is a potential threat or not, with my own eyes. I read the reports, I won't interfere with what you told him so far!"

The Hokage is visibly irritated. Her relationship with the Raikage was rocky since the start, when he refused to let Naruto and his brother join the battle, but despite their differences they cooperated, accepted and sometimes admired the way the other dealt with situations. The Uchiha issue wasn't one of those. He was hostile to Sasuke no matter how many times she, Naruto and Gaara defended his case, and since Itachi's return his mistrust of both brothers had increased.

She is also worried, because Kakashi had discouraged her from assigning Itachi to a task that would bring him too close to someone with such a low opinion of him. It was too early to risk such encounter, he told her, but she was feeling optimistic, like her grandfather had been before her.

Now she wishes she listened to her advisor, and wonders if she should let him take her position sooner than she intended.

* * *

Karin wasn't lying when she said that her cure for hangover, tiredness and everything else was to eat non-stop. Unluckily for her there isn't much food in the house, thus she raids whatever she can find, from leftovers to plain rice, even putting together the meager remains of the party drinks, not even enough for a pleasant buzz.

Suigetsu calls her freeloader, she yells at him because they all ate the food the cooked, including the dog, Sasuke silences both, as the food was his, his brother's and Shiro's in the first place.

Juugo proposes to send Shiro to alert the neighbour that they need help, but she is not at home.

As Sasuke follows his friends' antics he remembers what he and his brother intended to do today: celebrate his birthday again, privately, quietly. They would have bought some groceries, Itachi would have cooked his favourite foods, and they would have enjoyed each other's company.

_He wonders if this would have happened anyway._

_Probably not, because he pulled his brother on top of him longing for a kiss and a deeper contact._

_No matter what he saw in his eyes, no matter what he felt in his body, probably his brother was better without him today. Probably he will no longer want to spend time with him, because of his actions._

_For a moment, Sasuke feels like drowning in a deep dark sea of nothingness, the same he drowned every night, before Itachi came back into his life._

* * *

When Itachi was summoned in the meeting room and ordered to remove his mask he didn't expect to be questioned about the basics of shinobi duties and his knowledge of the world, nothing hard for someone who read as much as he did, until the Raikage decided to make things difficult, creating hypothetical scenarios to test his ethics.

Definitely not a strategist, he came to talk to Itachi with no specific questions in mind, only to understand what kind of person he is. Frustrated by the Uchiha's stoic expression and his lack of emotional response, he insists: who would he save if both his village and his brother were at stake?

"Theoretical knowledge is an important guideline, but when the subject is human behavior it can't be considered completely reliable. In this regard, even the Lord Raikage hesitated before sending his beloved brother to war..."

Itachi's clever, thorough reply is a hard blow to his pride: it doesn't matter that he delivered it politely.

"Are you accusing me of something, Uchiha Itachi?"

The Raikage towers over the lean young man, not in the least intimidated by his size and threatening attitude.

"My sincerest apologies if my perplexity over the difference between a hypothetical question and the strategy decided by the Lord Hokage during the war seemed an accusation. It wasn't my intention."

The man sits down again as Itachi gracefully bows his head.

"Perplexity, eh? Do you have anything to ask me?"

A deeper, longer bow would have been more appropriate, he judges, hence his further, irritated question.

"Yes," Itachi replies, politely waiting for the other to nod before opening his mouth again:

"Did I know the Raikage in my...past life?"

He asks, not addressing him directly as a sign of respect for his higher status. The man shakes his head.

"Then why such hostility?"

Kakashi, Tsunade, everyone assisting to the conversation of the two men at the opposite end of the table, is taken aback.

"I know your brother," the Raikage says, pointing at his severed arm, "he gave me this."

"I am sorry for your arm..." Itachi's consequent bow is deeper and longer this time.

"Yet according to the new Shinobi Union chart, in order to stop supporting a hostile mentality, as a sign of goodwill and cooperation, every war crime committed by shinobi from the Five Big Countries is pardoned, and retaliation against these crimes or their perpetrators is declared against the law..."

He calmly replies, but the Raikage retorts:

"This isn't a war crime, or a retaliation, and Sasuke wasn't an allied shinobi. He was a rogue breaking in during an important meeting, only to wreak havoc."

"Why would Sasuke..."

_No one rectified those words so it must be true, he thinks._

_When his brother stood proudly before him, to announce that he avenged their parent, Itachi would have liked to know everything, but then Sasuke's hardened look had cracked and the storm in his eyes was started raging again , so despite all the questions, despite the confusion, despite the pain and the guilt that were racking his heart, the elder didn't ask._

_In fact he promised not to._

_He couldn't let the boy suffer any more than he already did._

When the raging Kage attacks the Uchiha who dares doubt his word, Itachi explains that there must be something more behind that incident, a reason why his brother, whom he, his comrades and superiors know as nothing but a honest, hardworking and loyal shinobi, committed such a crime.

"You are the reason!"

The Raikage rumbled, preventing Tsunade and Kakashi from interrupting.

"A good shinobi? Your brother is trouble! I wanted him arrested after the war, not pardoned. Luckily for him, his friends defended his cause," he continues, looking at the Hokage and her counsellor.

"I don't know the details of your classified mission, but your brother was out to avenge you. He deserted his village and associated with its enemies. He went on a rampage, killing countless soldiers. He tried to abduct my brother. Everything in your name."

"How dare you? He was crucial to win the war!"

Tsunade screams, outraged, while Itachi stays silent, his straight back and impeccable composure not letting out the anger of hearing his brother demeaned with such animosity.

_More than once he heard Suigetsu bringing up past episodes where Sasuke didn't let him kill an opponent; not even once, since they started working together, his brother showed a taste for unnecessary violence or chaos._

_When he went on mission in a place that had suffered victims, he attended to their funeral. He often gave his food to stray animals._

_How could such gentle soul be a killer?_

"May I speak freely?"

Itachi asks.

"I was away on a long mission to protect the village from afar. I left Sasuke alone, with no guidance. He has no fault. I am guilty, instead."

_Itachi would like to ask him if this the right answer to his simplistic ethical question, but the Raikage wouldn't even understand what he is implying. Probably he'd only see one side of his answer._

_He wonders if he would see the side that was ready to sacrifice a brother for the village, or the side that is now blaming himself for it._

"I'll take all the blame for my brother's actions. If you want to accuse someone, accuse me. If you want to punish someone, punish me."

He holds out his arm. A clear offering to appease the man for his lost limb.

"You're brave and more honest than I expected, Uchiha, I'll give you that. But I don't care that your brother had no guidance. There are plenty of shinobi who had no guidance but they didn't go insane or turn into traitors!"

The Raikage retorts.

"With all due respect," Itachi interrupts him, a hand balled into a fist, "I can't let the Raikage discharge his rage on Sasuke any longer."

His hands return to a loose position.

"I am sure that the Raikage understands, being an older brother himself, that I have to protect my younger brother, who already suffered immensely, and whose behavior is perfectly compliant with what's required of a shinobi."

His back remains straight, no sign of respectful bowing.

"I won't let anyone harm Sasuke."

He stares at the big man, unwavering, unafraid. His body language, filtered through the posture required of a shinobi, doesn't show aggressiveness or provocation. He's just stating the inevitable facts.

_Not even Sasuke, instructed to stay silent and trust his friends, talked back to the Raikage during the trial, Kakashi recalls, musing that the Itachi who worked with him many years before would have never said such things. Not even when he had to report to Danzo and the elders, and he was forced to listen to their prejudicial insults against his clansmen._

_His behavior is not completely unexpected though: even if Itachi doesn't remember, after the massacre he threatened Danzo to spill Konoha's secrets should he harm Sasuke._

_Kakashi had this in mind when he advised Tsunade against employing him today._

* * *

When Killer B and Naruto arrive at the Hokage's office Tsunade yells at the jinchuuriki to take his brother and leave immediately before she starts beating him up so hard that no diplomacy will prevent a new war from starting.

_She feels betrayed by someone she considered almost a friend, after all they went through, and she wonders how her grandfather remained optimistic, when everyone around him was so cynical._

Kakashi and Itachi take their leave soon after. It's late, but when the elder is about to part ways the younger stops him:

"Wait, senpai. You owe me an explanation."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:
> 
> sorry for taking so long to upload this chapter, but the good news is that the next one will be posted very very soon. I decided to write this fic maybe 2 years ago, I planned out each chapter, I noted down all the random dialogues and scenes that kept coming in my head, but as I was writing this chapter it came out twice as long as I intended, and I split it in two, so there will be more notes and explanations when the other will be uploaded.
> 
> In case someone has a problem with Itachi and the way he reacted in this chapter, he has no memory, thus no guilt for the massacre, and his loyalty is towards Konoha not because an abstract will of fire, but because they welcomed him kindly and most of it all because they are Sasuke's comrades, mentors and superiors, and they were kind to him.
> 
> As Itachi came back he was given a "light" version of his past life, on Sasuke's demand, and what he knows are not Konoha's past injustices, the elders, Danzo, Hiruzen. He only knows Tsunade's efforts to change the system. He also experienced some distrust by some comrades so he knows that he did something, but he was told he was an infiltrate in a terrorist organization so he assumes it's that. He knows Sasuke suffered but he assumes it's because he left for that mission, no other detail. So hearing the Raikage talk ill about his brother makes him angry.
> 
> He is respectful and still a good shinobi but he is not the one who bowed silently before Danzo when they insulted the clan. He has a sharp tongue indeed. He had it in canon as well after all, even though he chose to spoke in a polite, vague manner.
> 
> In this story the system is not perfect but rulers like Tsunade and Gaara are really trying to change it, and Kakashi, who's going to be the future Hokage, support them actively. Others like Oonoki are still stuck into the past ways, and others like Mei or the Raikage, are focused on their own situation, and wary of everything that could threaten their peace.
> 
> Which, thinking about it, is the problem with country alliances, even in real life, because there is the risk to lose the power to make decisions, because the country must answer to the allies first, and more often than not there is a stronger country whose interests are not in the development of equality and cooperation, but they're just trying to push their own economic/political agenda at the expense of other countries.
> 
> I am usually anti-Konoha, for how they used to be and especially for how they became in the ending (or I should say how they didn't change at all, and how they all manipulated Sasuke, in fact brainwashing him to keep him on a leash), but in this fic I tried to highlight the good potential of almost everything and everyone. After all Naruto is my favourite manga/anime, I love most of its characters and my anger is directed at kishimoto, who destroyed so many characters' development and potential. Like Team Taka, my favourite team.
> 
> On a different note, something surprised me: as I was finishing writing this chapter (including the following one) I stumbled on the amazing Revived AU Uchiha Clan AU by eeliiii on tumblr. It has a different, original plot that and they mentioned my fanfics ("What He Wanted" and "In The Dark") among their inspirations. At the same time, I found that the Itachi I'm writing in this fic, especially in this chapter and the ones that will follow, despite the different context has a lot in common with theirs, so I hope they'll like this fic as well.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dedicate this chapter to eeliiii, her amazing art and the many spooky coincidences :)
> 
> With this chapter I close the first part of this story. See it as the ending of season 1. Part 2 will be uploaded under the title "In Power We Entrust The Love Advocated 2", simple as that, even though it will continue narrating this AU with no timeskips or anything. The reason why I decided to split it in 2 parts is because I feel that part 2 is like a second season for themes and a slightly darker content, and the writing might or might not be more drabble oriented, as I first intended, since I wanted it to be a collection of fragmentary drabbles following this plot, but as I started writing not just Sasuke and Itachi but other characters had a voice and a story to tell, so it got longer.  
> Other than that, part 2 will describe the new development of the relationship between Itachi and Sasuke, so Itasasu fans will have something to enjoy. And to be anxious about, because..uh, of things.  
> I hope to be able to upload the first chapter soon, but my soon is relative. I am also writing 2 more fics, and the way I write is a slow one anyway. Even if I have it all planned, I wait for the dialogues and the scenes to fully form in my head before I write them down.  
> 

 

> " _When you caught my eye, I saw everywhere I'd been and wanna go to_
> 
> _You came on your own, that's how you'll leave_
> 
> _With hope in your hands and air to breathe" (Editors, An End Has A Start)_

 

The dango shop is closing, nevertheless the waitress welcomes the late costumers and tells them to enjoy their tea and do not mind her cleaning up the tables. She smiles at the two Anbu, one with silver unruly hair and a partially covered face that doesn't hide his charm, the other with noble features, piercing eyes and dark luscious hair tied in a low ponytail.

_Kakashi once spotted him standing in front of this shop, looking inside._

_He approached him, carefully hiding the anxiety of seeing him too close to the very shop that he visited, after Hiruzen died._

_With relief he learned that Itachi was just curious to try their dango after Ino recommended them, during his regular examination._

"You made me read about the Five Countries and how things were before the Shinobi Alliance." Itachi starts.

"Despite their differences they had one thing in common: they all neglected orphans. In the Hidden Mist the weak ones were killed, the others forcibly turned into spies. In Iwa they were sent to suicide missions. In the Hidden Cloud and in the Sand they were assigned the most dangerous jobs. In Konoha they became fodder for shady divisions. A few of them, whose name and potential could not be forgotten, were given a house and some money. From the outside they lived like every other children. Yet they were alone."

The books didn't report this sort of information so clearly, Kakashi remarks. Itachi used his own insight, reading between documents' lines and observing people around him, to describe the situation with an uncanny precision.

"My brother was among the lucky ones: his kekkei genkai made him valuable and our parents died later, compared to other orphans."

_Would his reasoning be just as clear if he knew that he killed them to spare Sasuke's life? Kakashi wonders._

"I can't remember my lifelong mission, but that the fact I accepted it was a proof of my loyalty towards the village."

Kakashi nods, eye fixed on Itachi's long fingers curled around the cup.

"The only thing I could vaguely remember, even before Sasuke found me, was a voice. No words, just sound. The sound of _his_ voice. This means that Sasuke has always been the most important person in my life."

_More than he can imagine._

_Kakashi knows what it's like to sacrifice everything for an important person. Not just because he shielded his friend from an enemy -he lost an eye for that, not his life -but because that friend gave his life to save him, and his last thought before dying was giving him his eye as a last gift, and even when after life brought them together again, fighting side by side, Obito protected him with his life and beyond._

"It's legitimate to infer that before I accepted to leave the most important person in my life, I made sure that he would be taken care of with the same dedication I had for my mission, with the same loyalty I had for my village."

Itachi studies the other man's neutral expression.

"Then why was wasn't he treated that way?"

Kakashi knew that this would happen sooner or later. There is no embarrassment in his tone as he replies, and no hesitation, for he knows that this conversation _-this confession-_ will be for his own good.

"Itachi, I owe you an apology. It's my fault...it's all my fault."

_How weird that the words that he never told anyone, not even Sasuke, for he felt too ashamed to even try, roll off his mouth so naturally._

"My mother died before I can remember. When my father committed suicide I had to fend for myself even though I was completely alone. The only thing that kept me stable, that gave me a purpose, was respecting the rules. My father had died because he hadn't respected them, so if I respected them everything will be alright, I told myself. With time, and thanks to a friend, I opened up and realized what really matters. Who really matters...until I lost them."

He sighs, apologetically looking at his former subordinate.

_He should have shared a little of his burden during his Anbu days, instead he chose not to look past Itachi's perfect record, as plagues as he was by nightmares with Rin and Obito's deaths._

"Sasuke reminded me of myself as a kid. Unlike Naruto he was good at everything, he was orderly, punctual, disciplined. He respected the rules, just like me, so I thought that he would have been _fine_ if he stuck to the rules and accepted his comrades'...Had I been a better teacher I would have seen that Sasuke hid his pain so not to be considered weak, but he unwillingly showed signs of it all the time. I would have understood that while I wanted to forget about my father, he wanted to remember his family. That while I found stability in respecting the rules, he did so in seeking strength."

_He can't tell Itachi that the reason he sought strength was to kill him and avenge his family._

"Only when he left I realized how different we were, and how differently I should have been with him. I was his teacher, his mentor. He looked up to me because I was the most similar to you, but I was too focused on my own losses to realize it."

_Naruto had Iruka who took him out for ramen and paid visits when he was sick._

_Sasuke had no one instead. He should have taken him out to eat, he should have taken care of him while he was sick, instead of teaching him a jutsu and scold him when he used it out of anger._

"He wanted to become stronger. I should have kept him closer as my apprentice instead of keeping him at distance, letting him deal with his pain all alone."

"What happened when he left?"

Itachi inquires, only to add, in a lower tone:

"I promised him I wouldn't investigate the past."

_He doesn't want to break that promise. He doesn't want to make him suffer._

Kakashi nods, understanding.

"According to official records Sasuke left the village to join and old enemy of the village. He wanted to become stronger, and look for you."

_It was unexpectedly easy to come up with a less traumatic version of Itachi's past, one that didn't include the massacre of his clan, by his own hand, forced by Danzo._

_It's not hard to isolate Sasuke's movements either. The boy made it clear: as long as Itachi is not told about the massacre, his reputation doesn't matter._

"When you died Sasuke had a...breakdown. Out of desperation he decided to avenge you. He became reckless, aggressive, he attacked everyone who tried to stop him, including the Raikage, thus becoming an international criminal."

_Now Kakashi understood that Sasuke was desperate, not crazy like he used to think._

"But he saw the light in all that darkness. He helped the Alliance during the war. He returned."

_Sasuke saw the light. He saw you. You changed him. You brought him up into the light._

"Sasuke is unpredictable, especially when it's about you. When he saw what he assumed to be your family I thought he would have dragged you back. On the contrary, despite the joy of seeing his beloved brother alive, he only considered your happiness and decided to avoid interfering in your new life."

_He didn't want you to come here and be examined and controlled like an object._

_He didn't want you to be used again like a tool._

_He didn't want you to threatened by both enemies and unwanted memories._

"I know it's not enough...but since Sasuke is back I gave my best to be there for him, not just to make up for the past but because he is dear to me. He is one of my precious students, the only one I taught my technique. And," he adds, "he is my comrade's little brother. I hope you'll forgive me, Itachi."

Despite the mask Itachi can see that Kakashi is cracking an apologetic smile.

"I can't blame one person for the flaws of a whole system."

_I can't blame you more than I blame myself._

"Everyone is shaped by their environment. A society that is frequently at war values self-preservation through individual strength over cooperation, the latter needed only as a mean to fight. Children are the first victims of this dominant mentality: their personality isn't definite yet, it will build itself around those principles, hiding what is considered weakness, being discouraged from offering help and even more from asking for it."

Itachi explains, staring into space, into a past he can't remember but he knows well, somehow.

_I must have been the same, he thinks._

_Kakashi made mistakes with my precious brother but so did I, abandoning him for a lifelong mission._

"The pain of losing a loved one is unbearable. The way people deal with it is subjective, but whether they wallow in it or try to bury it, it doesn't leave. It attaches itself to the soul. It changes it, sometimes. My brother's desperation made him violent and destructive. Your desperation made you blind and deaf to Sasuke's needs."

His stare descends to the ground, then to the shop, then it refocuses on the silver haired man.

"Ever since I came back I saw your dedication towards my brother. Your discreet support, your silent understanding, your indirect way of pushing him. I thought you were the best teacher and leader he could have, before I knew all this. Nevertheless, I still trust my former Anbu leader, and my current team leader. Everyone needs a second chance and you are honouring yours. I forgive you."

Kakashi exhales as if a heavy load was removed from his chest.

"I won't make the same mistake again. I won't betray your brother and the trust you put in me."

He replies, determined.

"I know you will. I have been given a second chance too. A new life that I've devoted to him."

As if the first one wasn't devoted to him, Kakashi thinks, before a shiver runs down his spine.

"What I said before...I meant it. I won't let anyone hurt my brother. Be it an enemy or a Kage."

Itachi's black eyes show no sign of sharingan but their piercing intensity is the same as the time he came back to Konoha, after Hiruzen's death.

"Or you."

* * *

Even though Karin doesn't sense the Lightning shinobi's chakra anymore, Team Taka doesn't leave.

They all know when Sasuke is troubled. They spent so much time with him, silently supporting as he suffered, as he let out his rage, as he fought, to not notice.

Itachi is late: their former leader is worried because his mission took him too close to the Raikage who hates them all.

_By now what happened between them is no longer a cause of distress and frustration and everything Sasuke can think about is Itachi's safety._

_As the hours passed, Itachi's rejection, his refusal to kiss him again, his silence, matter less and less, and he scolds himself for having wanted more, for having become selfish and greedy now that his brother returned._

When the Uzumaki girl senses him the sky is still dark, even though it's almost dawn. Only then the noisy group is relieved enough to storm back to their apartment, next to Naruto's.

* * *

Itachi doesn't announce his arrival like he usually does. It's late and his body feels tired, but at the same time his mind can't rest.

Sasuke rushes in the entryway as soon as the door opens.

Even though he spent the last day thinking about his brother and his mission, seeing him wearing the Anbu gears hits him in a way he didn't expect.

It doesn't matter if he is carrying a small bag, not a sword stained with the blood of their parents.

It doesn't matter if his expression is caring and his smile warm, nothing like the apathetic look and sadistic smirk he wore that night.

It doesn't matter if he's taller and like all adult Anbu his broad shoulders are not covered by sleeves, it doesn't matter that Sasuke is taller and older as well: the action of running to open the door, the sight of Itachi in Anbu uniform is so overwhelming that it takes over his mind, screaming that it's just like that night, that it is that night.

It's like a nightmare where a part of the mind knows it's not real, yet the sensory impression and the feelings are so strong and horrifying that it doesn't matter.

_It's like everything that happened after the massacre disappeared, and all he can see is that scene, all he can feel is the fear and confusion and sadness, all he can be is his weak ignorant child self._

As his brother takes a few steps to take off his shoes he recoils, his back hitting the door, his eyes wide open, his mouth half open but no words coming out.

_Itachi ignores the reason why Sasuke is in shock but it's clear that it has to do with him: his beautiful dark eyes, so similar yet so different from his own, are fixed on him but they don't see him, or maybe they see beyond him._

Itachi puts the bag down. Despite the instinctive drive to rush towards his little brother, hug him and reassure him that everything is fine, he chooses a different approach, for the boy reminds him of a wild animal, injured and frightened.

"Sasuke, it's me. Just me. Your brother."

_The one who slaughtered their family. The one who left him alone._

_The one who just said he'd protect him against everything and everyone._

_The one who wonders if it's him the one his brother must be protected from._

"The mission was longer than expected so I stopped to buy something to eat. I figured that we would run out of groceries after the party, even more so after your guests stayed here. Karin isn't a bad cook, despite you and Suigetsu's critical comments. I'm sure she managed to make all of you a good meal despite there wasn't much."

Itachi's tone is calm, his words seem casual, their purpose is not to force a reply out of the boy, but to let him get used to his voice and his gestures.

"Something told me you didn't eat much today, so you should be hungry by now. Or maybe not, but you should eat something anyway. I brought your favourite onigiri, with umeboshi. You don't like sweets, I know, but I also brought dango..."

Sasuke's eyes frantically wonder between Itachi and the door, Itachi and the stair separating them, Itachi and everything else, as if he were looking for an escape route, as if his brother was about to throw a kunai at him, and do much worse if he dared come closer.

"Anyway if you really aren't hungry it doesn't matter. I won't force you to eat. I won't force you to do or say anything, Sasuke."

_I won't force you to tell me why you are scared by the very person you love._

"Now I'll remove my arm and shin guards and I'll put the mask away too," he describes his actions one by one, letting the objects fall on the pavement, "then I'll remove my shoes and come in...if you want, that is."

He stops talking to observe his brother whose eyes are still seeing beyond him, although they don't look as frantic as before.

"It's alright if you don't want me to come in. You remember everything while I forgot."

Slowly, he climbs the small step and comes towards Sasuke. He is holding his breath.

Itachi's hand tentatively reaches out to him. It's a light touch but Sasuke flinches, enough for the elder to blame his present eagerness and the past that he, only, has forgotten.

_Just like in a nightmare Sasuke sees the Itachi who brought onigiri and dango, who once promised that he'll never leave him, but he also sees the Itachi who cursed him to live an unsightly life of hate and misery, turning his back on him and leaving him all alone, when all he wanted was to follow him forever, no matter where he'd go._

_Just like in a nightmare Sasuke would like to move but his body is paralyzed, he would like to say something but he has no voice._

Noticing that as soon as he removes his hand the boy breathes again, Itachi turns his back on him, to reach the door. He'll be better without him, at least for now.

Even though he's tired, he will stay outside the house and keep watch, in case his brother needs him.

_His brother touches him and his child self is scared that he'll kill him, his adult self is scared that he'll reject him. Both are scared that he'll leave._

"Niisan no…"

Sasuke whispers as the elder is about to go.

"Don't leave..."

"Don't leave me…" he repeats.

His voice is broken, his eyes less scared, almost awake when Itachi's smile illuminates the room _-and his heart-_ and tries to touch him again, lightly brushing his waist then lingering he shows no signs of discomfort.

"I won't."

_He's back._

_They both are._

* * *

Sasuke's back leaning on the door, he tugs at Itachi's tight top. The older Uchiha understands that he can finally hug him, encircling his waist with one arm, caressing the back of his neck and his unruly hair.

"Don't leave me..."

_He's not a child anymore and this is not the compound anymore; he's in his new house, his safe house, there are no dead bodies around, it's only him and his brother who's back from a mission with a bag of food, because he didn't forget about him._

_Nevertheless his heart is still tightly gripped by fear. Itachi could leave anyway, because of what he selfishly did and demanded him to do._

"What I did...what I said...I'm sorry. Forget about it all. I'll respect _that border_. Just. Stay..Please."

Itachi lifts Sasuke's chin.

The elder's doubts are dispelled by Sasuke's desperate, selfless plea.

_Wouldn't it be hypocritical to preserve his purity but hurt him in the process?_

_Wouldn't it be cowardly to keep himself free from judgment, instead of facing his feelings like his brave brother did?_

_Wouldn't be selfish to stay by his side, putting boundaries between them, instead of giving all of himself to heal the one he scarred in a past he conveniently can't remember?_

"I won't ever leave you, Sasuke."

He strokes the boy's jaw and cheek with his thumb.

"And I don't want to forget."

_I forgot too much already._

"You opened your heart for me but I didn't. May I do it now?"

He asks, his other hand brushing all the way from Sasuke's nape to his face.

In a lower tone, almost a whisper, he adds: "It's alright if you don't want to, Sasuke. It's alright if you want me to forget about it," but the boy wants him to go on, he can read it in his eyes, red and swollen, as if he rubbed them too much, trying to get some sleep or trying to stay awake. His cheeks are hollow and he looks so tired, his shoulders are drooping and his back is leaning against the door. He could fall on his knees if he moved, the shock taking its toll on his body.

"What you told me this morning...I feel the same way. And it scares me."

_Somehow Sasuke can't picture his perfect older brother scared._

"I love you, Sasuke."

Sasuke never saw such an emotional, even desperate look on Itachi's face.

He can tell how tired he is too, his tear troughs looking deeper in the faint light.

"I love you more than words can express. I love you in a way that has no limit and no boundaries. I love you in a way that scares me because I feel that I wouldn't be able to restrain myself once unleashed..."

Sasuke's hands crawl over the elder's waist and settle on his back.

"It scares me because this love I feel is so strong and overwhelming that it might suffocate you."

A slight pressure from Sasuke's fingers urge him to come closer.

_As starved of his love as he is, Sasuke is not afraid of to be suffocated by it._

"It scares me because I don't want to repeat past mistakes. I don't want to return to be the person I was, someone who made you suffer so much that you still bear the scars."

"You were a hero," Sasuke interrupts him, his voice strained, "You were the best shinobi. You protected the village and you protected me."

_We are shinobi, we all did things, Kakashi once told him. Itachi knew well that those "things" were part of their job and their lives, yet it's hard to justify his actions, no matter how noble their purpose, when they hurt his brother so much._

"I don't want to cause you pain, Sasuke. I don't want to scare you again."

Sasuke pulls Itachi towards him ever so lightly, in a completely different manner compared to the ardent hungry gesture he did that very morning.

_So much time seems to have passed since then. So much life. After hearing the Raikage's slander and Kakashi's explanation, in Itachi's soul a stronger resolve is born, an even stronger need to protect and cherish the most important person of his life, the one who made him feel human, the one whose voice was in his head since he came back to a new life._

"It scares me because I'm your older brother. I am supposed to protect you. I am supposed to let you go. I am not supposed to claim you for myself. I am not supposed to want you. I am not supposed to want to...make you mine."

Sasuke nudges Itachi's chin with his nose. The elder cups his brother's pale face with both hands.

"I feel that I could do anything for you..."

_Anything for him. Even obey to the worst order and sacrifice his clan so that his brother would live._

Sasuke parts his lips. No words or movements follow, a silent invitation for his brother to _act_.

His eyes, still bearing a trace of the previous haze, are fixed on the elder's.

Only for a moment, hiding behind the curtain of long dark lashes, they wonder to his lips.

Itachi is in a different sort of haze: he just confessed his love and his fear to his beloved who accepted them, he could go ahead and take what his brother is offering him, he could taste those lips again but he waits.

They stare at each other for a long time -or a short one, they can't tell the passing of time, as the world stopped around them the moment their eyes met- until the force that reunited them gets stronger and resisting becomes impossible.

_Just like Sasuke can't shut the fear to lose him, Itachi can't shut the guilt for tainting him, but his need for the boy -his need to love the boy. His need to make the boy feel loved- is stronger._

_In his past life they lost each other. He left Sasuke alone for years then died on a mission._

_In his present, miraculously bestowed life, they were lost and yet they found each other._

_Love, the one thing that transcends time and space, life and death, like gravity pulled his brother towards him when he had no memory._

_Love, like gravity, pulled his brother closer to him, so close that Itachi can feel Sasuke's hitched breath on his skin, so close that he can hear his heartbeat._

_Maybe his past self was strong enough to resist, but he is no longer that person._

Itachi bends forward, as Sasuke is slouched against the door. His head tilted, he brushes the boy's lips while his hands don't let go of his face. He kisses Sasuke's upper lip, then the lower one, then he stops for a moment -to make sure Sasuke wants it, to make sure he memorizes every detail- before claiming the boy's mouth in a long, intense, burning kiss that only ends when the elder withdraws to let the younger breathe.

Itachi leans his elbows against the door, not wanting to put weight on Sasuke, but the younger locks his arms around his back and pulls him closer, until their chests are touching, and the elder's thigh rests between his legs.

_Sasuke wants him closer. He wants him to get closer, the Itachi who won't leave him, the Itachi who loves him, the Itachi who initiated the kiss because he wants him as much as he does._

Itachi nibbles and gently sucks Sasuke's lips, while his fingers entwine his brother's, holding his hands up above his head.

"I could do anything for you…"

He whispers in the boy's mouth, drinking the other's breath.

"And I could do anything to you..."

He whispers again, in a lower, huskier tone, in the boy's ear, eliciting a moan.

"But...not tonight…"

_They have all the time in the world._

Sasuke doesn't protest when Itachi hoists him up and takes him to his room, insisting that he has a good sleep. He can tell that the elder is visibly tired too.

When he asks his brother to sleep there with him -an innocent request from a pure soul- Itachi accepts.

_It happened before, although not in a bed, and not by choice: the first nights he was back they used to fall asleep on the couch after hours of endless conversation, where Itachi asked Sasuke about everything and the boy was happy to satisfy his curiosity._

_The elder used to cover his brother with a blanket and put him in the most comfortable position, not at all bothered by how uncomfortable he would be, caught between Sasuke and Shiro, curled up beside his lap._

As he cradles Sasuke in his arms, Itachi stares outside, at the ever changing colours of the sky at dawn. Orange and pink hues tint everything with their dreamy warmth.

Even the morning star, that he stared at so many times as he roamed around the earth without a name or a past.

Towards it, his lips voice a silent prayer, expressing gratitude for the second chance he has been given.

Towards it, his heart takes a silent oath. No matter what happens he will protect Sasuke from anything and anyone.

No matter what happens he will listen to the command he heard within his soul the day his brother found him.

The boy must not suffer.

****

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About this chapter: finally it happened. The kisses they exchanged before were amazing but different. Now Itachi has a different awareness of himself and the world around him, and this gave him a different resolve.  
> Needless to repeat it, he doesn't remember his past. He knows he did something bad but he assumes it's a result of infiltrating a terrorist organization, committing crimes with it, and leaving Sasuke alone.  
> He is loyal to Konoha but not as a concept, as he used to be. He is loyal to the people who welcomed him as he returned, and to the village that kept Sasuke safe where he wasn't there.  
> He takes responsibility for these actions, but he is much more critical towards Konoha now. And he's smart, so he points out the flaws in the system, after admitting his own mistakes.  
> And once he sees the extent of the damage he inflicted on Sasuke, both by doing this horrible something he has no memory of, and putting distance between them again, the love he feels for Sasuke, that he kept restrained in order to protect him, is no longer restrained. He wants to protect Sasuke, and to love him fully.
> 
> Sasuke is not the forceful one that is a too common trope now. He actually isn't forceful with Itachi in canon: before Edo Tensei Itachi left, he tried to tell him that he was his responsibility, that he would destroy Konoha anyway...as if he would stay and fix him. It was not forceful though. Most of it all it last a short moment, and he soon accepted Itachi's decision, even though it broke his heart. during the fight against Kabuto Sasuke's behaviour towards Itachi expressed admiration, love, reverence for his older, perfect brother who led the fight so well.  
> Even moreso in this story, where Sasuke has Itachi back, no matter how much he would want their relationship to not be just brotherly, he loves Itachi, so much that he doesn't want to lose him, so much that he would accept to not cross the brotherly border if it meant that Itachi would stay by his side, although I'm pretty sure he'd try something at times...but keep in mind that the way I see and portray Sasuke is someone who loves Itachi so deeply, so strongly, that he doesn't really separate one thing from another, one expression of love from another. He is pure, so his actions would not be lewd, but acts of love, and he would never force himself too much anyway.  
> In case anyone recognized it, I quoted the movie Interstellar when I wrote that love is the one thing that transcends time and space.  
> On a lighter note, I headcanon Sasuke as a vegetarian, because he loves animals and he saw too many dead bodies during the massacre, to eat meat as he grows up, so his favourite onigiri flavor is umeboshi. I also headcanon Itachi as a vegan, refraining from dairy products and eggs. He was the one who butchered those bodies, so in him I see that same disgust.  
> Writing this fic is something I love (Itachi defending Sasuke against the system is something every fan would want I guess), but at the same it tires me because every time I start writing a scene with even minor characters, they come to life so vividly, with glimpses of scenes and dialogues, that I can't stop giving them space and trying to give them justice with the best portrayal, highlighting their best characteristics that they used to have, and that were forgotten along the way. Because naruto used to be a beautiful manga, deeper than most shounen. Kakashi was an extremely interesting character, a troubled soul who cared about pupils in his own way. Naruto was self centered but not selfish or insensitive. Taka wasn't just comic relief, they were deeply hurt people who sincerely and deeply bonded with each other.  
> Kakashi was terrible in the ending, even worse than Naruto. I never considered his pre-shippuuden relationship with Sasuke perfect (as a Kakasasu shipper it's part of the charm...) but sure the ending and the horrible way he treated Sasuke made everything worse, so writing the best parts of Kakashi's personality is something I care about a lot. His clever way of pushing the characters, his discreet way of showing affection. His mistakes were caused by his own suffering and trauma so he is a victim of the system as well. It doesn't justify what he did in canon, but it does in a scenario where he realizes his mistakes and changes.  
> It's a waste of potential that Itachi and Kakashi were in the same Anbu team but Kakashi never brougth that up, not even in his head, when dealing with Sasuke. So I'm fixing it, with an Itachi that is finally involved in the lives of the two Uchiha brothers.  
> Speaking of change, in this AU Konoha does take change seriously. Other countries in the Shinobi Alliance don't see things in their same way.  
> Thanks to everyone for reading, and I hope you'll also read part 2.


End file.
